DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I will be celebrating our 51st wedding anniversary soon, and we sent out electronic invitations to nine couples to share this occasion at our favorite restaurant.

The wife of one of the couples we invited has Alzheimer's; we have not seen her for over a year and have no idea what to expect. At our last get-together with her, her husband and other friends, she was very quiet and did not recognize any of her friends.

I see her husband monthly and I always ask how she is doing. When he replied to the invitation, he said he would need to bring his wife's caregiver. I responded, "I'll put you down for three." I did not say anything about who would pay for the caregiver's dinner.

They have been very good friends to us over the years. We have no children and our families are spread out, making it hard to get together for special occasions, so they have included us in some of their holiday celebrations.

I plan on paying for the caregiver's dinner because I believe it is the right thing to do. But out of curiosity, what is the appropriate way to handle this situation?

GENTLE READER: The appropriate way is as you have done and are planning to do. The husband may intercede and offer to pay -- and if he fights you hard enough, you may graciously allow him to do so. But otherwise, Miss Manners suggests that you kindly include the caregiver in your tally. It is a small price to pay for the comfort of this couple and your other guests.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was invited to a dinner at my brother's house where beef was being served as the main course. I don't eat beef, and my brother and his wife are aware that I don't eat beef.

A few days before, my brother called me to tell me to bring something to eat, as nothing else would be served. I said I would just eat a salad and the side dishes, but he still encouraged me to bring something, saying the sides would also contain meat.

I arrived with a small lobster tail, already prepared, and put it on my plate when dinner was being served. Both my brother and sister-in-law began commenting how inappropriate it was for me to bring a lobster tail for myself and not the entire group.

No other person brought anything to the dinner; they all ate the beef. Was I wrong to bring the lobster tail? Should I have brought lobster tail for all their guests?

GENTLE READER: You did what you were told. Unfortunately for you, none of the other guests were informed. So it had the unfortunate result of making you look bad when, in fact, you were trying to be accommodating where your hosts were not.

That said, a lobster tail does look a bit ostentatious. If you were in a position to provide the other half of "Surf 'n Turf" for everyone, it would have been the most gracious course in what was, Miss Manners readily admits, an unfair situation.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a dear friend of many years who is now a member of a fundamentalist religion. I am an atheist. She has recently started saying grace out loud when we meet for lunch at a restaurant.

At first, I awkwardly stopped eating while she said it, then I started to half-pause, half-nibble on my food until she was finished with her lengthy prayer. The last time she announced she would be saying grace, I agreed that that was fine, but that I don't say grace; I then tucked into my food while she said a fairly long prayer.

If she were to say grace silently, I would feel differently about it, and would wait for her to finish. Her saying it out loud, and including me in her messages to her deity -- "Please help (my name) to overcome (difficulty)" -- feels like I'm being forced to join in.

What is the most mannerly way to respond the next time she announces she is going to pray out loud?

GENTLE READER: Your first reaction -- waiting in respectful silence for her to finish -- is the right place to start. Miss Manners does not subscribe to the notion that merely being present and respectful when someone else practices their religion is tantamount to endorsing that religion.

But neither does she condone your friend's misuse of that basic respect as a cover for proselytizing to an unwilling subject. You could excuse yourself from the table and return when services are concluded.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A small group of friends meets each week for games, drinks and snacks. A new member, who is a not a wine drinker, would bring wine now and then for everyone else. She is aware of the type of wine that we all prefer.

One time she brought a bottle, and I'll just say it was the total opposite of the type we drink. I gave it back to her with the comment that it wasn't one that we would drink, and commented on why.

She argued with me that it was the correct type. I pointed out the specifics, and she concurred that she had made a mistake. My intention was that she return the bottle and get her money back.

However, I have been wondering if that was the right way to handle that. Since then, she never brings wine, and seems rather cool towards me. What do you do when a guest brings a wine that is to no one's liking?

GENTLE READER: You identified a problem and you fixed it, Miss Manners can hear you saying, with the word "proactive" featuring prominently in your explanation, no doubt.

But your approach was rude, it hurt your friend's feelings, and it solved a problem that did not need solving. You could have thanked your friend and left the bottle out on the table. When no one drank it, your friend would have had to draw her own conclusions.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I seem to have a different point of view about how tidy the house should be when visitors are expected to arrive. To that end, he will inform me if someone's planning to stop by.

For example, we planned a trip over the holidays, and he did not share with me until the evening before we left that his daughter and her new girlfriend were going to stop by while we were away to check in on the house and my mother-in-law (who lives with us). I ended up cleaning the house the best I could until late that night, to make sure that the house presented well to our guests in our absence.

This is not the first time people have stopped by for a visit with little to no warning, or straight-up without my knowledge, so that I could make sure things were tidy and presentable. I have communicated my concern to my husband; however, my feelings are not considered, as the house looks "just fine" in his opinion.

Am I the only one who still feels it's important to make your house tidy for visitors, or that I should at least be given fair warning to clean properly?

GENTLE READER: Although you likely feel that your husband would approve of the state of the house even if it were buried in a mudslide, neither he, nor anyone else, has questioned your premise -- that it reflects poorly on the homeowner when a guest finds a mess.

Unfortunately, husbands and wives, children and parents, boyfriends and girlfriends seldom agree on what constitutes a mess. Miss Manners recommends starting from the former point of agreement, not the latter point of disagreement. If you require him to help with the cleanup, he may see the benefit of advance warning -- or he may convince you that there is a midpoint of tidiness that is mutually acceptable.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We hosted an event at our home where a couple arrived 45 minutes before the time on the invitation. We were still getting ready, and we had not yet sequestered our rambunctious dogs, as we generally do when we are entertaining.

My husband attempted to hold onto the dogs so they wouldn't jump on the guests. In the melee, he sustained a bad fall. Fortunately, he wasn't hurt beyond a mild cut and a bump on his head, but it was a scary moment. I was upset and did make a rather curt comment to the guests that they should not have arrived so early without letting us know. Isn't this as rude as arriving late?

What is one supposed to say or do when guests arrive before the host and hostess are ready to receive them?

GENTLE READER: One is supposed to say how happy you are to see them; one is supposed to do whatever is necessary to finish party preparation -- which, Miss Manners is aware, will demonstrate the inconvenience caused without your having to be rude.

The gladiatorial battle with the dogs -- and the subsequent fall -- accomplished the latter, if only you could have held up your end by doing the former.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)