Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: An old and dear friend texted me an invitation to her daughter's birthday party a day after the "please RSVP by" date, with no explanation for the delay. Clearly we didn't make the original guest list, and were being invited to fill in when others couldn't attend.

We have kids similar in age and were maids-of-honor at each other's weddings, so I don't want to make a big stink about it, but I can't help but feel this is incredibly rude. Is there a polite way to inquire about why we weren't invited in the first place?

GENTLE READER: Finding polite ways to elicit, or at least court, impolite responses is sometimes unavoidable. "Do you still love me?" and "Is that what you are going to wear?" come to mind.

But Miss Manners urges you to avoid asking questions, polite or otherwise, to which you have already guessed -- but do not like -- the answer.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A few years ago, my wife and I combined our business with that of some friends of ours. Our combined efforts have been very successful. Seeing as we are business owners, our free time is very limited. We have very few weekends off; most are spent working.

Before we combined businesses, my wife and I had a robust social life and some well-developed hobbies. We have lots of friends, and used to do many things with them. It is something that we miss terribly.

Our business partners (and close friends) do not have the number of friends we do, and really have no interests outside of the business. They plan recreational activities for the four of us months ahead of time, with the result that my wife and I never have the opportunity to do our own things. We are spending every single weekend with them!

They are very excited to do these activities, but my wife and I would really prefer to take these rare days off and spend them with our other friends we rarely see. Is there any possible way to express that we would like to spend time with our other friends without hurting their feelings?

GENTLE READER: When your partners announce their intention to plan something, gently tell them you are busy. Miss Manners has to believe that, as business owners, they know that people occasionally need time off. And that, as business owners, you are so used to "talking tough," "telling it like it is," "being straight with people" -- and other timeworn, aggressive activities of the American business community -- that saying, "no, thank you," should not be too challenging.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friend, a good person who is financially better off than me, constantly overtips on our lunch dates.

Maybe it's just me being insecure, but I feel bad for tipping 22% when she is tipping almost 60%. Is it me?

GENTLE READER: As more and more parties split the bill, Miss Manners agrees we need a rule to avoid the problem you describe. The rule is this: It is impolite to inquire into another person's tip.

Without that knowledge, you may then feel bad, or not, in private.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A few months ago, I was contacted through social media by a person looking for information about my father. I inquired as to what their interest in him was, and was informed that they believed he was their father, as well.

They indicated that my father and their mother had dated when he was stationed near her, and that my father was aware of her being pregnant before he returned home.

I was certainly taken by surprise and, before going any further, requested that a DNA test be done to determine paternity. They have not done so, citing privacy concerns about submitting DNA. I am so upset -- with the ability to determine paternity with almost 100% certainty, no one should be making such assertions without being willing to verify the same.

I don't know how best to handle this situation. I have lost much sleep and suffered with incredible anxiety after this revelation.

My father and mother both passed away long ago, and there is no one left in his or my immediate family who can confirm that this is true. I don't feel I have any obligation to help without DNA, but I would like your thoughts on this matter.

GENTLE READER: If Miss Manners were to tell you that the DNA test is largely irrelevant, Gentle Readers would say she was being absurd.

But indeed, the DNA test is largely irrelevant to your real problem: the implied accusation against your father. To that, she notes that it was a long time ago, and you can treasure his memory even if he was not perfect.

While you have no obligation to help your potential half-sibling determine the truth, it would be a kindness to someone who is also struggling with a troubling gap in knowledge of the past.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At parties, it seems as if there are always people talking around the food tables, blocking others from partaking of the food and drinks.

How do you politely tell partygoers to get their food and step away from the table so others can enjoy the offerings? I also don't want to appear like a ravenous person who is just interested in eating.

GENTLE READER: As a fellow guest, you do not need to shoo others away from the table, you merely need to clear a path to your next item. This can be done with a simple "excuse me," which can be repeated as often as necessary.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am hosting my 50th high school reunion at my home. We are starting at 5 p.m., but I am unsure how to enforce the end time of 9 p.m., knowing the drinkers will try to overstay. How can I avoid this without any discomfort for my guests or myself?

GENTLE READER: Enlist the help of your high school intimates, who can be coached to make a noisy exit as the hour approaches: asking for coats, thanking you for a lovely party, remarking on the late hour and observing how quickly the time passed. Miss Manners recognizes this is not a foolproof method, and that you may have to clear the table and turn off the lights on those who cannot take a hint.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: On entering my son's house for my birthday celebration, one of his newly acquired stepdaughters said to me, "Oh, it's your birthday! When were you conceived?"

Holy cow! I have chalked up a lot of birthdays, but I've NEVER heard such a question asked of anyone. (She's the mother of a 1-year-old, so perhaps conception is still very much on her mind.) I was so dumbfounded that I stood there, mouth agape, and didn't answer. The mental image of my mother and father "conceiving" me was too much.

Then the sister of the questioner said, "Oh, I bet you were a Thanksgiving baby!"

What am I missing here? Is this a cultural thing? I know that I scolded several exchange students years ago when they asked me how much my new car cost. In this culture, I informed them, that's considered a rude question. They responded by saying, "Oh, in OUR culture, that's the first thing you ask."

GENTLE READER: Oh, dear. Miss Manners suggests that you consult a cultural anthropologist before you accept the cultural excuse for behavior that is considered rude where it is being done.

In this case, it is a rather lamely prurient interest in the circumstances that, shall we say, draw people together. Nine months after a blackout, for example, such people look to see whether there is an increase in the birth rate.

Anyway, the only possible answer would be, "I don't know; I wasn't paying attention at the time."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband grew up in an unhappy home, and came up with all kinds of strategies to stay out of trouble. Like, he has this odd way of answering a yes/no question with a word that could go either way. Plus, he can never be wrong.

Over the years, I've helped him overcome a lot of these things -- and God knows he's helped me be a better person, too. But he still refuses to answer if I call him from another room, thinking it's more expedient to leave his options open like he did with his family. Meanwhile, I have no idea if he's heard me, and I feel compelled to call him again. He gets annoyed, while I feel disrespected and devalued.

Is it too much to expect him to respond when I call him?

GENTLE READER: Not being a therapist, Miss Manners concerns herself more with how people treat one another than why. If there are no other problems, it seems to her that you could solve this one by walking into the room when you want his attention, and by following up your questions with, "Is that a yes or a no?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Having been blessed with 12 grandchildren and two great-grandchildren, I am no longer financially nor physically able to continue giving Christmas gifts to as many people as I would like.

Please help me convey the message that a Christmas greeting card is all I can do.

GENTLE READER: Write in those cards how much you love the recipients. That way, they will not be able to think that you have snubbed them.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)