Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Seems the trend lately is to send graduation announcements, but only to receive a gift. I was taught that you don't expect anything from others just because you did something.

I have received three recent graduate pics from friends' children requesting support for their future. There is no party or get-together for these graduates -- some explain it's due to COVID, and others don't give a reason.

I was raised that if you get a gift, it's usually because you had a celebration. I don't want to be rude, but come on. This is just asking for money.

GENTLE READER: Apparently the announcements you received contained express requests for money, which is indeed crude. But so, Miss Manners believes, is your notion that a present is payment for entertainment.

You should give a present because you care for the person or the family, and want to mark the occasion. You are not even required to bring a present to a graduation party -- although Miss Manners might add that you have no business attending a party where you do not care about the people.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: There was recently an awards ceremony honoring athletes at a local high school. It is a "merged" school, and it adopted the mascot of one of the previous schools while the other's was discarded.

Some of the athletes at the event were from the school whose mascot was sort of "retired." However, in the announcements, they were all mentioned under the same nickname. For example, "These students are the pride of the Raccoons" -- but some were actually Beavers (not the real names).

I feel it is a simple thing, and that both mascots should be mentioned. I hope what I am saying is clear. Please share your thoughts.

GENTLE READER: Why was that mascot retired?

Miss Manners can guess.

If the mascot was deemed to be offensive, it would not be a good idea to launch one last offense. If you are one of the athletes, or a parent, an alumnus or a coach, and are feeling innocent of any intention to offend, you would be well advised to commiserate in private with others in the same position.

But if the Beaver was just an inoffensive beaver who was overlooked, the young athletes may want to register a polite protest.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it OK for an 8-year-old girl to wear a strapless dress to a concert?

GENTLE READER: Do you mean aesthetically or structurally?

In both cases, the answer is no. Miss Manners presumes that she got out of the house before her parents noticed what she was wearing.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the polite way to refuse an invitation to stay in someone's home when it's someone you truly love and enjoy spending time with?

My brother has a simply dreadful guest bed. Any nights sleeping in it -- or, rather, not sleeping -- make me regret visiting, but he's very dear to me. The last thing I'd want to do is hurt his feelings, or his wife's.

GENTLE READER: "I'm a restless sleeper" -- as indeed you told Miss Manners you are, when in that bed -- "but just tell me what time to be over for breakfast."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a part of a small, close-knit group of girlfriends. We were previously co-workers, but remained very close after we all went on to different jobs. We talk constantly, confide in one another and try to schedule a girls' night at least once a month among our busy schedules. I look forward to seeing these girls every time, and we always end up having a great night out.

But when it comes time for us to select which restaurant we'd like to go to, one of the girls always turns down many recommendations because she "didn't like it there," "wasn't impressed" or "doesn't like that type of food."

Now, my other friends and I are always more than accommodating if someone mentions they are uninterested in eating at a certain place. However, this particular person always ends up ordering the exact same thing at every restaurant we go to, whether it's somewhere she adores or dislikes. (It is a dish served at every restaurant due to the fact it's usually found on the children's menu.)

Are we enabling her by working around her pickier wishes, despite the fact that she doesn't order anything other than one item? The rest of us are a bit more adventurous and would love to try new foods, but we do not want to all go and exclude the one friend. How should we handle this?

GENTLE READER: It is gracious of you not to point out that Darlene always gets the chicken fingers no matter what. Perhaps as a compromise, you can make a schedule where each of you gets to pick the restaurant when it is your turn. That way, Miss Manners suggests, Darlene will have to tolerate the others' more adventurous picks -- but the rest of you will then have to eagerly agree when she enthusiastically suggests "Cluck Cluck's" or "The Golden Rooster."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Some friends and I met for a birthday luncheon. The honoree chose the white-tablecloth restaurant that he knew all of us enjoyed.

About halfway through our meal, three men were seated at the table next to ours. One of the men regaled everyone within three tables around us with how wonderful, interesting and hilarious his life is. He definitely was never taught about using an inside voice. Mr. Look-at-Me was getting glares and eye rolls from several tables, but he either didn't notice or didn't care.

What, if anything, could we have done in that situation? Nobody wanted to cause a scene, but he basically changed the tone of our lunch, and apparently that of others seated nearby.

GENTLE READER: "I am not sure that you're aware, but your voice is carrying and we are able to hear all of your personal stories. I'm sure that you want to keep those things private."

And then Miss Manners suggests adding a knowing and conspiratorial look -- that will no doubt send him spiraling, wondering what salacious thing he inadvertently shouted.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a single gay man who has been invited to a number of weddings of the children of close friends. While these are friends of long standing, we live in different parts of the country, so I don't know the children well at all.

The wedding rituals, particularly those at many parties after the ceremony, are not things I generally feel comfortable with or enjoy. Is there a way to politely decline without offending my friends?

GENTLE READER: "No, thank you."

Miss Manners shares your distaste for wedding rituals that involve lifting (garments, not chairs), stuffing or donating. A wedding is a dignified affair and its guests should not be coerced into any practices that are unseemly. No explanation -- or need to listen to lengthy justifications of why this particular ritual is considered traditional -- necessary.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend with whom I interact very frequently. He will tell me to meet him at his apartment at a certain time. If I arrive on time, he almost always seems put out, asking why I have arrived so early and complaining that he feels rushed.

When I ask whether I misunderstood or misremembered the appointed time, he checks the clock and acknowledges that he lost track of time and didn't realize it was already that time.

Tiring of his crankiness, I have made a habit of arriving several minutes late. This generally seems to have solved the problem. However, very occasionally, he will notice that I have arrived a few minutes late and ask, in a way that seems to accuse me of wasting his time, why I'm late.

I tried being honest once, saying that it seemed more polite to give him a few extra minutes to prepare. That was a mistake, as he didn't like the implication that he wasn't usually on time (even though he is not!).

Now, I just apologize and promise to mend my ways even though I have no intention of doing so, as being on time is far and away more likely to cause problems than being slightly late.

I have been wondering whether this is the best approach, though. Does Miss Manners have a better solution, short of breaking off the friendship? While my friend is cranky about time, he has many other redeeming features and we have many mutual interests.

GENTLE READER: You seem to be spending loads of unnecessary energy getting around the problem -- by guessing your friend's changing mood and daily schedule -- rather than addressing it head-on.

"When we make plans, please let me know when would be the ideal time to meet. I tend to go by the clock, but am happy to employ another system. I just need to know what it is."

Miss Manners recognizes that this might make your friend take offense. But given your history, that seems inevitable. At least this time you will be expecting it. Which is more than he can say about your arrivals.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)