Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I often do the evening kitchen clearing and dishwashing for our household, and I do a thorough job. While working at the sink, I often wish to spit into the drain, but hesitate, wondering if it is appropriate. When I do spit, I am careful and it goes directly into the drain, so it doesn't contaminate the sink at all.

I'm uncomfortable, though. Could you please comment on the etiquette of this action?

GENTLE READER: Human saliva and kitchen cleaning should never meet, especially at the same sink -- however undetectable you think it may be. (And it is only a matter of time before you are caught and never trusted to do the dishes again.) Miss Manners suggests that you continue rightfully hesitating until you are safely in the bathroom -- behind firmly closed and locked doors and with the water running loudly.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Once a solitary diner has been seated and served, does etiquette allow said diner to put on headphones?

Suffering from severe tinnitus makes background music, the conversations of nearby diners and the general hubbub of restaurants nearly unbearable at times. Discreetly inserting earplugs is my usual course of action, but noise-canceling headphones would be my preference. What does Miss Manners have to say on the subject?

GENTLE READER: She hesitates to say, since you probably will not hear the answer.

This would be the argument against your plan, as it will become increasingly frustrating for the waitstaff to ask how your food is.

On second thought, Miss Manners suddenly sees the benefit. All right. As long as you promise to take off the headphones when you ask for the pepper or the check, she will allow you to wear them -- if it is done discreetly and without repeatedly and loudly saying "What?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Many times when I am invited to someone's house or to an outing, they have also invited other people, but did not tell me. I only find out when I arrive. Or they will mention that one other person will be joining us, and leave out mentioning a second or third.

This also happens in reverse: when I invite a person to an activity and they bring along someone else without telling me.

Am I wrong for being upset by this? If asked ahead of time, I would always agree to additional people. I just want to know in advance. I sometimes ask if it will be "just us," but also feel rude about doing that.

GENTLE READER: One social violation at a time. It is nice, but not required, for a host to inform one's guests of any unexpected or additional ones. It is definitely rude, however, to go to someone else's house and bring a guest without first asking permission. It is borderline impolite if there is no host, but the plans were mutually made.

Certainly, a warning is always welcome. And since you seem to have been burned multiple times, Miss Manners will permit you to continue to ask any repeat offenders if it will be "just us."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A few days ago, my mother-in-law informed me of the death of her husband's brother. I passed along the news to more distant relatives who needed to be informed.

A day later, however, my father-in-law told us that the uncle in question was ... not actually dead. I updated the relatives, but I had trouble not making it sound like a farce, which seemed disrespectful of the uncle in question.

I am curious if there is a more polite way to tell people, "My mother-in-law is declaring people dead when they're not."

GENTLE READER: "It seems that there has been a mistake and fortunately, Uncle Lou is not, in fact, dead." Miss Manners hopes that the relief this news provides will overshadow the blame of whoever's mistake it originally was.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I enjoy inviting people for dinner, and extend invitations often. I'm happy to cook, and if people ask what they can bring, I often tell them to just bring themselves, or maybe something easy like buns from the store.

These dinners are fun; people bring their kids, who play with ours while the adults usually chat and laugh around the table.

I've been running into a problem lately, though, where I extend an invitation by text and people just don't respond. Or they do respond, but after a significant time lapse -- over a week, in a recent case.

I'm at a loss as to how to manage ignored invitations. It hurts my feelings, but it feels petulant to poke the ignorers with some version of, "Why aren't you paying attention to me???"

Am I out of touch for expecting responses? Is there something I'm not seeing or understanding here about hosting, invites and RSVPs?

GENTLE READER: Yes: that people have two rude reasons for not answering.

1. They want to see who else is going to respond first before they commit, and 2. They are not sure if they will feel like it.

Wait, Miss Manners just thought of another: 3. They want to wait to see if they get a better offer.

That these non-responses are rude does not make it any easier to plan if you ignore them right back.

Miss Manners' suggestion is much more effective -- and fun -- than being petulant: "You must not have gotten my text from last week, because I haven't heard back. We would love to have you and the kids over for dinner on Saturday."

And then let us all make a vow to answer invitations promptly, even if we do not feel like it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I like to wear pretty stick-on nails with patterns and designs on them. What do I do when someone grabs my hand and looks close-up at the designs? I truly don't know what to say or how to take my hand back when someone has grabbed it.

GENTLE READER: Scream from the shock of it. If that does not scare someone off from harshly grabbing you, Miss Manners suggests that a handful of wayward press-ons might.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I run an online company and buy additional merchandise locally, one to three times a year. The money spent is at stores where there is an option to negotiate price.

I am having trouble because the salespeople, and even other customers, are always asking me why I'm buying so much and who it's for. If I tell them it's for my business, then they take offense that I am getting deals, but if I am vague, I get better pricing. I had one place tell me that wholesalers don't get deals.

I need to know how to respond respectfully to the intrusive questioning without a conversation about me reselling the items. I don't feel it's the salesperson's business what quantity I buy of anything, but there always seems to be a need for me to explain myself. How can I answer?

GENTLE READER: Common courtesy requires you to respond when someone speaks to you, but it does not require you to answer intrusive questions, nor does it require variety.

When asked who the items are for, you could answer, "I really like this item." When asked why you are buying so many, answer, "I'm stocking up."

If the person presses, do not be afraid to make the same answer -- with a slightly less friendly demeanor. Even businesspeople with such little business experience as to suggest that wholesalers should pay more will eventually get the idea.

While Miss Manners agrees that you have no obligation to share your plans, she reminds you that you are under a moral obligation not to ask the shopkeeper to reduce the price on the grounds that it is intended for your injured niece.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friend is getting married and asked me to be her maid of honor. Of course, I accepted. She told me she was getting married privately in the fall, which sounded good to me.

She then clarified that she is getting married PRIVATELY-privately. No one is invited. No friends. No family. No wedding party. She might have a reception "sometime next year." (For this friend, "sometime" means "never.")

This is not COVID-related, as we have been socializing after our vaccinations. I respect her decision, even though I thought it odd. It's her wedding, after all.

What are my obligations as her maid of honor in these circumstances? Do I plan a bridal shower for guests who will not be invited to the main event? A bachelorette party? What is a wedding party without a wedding?

GENTLE READER: It requires a lot of smiling.

As you probably suspect, asking the bride what you can do might be inviting trouble. Miss Manners suggests that you thank her for asking you to be her maid of honor, and say you will be happy to stand up with her if she would like you to attend.

Surely if the bride is willing to dispense with the burden of other services that have come to be expected of wedding attendants, you should be, too. But as her friend, it would be charming of you to propose something you would be willing to do, such as throwing a party for the couple after the wedding trip.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)