Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: This weekend I went to do my usual grocery shopping. As I entered the store, the customer in front of me stopped and, due to this being a small store, there was no maneuvering around him and his cart.

He just stood there for a minute as a line of people and carts built up behind him. Eventually he noticed and moved to the side, saying, "Excuse me." I gave him a nod and moved past him.

He yelled "EXCUSE ME!" at my retreating back -- twice. I just continued walking, without responding. I can only think that for him, my nod was not enough and he wanted some version of "It's OK" from me.

Well, it wasn't OK, and I don't feel that I should have given him the impression that being so inconsiderate is an acceptable thing to do going forward. Am I in the wrong here?

GENTLE READER: There seem to be a lot of altercations in grocery stores these days. Several have come Miss Manners' way. Can't you people just scoop up your nibbles without squabbling?

Yes, she understands that you did not cause the problem. But you now regret that you didn't prolong it. Why? Surely a moment of absent-mindedness can be excused. You could have explained, as to a child, "Yes, I excused you."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Several years ago, when I knew I would not be able to be with my family for the holidays, I decided to make donations in their names to what I believed were worthwhile charities that I happened to support. I sent them each a card, noting my gift and briefly explaining the mission of the given charity.

Much to my surprise, my family later told me that they were surprised and upset by my actions. My parents demanded that their names not be included on the charity's mailing list. My sister made it clear that she only wanted me to donate to charities that she personally supported.

Honestly, I could not (and still cannot) see the difference between my making a donation in their names to my charities versus my donating to theirs. The way I see it, the organizations I gave to are dedicated to the same ideals that I am; since my family supports me, one would think that, in theory, they would not be offended by my gesture.

Clearly, though, I was wrong. What would you advise in this situation: Should I only give to charities that my family has preapproved? I almost feel as if that defeats the purpose of giving in the first place.

GENTLE READER: You have already defeated the purpose of giving presents, which is to please the recipients. Yet Miss Manners gathers that your pride in the virtue of giving to charity has prevented you from understanding why.

You gave to charities you support, so presumably you would have made these donations anyway. In what way does that connect with other members of the family, who have their own favorite charities?

Presents are a symbolic way of showing that one has noticed other people's preferences. You have ignored theirs.

Never mind that it deprives them of the tax deduction and puts their names on a solicitation list. Unless your family has agreed to substitute charity for giving presents, you are claiming double credit for a single action.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I made the mistake, during COVID, of buying and renovating a home in the town where my parents and sister live. It's right next to the town where I grew up -- which I hated. However, there are some wonderful people in this "next-door" town, where my parents have lived for 25 years.

While the sale of my former house covered most of the renovation expenses, my dad generously paid for the rest, saying that it was part of my inheritance in advance. But I am miserable here in this beautiful house because I feel I have nothing in common, politically or lifestyle-wise, with the people who live here. Many of the residents are my parents' age or older.

The house itself is on a highway, so the traffic is loud, and it's also famously haunted, which I didn't realize when I bought it. There are noises all night, and I can't sleep.

I've tried to make friends here and reconnect with relatives and people I knew during childhood, and although there have been some great moments, there have also been some shockingly rude and downright frightening ones.

For instance, one night I went out with my parents' friends' daughter, and she arranged for her boyfriend to meet us there. Two hours into the evening, they asked me to sleep with them. When I said no, she refused to talk to me as if I was the offensive party!

I have tried to reconnect with several other people, only to be met with terrorist propaganda. In short, I am in rural hell -- single and surrounded by conspiracy theorists.

How do I tell my parents and my sister, who were so excited to have me here, that this is breaking my heart and I want my old life back? And how do I pay my father back?

GENTLE READER: Blame it on the ghosts. If the house is a terror to live in (in many ways, it seems), your conspiracy-loving friends will no doubt understand your desire to move.

That your fear must take you miles outside the town and back into the city will, Miss Manners suggests you emphasize, confirm just how deep this conspiracy runs. Paying your father back, on the other hand, will be dependent on how fast the current house sells. Which may well also be up to the ghosts.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My delightful co-worker has a baffling habit of saying "Huh?" just a moment after I start speaking. I note that she mostly says "Huh?" during my introductory remarks -- "In case you didn't notice ..." or "For whatever it's worth ..." or some such -- which people commonly murmur or rush through.

I feel goofy repeating the intro, but moving along to my point seems as though I ignored her. What is the most polite, respectful response to a quick "Huh?"

GENTLE READER: "Oh, sorry, I hadn't come to my point yet. Can you not hear me? I'll try to talk louder." Miss Manners suggests that you repeat as necessary until your co-worker's eardrums are successfully retrained.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How, if at all, does one acknowledge or comment on the gender change of a friend's child?

We have known these friends since their children were small, and one child has recently changed their gender identity. Next time we see the parents (who do not live nearby, but we see them periodically), how do we address it, if at all?

It seems odd to say nothing, as it is a major life change, but I'm not sure what would be appropriate.

GENTLE READER: There is really no need to draw attention to it other than to make sure you have learned the correct name and pronouns from the parents in advance.

Miss Manners suggests that you take your cue from the child, but not pointing out the obvious may well be a welcome respite from the undoubted barrage of constant questions and observations -- both the rude and the benevolent kinds.

As an aside and in case you were wondering, you may also freely refer to shared memories and past events -- as long as you are careful not to say, "Of course, that was back when you were Rupert, not Rue."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We live in one of the more locked-down areas of the country, and my son, who just turned 10, has been pretty isolated since the pandemic began. He didn't have much of a filter before, but his responses to situations have grown incredibly rude. If he doesn't like something, it's "Ewwwww, so gross!" Or "This is horrible!" And the most despised response: "This sucks!!"

Please help! Are there books or classes you can think of that we could use to "reset"? As a family, we are pretty conscious of manners -- napkins in laps at dinner, "please" and "thank you" always, etc.

When we are out in public, he is usually polite. But this terror at home has me worried that such behaviors will spill over to the public realm if we don't correct it now.

GENTLE READER: There is such a thing as "at home" manners. It is confined, however, to picking up the chicken leg at the family dinner table instead of cutting it, and ... actually, Miss Manners thinks that might be it.

You have reaped the unpleasant repercussions of differentiating between private and public manners. And while occasional bad behavior in a 10-year-old cannot, perhaps, be entirely avoided, this is a chance to teach him that no one likes to be at the receiving end of rudeness. Not even parents.

Miss Manners suggests that much of this education lies not with books and classes, but with said parents -- who now have the unenviable task of distinguishing between "being honest" and hurting people's feelings. Developing empathy and curbing our more basic human instincts in favor of getting along are necessary skills in any society. And as your son's is still largely confined to the immediate family, he will no doubt have a grateful -- and captive -- audience for his efforts. Take advantage of that.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)