Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister and parents are going to come visit us and stay for three nights. I was told very bluntly by my sister that I need to have empty drawer space and hanging space for their clothes.

We live in a 200-year-old farmhouse and have very little closet space and storage space. I have put my things in the guest room dresser for that reason. Our only closet is also in the guest room and is already quite packed with our clothes.

I agree, it is very nice to have a place to unpack and store your clothes when staying somewhere overnight, but is it expected? My sister even went so far as to tell me that I needed to get rid of some of my things to make room for guests.

They visit about every two or three years. I find this infuriating, to be honest. I am not running a B&B or a hotel. I thought the purpose of visiting family was to enjoy each other's company, not to make demands about your accommodations. Am I wrong to feel upset by this?

GENTLE READER: Since you mention farmhouses, it occurs to Miss Manners that the story of Mary and Joseph's stay in the stable is not about substandard concierge service. The inn was full.

Ancient texts -- both religious and secular -- were extremely concerned about the duties of the host. If this innkeeper had misbehaved, we would have heard about it -- if not in the text itself, then in Dante's epic "where are they now?" follow-up.

Most hosts do not have a bedroom and bathroom that can sit entirely empty in anticipation of company, but this does not make them bad hosts. A hostess should make guests feel welcome, which means as comfortable as reasonably possible.

Herein lies the trouble. How much must the hostess inconvenience herself? In the situation you describe, emptying an entire closet -- when there is not a second closet in the house -- may be too much to ask. But a little drawer space and a place to hang a few items does not seem unreasonable.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend who is moving to the East Coast. They will keep their current job, mostly working remotely, but will still need to travel back here to visit their office fairly frequently.

They asked me if they could come and stay at my house, for weeks at a time, when they need to be close to the office. I didn't respond, but was horrified at the request, not only because I am working full-time and have a number of commitments, which their presence would no doubt compromise (they tend to try to control things), but because having someone living with me for weeks is simply not in my best interest.

What can I say to this friend to avert this potential disaster as well as keep our friendship?

GENTLE READER: What can you say? "No."

Miss Manners would have thought the problem was how to say it, to which she would have answered: with a decisive tone dripping with sympathy and regret, no excuses needed.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there an etiquette for taking videos in another person's home?

We were enjoying a fun evening with extended family: playing cards, drinking wine and ultimately turning up the music and showing off our best awkward dance moves. At this point, I noticed my son's girlfriend standing in the corner of the room taking a video with her phone.

I told her "no video" and asked her to delete it, but she kept the phone focused on me and continued to record for another minute.

To me it really felt like a line had been crossed -- a pretty significant invasion of privacy. Sometimes we just want to let loose in our own home and not worry about what will show up on the internet. What is a reasonable expectation?

GENTLE READER: That your guests refrain from filming without your express permission.

Miss Manners thoroughly disapproves of this guest, whose transgression may have been made out of ignorance, but who followed it with insolence. Can't you introduce your son to somebody nicer?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I talk with customer service agents on the phone, they often repeat my first name at the beginning of every sentence or two. I think someone must be teaching them all to do this, because it happens all the time.

These are people whom I actually do want to talk with, in order to do things like book a hotel room. This habit of repeating my name over and over drives me crazy, making it hard for me to continue having a polite conversation.

When I ask them to stop, they usually start up again later in the call. I have tried repeating THEIR name at the beginning of every sentence, but it somehow makes me madder. Is anyone else having this problem?

GENTLE READER: Doubtlessly, because, as you suspect, many customer service agents have been trained to do this. That is because it is a truism that people adore hearing their own names -- except that, like many truisms, it is not always true.

Miss Manners doubts that you can overcome this training, but will give you another way of trying. In an ingratiating tone, as if you were conferring a favor, you can say, "I'm called sir (or ma'am)." At the least, it will give the agents another "crazy customer" story to share during their break.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Are long gloves still being worn? I have a formal military affair to attend. My dress is floor-length, sleeveless, with a high collar that covers the shoulders and neck (proper, as I am 62, so no cleavage).

Should I, or can I, wear long gloves? If so, to the elbow, or to mid-biceps? I go with the concept of "the shorter the sleeve and higher the neckline, the longer the glove," but I am unclear on when you wear over-the-elbow ones.

I would really like to wear gloves, as I think them a missed accessory; however, I do not wish to be inappropriate for the times.

GENTLE READER: Well, someone wore over-the-elbow gloves at the Metropolitan Museum Gala this year, but she didn't have much of a dress on at all. Miss Manners prefers your formula of the shorter the sleeve, the longer the glove -- although you would be surprised at the depth of the necklines Victorian ladies wore with their long gloves.

Technically, they should only be worn with full evening dress, known as white tie, but as that hardly exists any longer ... oh, go ahead. Just make sure you remove your gloves before eating or drinking.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I think even you, Miss Manners, might blanch at this problem. My friend's husband is a refugee, and I imagine he is obligated to pick up his English wherever he can. He is kind and obliging and adores his wife, but nobody seems to have told him about "language." His conversation is riddled with four-letter adjectives.

He doesn't seem to realize, for example, that over tea with his wife and her guests, he simply mustn't say that he "went to get some *@$*ing lumber to build the window, but left his *@$*ing measurements at home, and was *@$*ing annoyed with himself."

His wife is used to it, or has given up trying to improve his English. I am both mildly amused and mildly offended, and have no idea what to do.

GENTLE READER: Any blanching Miss Manners might have done was diffused many years ago by an old family story. Bear with her while she guesses that your friend's husband's habit might be explained without prejudice to the speaker, potty-mouthed though he might be.

It seems that a cousin of Miss Manners' was fortunate enough, as a very young man, to be befriended by the great Italian conductor Arturo Toscanini and his wife. Then during World War II, the cousin, as an American soldier, was assigned to be a guard at an Italian prisoner of war camp, where the prisoners taught him to speak Italian.

On his return, he said nothing about his new skill, hoping to surprise the Toscaninis by conversing with them in Italian.

Well, he certainly surprised them. Apparently it took Mrs. Toscanini a while to recover to the point of being able to explain to him what he had actually said.

The point here is that one should be careful when selecting language teachers. Your friend's husband must have learned from people who are in the habit of lacing their talk with expletives, as many people are nowadays. He may think it is ordinary speech, or perhaps he believes it is amusing or daring.

And unless his wife thinks so, too, she is the one who should tell him that others may find it offensive. If you mention it to her, it should be in the style of Mrs. Toscanini -- complimenting him on his skill, while gently saying that he might not realize the effect on others of his choice of words.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When dinner at home consists of an entree and also a salad on a separate salad plate, sometimes I prefer to finish the main course and then eat the salad.

It is rude for me to place the salad plate more conveniently on top of the entree plate while I enjoy the salad? I don't do this when others are around, but I always wonder if it would be gauche.

GENTLE READER: The lovable thing about etiquette -- perhaps one of its few such attributes -- is that it doesn't spy on you when you are alone. But to make this habit presentable in front of others, you need only remove your dinner plate, replacing it with the salad plate instead of balancing one on top of the other.

Miss Manners hopes that you will be happy to hear that in the traditional formal meal, salad is a separate course, served after the main course. Just the way you like it -- but without stacking the plates.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)