Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Can you tell me what "cocktail attire" means? Can you wear a fancy pantsuit? Can a man wear a sport jacket and slacks?

GENTLE READER: Nobody can tell you what "cocktail attire" means. Miss Manners would be surprised if you could even find anybody who had ever attended the sort of event for which this was named.

The two-hour, stand-up drinking party of the past was dressy -- as dressy as one can get without violating the rule against wearing long dresses and dinner jackets, because those are evening clothes and these parties began in the late afternoon. Ladies wore their fanciest short dresses, sometimes with tiny, frivolous hats. Gentlemen wore dark suits and, of course, ties.

But Miss Manners doubts that this is what is meant in any invitations you may receive now. Rather, she supposes that the hosts are pleading for some small effort on the part of their guests.

Whether your specific suggestions qualify, she cannot say; standards vary in different locations and social circles, and you can always ask your hosts. But it is safe to say that your attire should be as far as your closet will take you from the pandemic uniform of sweatpants, elastic waistbands and those raggedy bunny slippers.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter was supposed to get married in November of 2020, and had sent out "save the date" cards in advance. When it became apparent because of the pandemic that she wouldn't be getting married then, she sent cards asking people to save Aug. 15, 2021. But when April rolled around, she decided that the health situation was still too uncertain to get married in August, so she sent "wedding postponed" cards without any specific date.

At this point, she is planning on getting married in August of 2022.

Over this period, my daughter lost touch with a few of the friends to whom she had sent the initial "save the date" cards. They were friends from a job she left over three years ago. Can we not send invitations to those people with whom she has lost touch? Since they have not been in contact since before the pandemic, she no longer feels they are friends worthy of attending her wedding.

GENTLE READER: Worthy? Oh, please.

The rule is that anyone who has received a request to save a certain date must be invited to the wedding. But Miss Manners is wondering if there ought not be a statute of limitations. People who have received three directives over the course of two years are probably not on edge waiting for another.

Still, there is no such statute as yet, so invite them. Chances are they are no longer interested -- perhaps on the reciprocal grounds that your daughter is not worthy.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Do you prefer "gift" or "present" when referring to those items exchanged between friends or family at Christmas?

GENTLE READER: "Present." Blame Nancy Mitford.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are in our mid-30s. My husband has a twin sister who is married with two children. We haven't seen them in some time due to the pandemic, but they called and asked us to come help them redo their bathroom this weekend. They said they were no longer worried about the pandemic, as we live in a very remote area and all self-quarantine.

They then gave us a list of gifts that their children would like for Christmas. When we asked about their plans for Christmas, and offered to either host or go to them, they said that they probably would not feel comfortable getting together due to the pandemic. They said we could drop off the gifts Christmas morning and wave.

Now we are feeling a bit used, as we are going to spend 8+ hours doing their bathroom in close contact. I want to keep the gifts here until they actually want to see us, but my husband thinks we should just send the gifts and get it over with. What are your thoughts?

GENTLE READER: That you and your husband should not feel comfortable renovating his sister's bathroom because of the pandemic. Or, for that matter, doing the shopping for people who do not care to see you socially.

No, wait. This is your husband's twin, and it's the Christmas season. Miss Manners should be a bit more charitable.

She suggests you wish them a merry Christmas and say you will postpone the present exchanges until they feel safe. Whether you will feel bound to use the gift list -- or fix the bathroom -- depends on just how charitable you can manage to feel.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have some former neighbors we became friends with before we both moved away. In the past, it was always nice catching up with them through their annual Christmas letter: hearing about their travels and finding out how their children were doing as adults.

A few years ago, they started putting in a paragraph about politics, which I find inappropriate. I'm sure it doesn't help that their political views are polar opposites from ours, but it never seemed to affect our relationship as neighbors. I just don't think a Christmas newsletter is the place to push a political agenda.

It has gotten to the point where we stopped sending them a card at Christmas, but theirs keep coming anyway. We did enjoy keeping in touch in the past, so is there a polite way to address the issue? Or is not sending them a card the best way?

GENTLE READER: What is the issue you want to address? That you find their Christmas letter offensive?

You don't have to read it, and sooner or later they will stop. Christmas letter-senders always keep a double checklist, and two or three unresponsive years should do it.

But perhaps you would like to keep the tie. In that case, Miss Manners suggests waiting a while and writing them a letter or an email that is not associated with a holiday, but simply provides your family's news and asks for an update on theirs.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: There seems to be an etiquette ritual of politely protesting when someone offers to do something nice for you. For example:

Person 1: Lunch today is my treat.

Person 2: Oh, that's not necessary. You don't need to do that.

Person 1: But I insist.

Is this necessary? Or is it proper to just graciously accept and thank the other person without the ritual protesting?

I ask because someone recently offered to buy my lunch, then accused me of "giving up too quickly" when my response was "Thank you, that's very nice of you."

GENTLE READER: If it was not a genuine offer, it should not have been issued. Adding "I insist" could help deflect the charade.

But regardless, you have Miss Manners' permission to accept the first time. With the caveat that next time, you will reciprocate the gesture.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Four years ago, I lost 70 pounds. Even though I am still considered overweight, I have maintained my weight loss and healthy lifestyle through diet and exercise.

Despite this, every time the new year comes around, it never fails that some stranger at the gym will say, "Working on a New Year's resolution?" or "Trying to get back in shape?" or "Committing to a healthier lifestyle?"

I find this really offensive, as it implies that I've just started going to the gym, when the reality is that I work out and diet right up until Christmas Eve and start up again a couple of days later.

It also bothers me because no one ever talks to me at the gym except on these occasions. I'm at a point in my life where I'm tired of smiling politely to put a complete stranger at ease, yet I don't want to compromise my integrity by being rude. What sort of response is appropriate?

GENTLE READER: "Aren't we all here to get healthier?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My spouse and I received a wedding invitation. We do not know the couple, but the groom is the son of a formerly close friend we seldom see. They have planned an expensive wedding followed by a very expensive honeymoon.

Usually we use a wedding registry as indicative of a couple's taste and try to select something they will enjoy, though not necessarily from their registry. In this case, they have registered only for money for their honeymoon and future lives.

Would we be inappropriate if we declined the wedding invitation, thus saving them the cost of two guests, and sent a donation to a charity in honor of their wedding?

GENTLE READER: Everyone except Miss Manners seems to think that giving to charity is so noble that it should substitute for giving presents, and also that it can be mandated by people who expect presents. Philanthropy is a wonderful thing, but it does not cancel social conventions.

The good news for you is that you have no obligation to attend this wedding, or to put money into it. As you express no interest in the couple, that seems the sensible solution.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)