Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there an etiquette for taking videos in another person's home?

We were enjoying a fun evening with extended family: playing cards, drinking wine and ultimately turning up the music and showing off our best awkward dance moves. At this point, I noticed my son's girlfriend standing in the corner of the room taking a video with her phone.

I told her "no video" and asked her to delete it, but she kept the phone focused on me and continued to record for another minute.

To me it really felt like a line had been crossed -- a pretty significant invasion of privacy. Sometimes we just want to let loose in our own home and not worry about what will show up on the internet. What is a reasonable expectation?

GENTLE READER: That your guests refrain from filming without your express permission.

Miss Manners thoroughly disapproves of this guest, whose transgression may have been made out of ignorance, but who followed it with insolence. Can't you introduce your son to somebody nicer?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I talk with customer service agents on the phone, they often repeat my first name at the beginning of every sentence or two. I think someone must be teaching them all to do this, because it happens all the time.

These are people whom I actually do want to talk with, in order to do things like book a hotel room. This habit of repeating my name over and over drives me crazy, making it hard for me to continue having a polite conversation.

When I ask them to stop, they usually start up again later in the call. I have tried repeating THEIR name at the beginning of every sentence, but it somehow makes me madder. Is anyone else having this problem?

GENTLE READER: Doubtlessly, because, as you suspect, many customer service agents have been trained to do this. That is because it is a truism that people adore hearing their own names -- except that, like many truisms, it is not always true.

Miss Manners doubts that you can overcome this training, but will give you another way of trying. In an ingratiating tone, as if you were conferring a favor, you can say, "I'm called sir (or ma'am)." At the least, it will give the agents another "crazy customer" story to share during their break.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Are long gloves still being worn? I have a formal military affair to attend. My dress is floor-length, sleeveless, with a high collar that covers the shoulders and neck (proper, as I am 62, so no cleavage).

Should I, or can I, wear long gloves? If so, to the elbow, or to mid-biceps? I go with the concept of "the shorter the sleeve and higher the neckline, the longer the glove," but I am unclear on when you wear over-the-elbow ones.

I would really like to wear gloves, as I think them a missed accessory; however, I do not wish to be inappropriate for the times.

GENTLE READER: Well, someone wore over-the-elbow gloves at the Metropolitan Museum Gala this year, but she didn't have much of a dress on at all. Miss Manners prefers your formula of the shorter the sleeve, the longer the glove -- although you would be surprised at the depth of the necklines Victorian ladies wore with their long gloves.

Technically, they should only be worn with full evening dress, known as white tie, but as that hardly exists any longer ... oh, go ahead. Just make sure you remove your gloves before eating or drinking.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I think even you, Miss Manners, might blanch at this problem. My friend's husband is a refugee, and I imagine he is obligated to pick up his English wherever he can. He is kind and obliging and adores his wife, but nobody seems to have told him about "language." His conversation is riddled with four-letter adjectives.

He doesn't seem to realize, for example, that over tea with his wife and her guests, he simply mustn't say that he "went to get some *@$*ing lumber to build the window, but left his *@$*ing measurements at home, and was *@$*ing annoyed with himself."

His wife is used to it, or has given up trying to improve his English. I am both mildly amused and mildly offended, and have no idea what to do.

GENTLE READER: Any blanching Miss Manners might have done was diffused many years ago by an old family story. Bear with her while she guesses that your friend's husband's habit might be explained without prejudice to the speaker, potty-mouthed though he might be.

It seems that a cousin of Miss Manners' was fortunate enough, as a very young man, to be befriended by the great Italian conductor Arturo Toscanini and his wife. Then during World War II, the cousin, as an American soldier, was assigned to be a guard at an Italian prisoner of war camp, where the prisoners taught him to speak Italian.

On his return, he said nothing about his new skill, hoping to surprise the Toscaninis by conversing with them in Italian.

Well, he certainly surprised them. Apparently it took Mrs. Toscanini a while to recover to the point of being able to explain to him what he had actually said.

The point here is that one should be careful when selecting language teachers. Your friend's husband must have learned from people who are in the habit of lacing their talk with expletives, as many people are nowadays. He may think it is ordinary speech, or perhaps he believes it is amusing or daring.

And unless his wife thinks so, too, she is the one who should tell him that others may find it offensive. If you mention it to her, it should be in the style of Mrs. Toscanini -- complimenting him on his skill, while gently saying that he might not realize the effect on others of his choice of words.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When dinner at home consists of an entree and also a salad on a separate salad plate, sometimes I prefer to finish the main course and then eat the salad.

It is rude for me to place the salad plate more conveniently on top of the entree plate while I enjoy the salad? I don't do this when others are around, but I always wonder if it would be gauche.

GENTLE READER: The lovable thing about etiquette -- perhaps one of its few such attributes -- is that it doesn't spy on you when you are alone. But to make this habit presentable in front of others, you need only remove your dinner plate, replacing it with the salad plate instead of balancing one on top of the other.

Miss Manners hopes that you will be happy to hear that in the traditional formal meal, salad is a separate course, served after the main course. Just the way you like it -- but without stacking the plates.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend of mine from school loves to post pictures of her 15-year-old daughter doing cheerleading poses. I get it, she's very proud of her daughter -- there's nothing wrong with that.

But I've noticed she likes to post pictures of her teenage daughter doing jumps in the air with her legs wide open, practically over her head -- zoomed in, front and center. These aren't faraway shots from the bleachers, but extremely up-close.

The problem is, you can clearly see her daughter's crotch up-close and personal in each of these pics. And she's always wearing her cheerleading outfit.

I'm not a prude at all, but find this to be very inappropriate. Why does she think this is OK? She has over 500 friends on social media, both male and female, and her account is public. Should I just ignore this, or bring it to her attention?

GENTLE READER: How about bringing it to the attention of the daughter? Or at least emphasizing that your friend should be asking for her consent to post these pictures? "Is your daughter really all right with you getting so many ... ahem ... close-up shots of her?"

Miss Manners realizes that this may well spark friction in the family -- or worse, it may not -- but at least all parties will have been warned of what exactly is on display. And if the social media platform takes them down for lewdness, they will know why.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My great-aunt passed away earlier this year. I am the executor of her estate.

I have started to receive communications from people who knew her and who had given her Christmas and birthday gifts over the years, asking to have these things returned to them.

I'm at a bit of a loss here. I've never heard of such a thing! When I give a gift to someone, it's theirs to do with as they wish. I have no further claim to it.

I have had to explain that the estate has gone through probate, all bequests have been honored and their name was not included in the will. Some become very insistent that I contact whoever has the item in question and ask them to "return" it. I decline.

I think this is incredibly tacky. Am I wrong? Is there a better way to handle this?

GENTLE READER: What a lovely way to express condolences: "Sorry you're dead. Now gimme back my stuff."

Of course you are in the right. And since this is a legal matter of possession, Miss Manners finds it perfectly within your rights to say so. Or to pass the unpleasant task off to the estate attorney.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)