Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A few months ago, I was contacted through social media by a person looking for information about my father. I inquired as to what their interest in him was, and was informed that they believed he was their father, as well.

They indicated that my father and their mother had dated when he was stationed near her, and that my father was aware of her being pregnant before he returned home.

I was certainly taken by surprise and, before going any further, requested that a DNA test be done to determine paternity. They have not done so, citing privacy concerns about submitting DNA. I am so upset -- with the ability to determine paternity with almost 100% certainty, no one should be making such assertions without being willing to verify the same.

I don't know how best to handle this situation. I have lost much sleep and suffered with incredible anxiety after this revelation.

My father and mother both passed away long ago, and there is no one left in his or my immediate family who can confirm that this is true. I don't feel I have any obligation to help without DNA, but I would like your thoughts on this matter.

GENTLE READER: If Miss Manners were to tell you that the DNA test is largely irrelevant, Gentle Readers would say she was being absurd.

But indeed, the DNA test is largely irrelevant to your real problem: the implied accusation against your father. To that, she notes that it was a long time ago, and you can treasure his memory even if he was not perfect.

While you have no obligation to help your potential half-sibling determine the truth, it would be a kindness to someone who is also struggling with a troubling gap in knowledge of the past.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At parties, it seems as if there are always people talking around the food tables, blocking others from partaking of the food and drinks.

How do you politely tell partygoers to get their food and step away from the table so others can enjoy the offerings? I also don't want to appear like a ravenous person who is just interested in eating.

GENTLE READER: As a fellow guest, you do not need to shoo others away from the table, you merely need to clear a path to your next item. This can be done with a simple "excuse me," which can be repeated as often as necessary.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am hosting my 50th high school reunion at my home. We are starting at 5 p.m., but I am unsure how to enforce the end time of 9 p.m., knowing the drinkers will try to overstay. How can I avoid this without any discomfort for my guests or myself?

GENTLE READER: Enlist the help of your high school intimates, who can be coached to make a noisy exit as the hour approaches: asking for coats, thanking you for a lovely party, remarking on the late hour and observing how quickly the time passed. Miss Manners recognizes this is not a foolproof method, and that you may have to clear the table and turn off the lights on those who cannot take a hint.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: On entering my son's house for my birthday celebration, one of his newly acquired stepdaughters said to me, "Oh, it's your birthday! When were you conceived?"

Holy cow! I have chalked up a lot of birthdays, but I've NEVER heard such a question asked of anyone. (She's the mother of a 1-year-old, so perhaps conception is still very much on her mind.) I was so dumbfounded that I stood there, mouth agape, and didn't answer. The mental image of my mother and father "conceiving" me was too much.

Then the sister of the questioner said, "Oh, I bet you were a Thanksgiving baby!"

What am I missing here? Is this a cultural thing? I know that I scolded several exchange students years ago when they asked me how much my new car cost. In this culture, I informed them, that's considered a rude question. They responded by saying, "Oh, in OUR culture, that's the first thing you ask."

GENTLE READER: Oh, dear. Miss Manners suggests that you consult a cultural anthropologist before you accept the cultural excuse for behavior that is considered rude where it is being done.

In this case, it is a rather lamely prurient interest in the circumstances that, shall we say, draw people together. Nine months after a blackout, for example, such people look to see whether there is an increase in the birth rate.

Anyway, the only possible answer would be, "I don't know; I wasn't paying attention at the time."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband grew up in an unhappy home, and came up with all kinds of strategies to stay out of trouble. Like, he has this odd way of answering a yes/no question with a word that could go either way. Plus, he can never be wrong.

Over the years, I've helped him overcome a lot of these things -- and God knows he's helped me be a better person, too. But he still refuses to answer if I call him from another room, thinking it's more expedient to leave his options open like he did with his family. Meanwhile, I have no idea if he's heard me, and I feel compelled to call him again. He gets annoyed, while I feel disrespected and devalued.

Is it too much to expect him to respond when I call him?

GENTLE READER: Not being a therapist, Miss Manners concerns herself more with how people treat one another than why. If there are no other problems, it seems to her that you could solve this one by walking into the room when you want his attention, and by following up your questions with, "Is that a yes or a no?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Having been blessed with 12 grandchildren and two great-grandchildren, I am no longer financially nor physically able to continue giving Christmas gifts to as many people as I would like.

Please help me convey the message that a Christmas greeting card is all I can do.

GENTLE READER: Write in those cards how much you love the recipients. That way, they will not be able to think that you have snubbed them.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: This weekend I went to do my usual grocery shopping. As I entered the store, the customer in front of me stopped and, due to this being a small store, there was no maneuvering around him and his cart.

He just stood there for a minute as a line of people and carts built up behind him. Eventually he noticed and moved to the side, saying, "Excuse me." I gave him a nod and moved past him.

He yelled "EXCUSE ME!" at my retreating back -- twice. I just continued walking, without responding. I can only think that for him, my nod was not enough and he wanted some version of "It's OK" from me.

Well, it wasn't OK, and I don't feel that I should have given him the impression that being so inconsiderate is an acceptable thing to do going forward. Am I in the wrong here?

GENTLE READER: There seem to be a lot of altercations in grocery stores these days. Several have come Miss Manners' way. Can't you people just scoop up your nibbles without squabbling?

Yes, she understands that you did not cause the problem. But you now regret that you didn't prolong it. Why? Surely a moment of absent-mindedness can be excused. You could have explained, as to a child, "Yes, I excused you."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Several years ago, when I knew I would not be able to be with my family for the holidays, I decided to make donations in their names to what I believed were worthwhile charities that I happened to support. I sent them each a card, noting my gift and briefly explaining the mission of the given charity.

Much to my surprise, my family later told me that they were surprised and upset by my actions. My parents demanded that their names not be included on the charity's mailing list. My sister made it clear that she only wanted me to donate to charities that she personally supported.

Honestly, I could not (and still cannot) see the difference between my making a donation in their names to my charities versus my donating to theirs. The way I see it, the organizations I gave to are dedicated to the same ideals that I am; since my family supports me, one would think that, in theory, they would not be offended by my gesture.

Clearly, though, I was wrong. What would you advise in this situation: Should I only give to charities that my family has preapproved? I almost feel as if that defeats the purpose of giving in the first place.

GENTLE READER: You have already defeated the purpose of giving presents, which is to please the recipients. Yet Miss Manners gathers that your pride in the virtue of giving to charity has prevented you from understanding why.

You gave to charities you support, so presumably you would have made these donations anyway. In what way does that connect with other members of the family, who have their own favorite charities?

Presents are a symbolic way of showing that one has noticed other people's preferences. You have ignored theirs.

Never mind that it deprives them of the tax deduction and puts their names on a solicitation list. Unless your family has agreed to substitute charity for giving presents, you are claiming double credit for a single action.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)