Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have received gift cards -- one for a spa and another for a restaurant -- in which the amount of the gift, while generous, wouldn't be enough to cover any treatment at the spa or a meal for two at the restaurant.

In each case, the amount on the gift card is significant, but as the establishment is quite expensive, it's still not enough that I wouldn't need to spend additional money to cover the difference (plus tip).

As a result, these gift cards will likely go unused, as these are not establishments that I typically frequent. Is there any way to graciously convey this? I hate to see the gift cards go unused.

GENTLE READER: If there were a way to leave the giver thinking that the gift was so successful that a repetition next year would be welcome, you could then pool the two sums.

But Miss Manners can think of no way to accomplish this that does not involve lying about what happened to this year's card or pointing out its deficiency, both of which she strongly discourages. Even if she could, most gift cards carry expiration dates. These ones will therefore have to go the way of the purple sweater you hate and be returned, regifted or ignored.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I get along with most of my neighbors, but there's one family we'll never be close to. They're just a bit snobby, with spoiled kids and no concern for others.

A waist-high fence separates our yards. Basketballs and soccer balls fly into our yard a lot. If I'm out there, I throw them back, no problem. I've added a hook to close, not lock, our front fence, as we're having a lot of work done and don't want anyone getting hurt.

In a group party game at the neighbor's, one piece of equipment came over our fence. I looked everywhere, but couldn't find it. I was sitting outside at the time, dealing with a very ill family member, and said I would find it later and drop it off.

They asked to come over and look. I let one child over, who couldn't find it. Then they all wanted to come look. I said no, we have something going on. It was pretty obvious we were dealing with something serious.

Their guests came to the front gate asking to come in, saying their game was ruined. I was polite, but said I'd return it as soon as I could. I just couldn't deal with a large group wandering through piles of materials and disrupting us.

The next day I searched, found and returned it. The frost has been palpable. Am I the bad neighbor?

GENTLE READER: No, but you are not going to convince them of that. What you might be able to do is convince them to be more careful with their sporting equipment. Miss Manners points out that that, too, will require care and balance: If you are friendlier than they are, they may read it as conceding you were wrong; if you are hostile, you risk escalation.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister and parents are going to come visit us and stay for three nights. I was told very bluntly by my sister that I need to have empty drawer space and hanging space for their clothes.

We live in a 200-year-old farmhouse and have very little closet space and storage space. I have put my things in the guest room dresser for that reason. Our only closet is also in the guest room and is already quite packed with our clothes.

I agree, it is very nice to have a place to unpack and store your clothes when staying somewhere overnight, but is it expected? My sister even went so far as to tell me that I needed to get rid of some of my things to make room for guests.

They visit about every two or three years. I find this infuriating, to be honest. I am not running a B&B or a hotel. I thought the purpose of visiting family was to enjoy each other's company, not to make demands about your accommodations. Am I wrong to feel upset by this?

GENTLE READER: Since you mention farmhouses, it occurs to Miss Manners that the story of Mary and Joseph's stay in the stable is not about substandard concierge service. The inn was full.

Ancient texts -- both religious and secular -- were extremely concerned about the duties of the host. If this innkeeper had misbehaved, we would have heard about it -- if not in the text itself, then in Dante's epic "where are they now?" follow-up.

Most hosts do not have a bedroom and bathroom that can sit entirely empty in anticipation of company, but this does not make them bad hosts. A hostess should make guests feel welcome, which means as comfortable as reasonably possible.

Herein lies the trouble. How much must the hostess inconvenience herself? In the situation you describe, emptying an entire closet -- when there is not a second closet in the house -- may be too much to ask. But a little drawer space and a place to hang a few items does not seem unreasonable.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend who is moving to the East Coast. They will keep their current job, mostly working remotely, but will still need to travel back here to visit their office fairly frequently.

They asked me if they could come and stay at my house, for weeks at a time, when they need to be close to the office. I didn't respond, but was horrified at the request, not only because I am working full-time and have a number of commitments, which their presence would no doubt compromise (they tend to try to control things), but because having someone living with me for weeks is simply not in my best interest.

What can I say to this friend to avert this potential disaster as well as keep our friendship?

GENTLE READER: What can you say? "No."

Miss Manners would have thought the problem was how to say it, to which she would have answered: with a decisive tone dripping with sympathy and regret, no excuses needed.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there an etiquette for taking videos in another person's home?

We were enjoying a fun evening with extended family: playing cards, drinking wine and ultimately turning up the music and showing off our best awkward dance moves. At this point, I noticed my son's girlfriend standing in the corner of the room taking a video with her phone.

I told her "no video" and asked her to delete it, but she kept the phone focused on me and continued to record for another minute.

To me it really felt like a line had been crossed -- a pretty significant invasion of privacy. Sometimes we just want to let loose in our own home and not worry about what will show up on the internet. What is a reasonable expectation?

GENTLE READER: That your guests refrain from filming without your express permission.

Miss Manners thoroughly disapproves of this guest, whose transgression may have been made out of ignorance, but who followed it with insolence. Can't you introduce your son to somebody nicer?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I talk with customer service agents on the phone, they often repeat my first name at the beginning of every sentence or two. I think someone must be teaching them all to do this, because it happens all the time.

These are people whom I actually do want to talk with, in order to do things like book a hotel room. This habit of repeating my name over and over drives me crazy, making it hard for me to continue having a polite conversation.

When I ask them to stop, they usually start up again later in the call. I have tried repeating THEIR name at the beginning of every sentence, but it somehow makes me madder. Is anyone else having this problem?

GENTLE READER: Doubtlessly, because, as you suspect, many customer service agents have been trained to do this. That is because it is a truism that people adore hearing their own names -- except that, like many truisms, it is not always true.

Miss Manners doubts that you can overcome this training, but will give you another way of trying. In an ingratiating tone, as if you were conferring a favor, you can say, "I'm called sir (or ma'am)." At the least, it will give the agents another "crazy customer" story to share during their break.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Are long gloves still being worn? I have a formal military affair to attend. My dress is floor-length, sleeveless, with a high collar that covers the shoulders and neck (proper, as I am 62, so no cleavage).

Should I, or can I, wear long gloves? If so, to the elbow, or to mid-biceps? I go with the concept of "the shorter the sleeve and higher the neckline, the longer the glove," but I am unclear on when you wear over-the-elbow ones.

I would really like to wear gloves, as I think them a missed accessory; however, I do not wish to be inappropriate for the times.

GENTLE READER: Well, someone wore over-the-elbow gloves at the Metropolitan Museum Gala this year, but she didn't have much of a dress on at all. Miss Manners prefers your formula of the shorter the sleeve, the longer the glove -- although you would be surprised at the depth of the necklines Victorian ladies wore with their long gloves.

Technically, they should only be worn with full evening dress, known as white tie, but as that hardly exists any longer ... oh, go ahead. Just make sure you remove your gloves before eating or drinking.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)