Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: There seems to be an etiquette ritual of politely protesting when someone offers to do something nice for you. For example:

Person 1: Lunch today is my treat.

Person 2: Oh, that's not necessary. You don't need to do that.

Person 1: But I insist.

Is this necessary? Or is it proper to just graciously accept and thank the other person without the ritual protesting?

I ask because someone recently offered to buy my lunch, then accused me of "giving up too quickly" when my response was "Thank you, that's very nice of you."

GENTLE READER: If it was not a genuine offer, it should not have been issued. Adding "I insist" could help deflect the charade.

But regardless, you have Miss Manners' permission to accept the first time. With the caveat that next time, you will reciprocate the gesture.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Four years ago, I lost 70 pounds. Even though I am still considered overweight, I have maintained my weight loss and healthy lifestyle through diet and exercise.

Despite this, every time the new year comes around, it never fails that some stranger at the gym will say, "Working on a New Year's resolution?" or "Trying to get back in shape?" or "Committing to a healthier lifestyle?"

I find this really offensive, as it implies that I've just started going to the gym, when the reality is that I work out and diet right up until Christmas Eve and start up again a couple of days later.

It also bothers me because no one ever talks to me at the gym except on these occasions. I'm at a point in my life where I'm tired of smiling politely to put a complete stranger at ease, yet I don't want to compromise my integrity by being rude. What sort of response is appropriate?

GENTLE READER: "Aren't we all here to get healthier?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My spouse and I received a wedding invitation. We do not know the couple, but the groom is the son of a formerly close friend we seldom see. They have planned an expensive wedding followed by a very expensive honeymoon.

Usually we use a wedding registry as indicative of a couple's taste and try to select something they will enjoy, though not necessarily from their registry. In this case, they have registered only for money for their honeymoon and future lives.

Would we be inappropriate if we declined the wedding invitation, thus saving them the cost of two guests, and sent a donation to a charity in honor of their wedding?

GENTLE READER: Everyone except Miss Manners seems to think that giving to charity is so noble that it should substitute for giving presents, and also that it can be mandated by people who expect presents. Philanthropy is a wonderful thing, but it does not cancel social conventions.

The good news for you is that you have no obligation to attend this wedding, or to put money into it. As you express no interest in the couple, that seems the sensible solution.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My loving daughter and her husband have been having dinner every night with us since my wife and I have both been too ill to cook. They bring their meal to our house and share with us. They have been extremely generous and helpful during our recovery time.

My son-in-law has started an irritating habit of holding up fingers as I am talking, supposedly indicating the number of times he has heard the story I am telling. This was somewhat amusing the first time or two, but has gotten to the point where I don't want to say much of anything at the table.

How should this be handled? We love them both dearly and need and appreciate their help very much.

GENTLE READER: Appeal to your daughter: "I am afraid that I bore Rupert with my stories. Perhaps if you have heard them before, you can just gently remind me and I will start another subject."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I bring a dish to a gathering, is it proper for another guest to add seasonings to it to suit their taste? I believe it's only right to season the food you've taken, not the entire dish. Two family members are always trying to adjust the food for everyone to their specific tastes.

GENTLE READER: It is both rude and presumptuous. As the cook, you certainly seasoned your food with general tastes in mind. Miss Manners therefore advises you to keep the lid on until eating time -- or put a platter directly on the table, where people can take portions and over-salt it themselves.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it bad manners for the host of a shower to play the games and win the prizes?

I co-hosted a baby shower at work with two of my co-workers. We played several games with small prizes. We also had a diaper raffle, and the prize was much larger -- worth more than $50. The raffle continued after the shower through the end of the day.

I was horrified and embarrassed to learn that the winner of the diaper raffle was one of my co-hosts. It never occurred to me to say the hosts should not play the games or win the prizes. I just assumed that went without saying. I feel it was very rude of her to claim her winnings and collect her prize when we were the ones who paid for it. Am I wrong in thinking this way?

GENTLE READER: Who thought that giving away money for a non-work-related event -- at work, no less -- was a good idea? Before we cast aspersions on recouping losses, Miss Manners would like to start there.

This whole event seems misguided, start to finish. If you are going to play silly games and celebrate a co-worker, fine, but please leave cash prizes out of it, especially in the workplace. Even if that was the only incentive for anyone to attend. Or, it seems, to host.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: During the pandemic, with restaurants limiting the number of patrons at one table, my friend would often send dinner invites to eight friends, stating that only six could be seated, so the first five people to answer "yes" could go.

I always declined, as my going would have left someone else out. Is it acceptable behavior to have this lottery system for dinner?

GENTLE READER: No, not for a dinner gathering. But it might be overlooked in the case of the most casual get-togethers among intimates -- a classification that includes, "Who wants to go out for ice cream?" and "This day is never going to end. Time for a coffee?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My longtime friend, Annie, has invited me to lunch with herself and her other longtime friend, Jenny. We've gone out three times now. At each of these three meals, Annie and Jenny ordered food together, which they shared and excluded me from.

It's uncomfortable for me, but I'd like to keep seeing them. What should I do or say?

GENTLE READER: Nothing. Miss Manners grants that their behavior is odd, and even inconsiderate, but not asking you to commingle food is a better problem to have than commingling food without asking.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son has been married to a woman for almost seven years, and together they have three daughters. For the first two years, during the holidays, I sent my daughter-in-law's parents a small but nice gift basket, along with a warm note wishing them a wonderful holiday and thanking them for "co-grandparenting our granddaughters." I never received a "thank you" or any sort of acknowledgment from them.

Two years after my son and his wife married, her father passed away. Four months later, her mother remarried. This caused a lot of tension within the family, and my daughter-in-law and her siblings have had a very hard time accepting this new marriage.

I still continue to send a small token gift, and still have not received an acknowledgment. I have extended holiday dinner invitations to my daughter-in-law's mother and her husband (with my DIL's permission) because I think we should all just get along, and I would like my grandchildren to see both sets of grandparents. The invitations are accepted but then declined, usually on the day of the event.

My husband tells me to stop the gift baskets and the invitations. I know that I can't fix this mess between them, but I do not want there to be any regrets in the future. Should I stop, as my husband requested me to do?

GENTLE READER: You can have no reason for future regrets, which suggests that the remorse you wish to prevent is that of your daughter-in-law's mother.

Based on her behavior to date, there is little reason to worry about this. And as someone who is used to interacting with people who would have been happier had they heeded her advice, Miss Manners agrees with your husband that it is past time to stop holding out the olive branch.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)