Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am trying to find a relationship via online dating. I believe in honesty, and my online profile is completely accurate -- with one exception.

Although the dating site encourages users to use their real first names as screen names, I am uncomfortable with this. Instead, I use a pseudonym (let's call it "Biff") that I think is unlikely to be confused with a real name. When I correspond with women on the site, if it seems like we will end up meeting each other, I then explain that I am not named Biff in real life.

Nobody has ever complained about this, and it turns out that many women do the same. However, I recently had a video chat with a woman where I forgot to disclose. She went into the chat thinking I was Biff and became very upset when she learned otherwise. She said I tricked her.

I tried to explain, but she was dissatisfied. She quickly disconnected and then blocked me on the dating site.

What is your take on this? Did she overreact, in which case I may be better off not getting involved with someone who has a short fuse? Or was I the one who committed the faux pas?

GENTLE READER: Initially introducing oneself under false premises used to be a serious offense; in the context you cite, it is, unfortunately, merely common sense.

You were right to give your real name when you did -- but it seems that the lady overreacted (thereby saving you the trouble of getting to know her). In future, perhaps you can choose an even more obvious non-name, such as Bff4123@. As you have already learned, you will not be the only person on the site ignoring the encouragement to use your real name.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I sell furniture on a commission basis. Is it appropriate to ask clients to request me personally if and when they return to the shop? Also, is it appropriate to inform them of my days off, so they do not come in and purchase something from someone else when I am not there?

It is important for me to make as many sales as possible, but I do not want to appear greedy or pushy. My first idea was to write the information on the back of my card -- my days off, and a request that they ask for me.

If either or both are acceptable, can you please advise me of the correct, most polite verbiage to use?

GENTLE READER: If you do not wish to appear greedy or pushy, neither of which would win their loyalty, give them your card and say that you would be most pleased to help them again if there is anything else they need in the future.

Even the least observant customer will guess that you work on commission, but most will still appreciate your phrasing it as a desire to help them rather than to advance yourself.

Miss Manners would apply the same principle of emphasizing the positive to the matter of availability: Providing the times when you will be working, instead of when you will not, has the added benefit of not being open to misinterpretation.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My partner of many years often corrects my misstatements, even if they are of a very trivial nature ("It was not a blue car we saw, darling, it was turquoise"). In fact, she seems to enjoy correcting me.

In contrast, I usually don't bother to correct her minor mistakes ("We didn't see your friend two days ago; it was three days"). To me, it does not seem worth the bother.

Can you tell me if there is a point of etiquette here?

GENTLE READER: How did you manage to stick it out with this person for so many years? The annoyance factor must be overwhelming.

You should not need a point of etiquette here -- the survival instinct should alert people to the danger of continually irritating one's partner.

Miss Manners can tell you that there are academic and other forums where correcting facts is desirable. Social occasions with one's partner are not among them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm hosting a bridal shower with my daughter-in-law for my granddaughter, who is a ballerina. She has worked in Berlin and is now working in the U.S., engaged to a German citizen.

They are planning on setting up a home in the U.S. after they get married in Santorini, Greece. They will be starting from scratch.

I told her to register at a few places, but she only registered for a total of eight gifts -- and some were measuring spoons. They don't want to select things until they set up an apartment or house.

We have a shower approaching with 14 family members and nine of her friends. How do I tell people that if they can't find something, they can give a gift card? I'm embarrassed.

GENTLE READER: As well you should be. You are why etiquette disapproves of relatives giving showers.

Rather than thinking of it as a pleasant way to celebrate with her friends, you are determined to turn it into a fundraiser. Miss Manners is pleased to hear that your granddaughter is resisting this.

Surely you can tell the relatives that your granddaughter can't use household possessions now. Or you could offer to store gifts for her -- they are not likely to be pieces of furniture -- until she can. Or, better yet, just give a party in her honor without calling it a shower.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My family has a long tradition of serving corn on the cob at barbecues, but I am not able to eat it straight from the cob because of my dental work. Is there a proper way to remove it from the cob at the table?

GENTLE READER: What you need is a corn fork. This is a small, vicious instrument with tiny, triangular, bent tines that look like canine teeth sticking out to rip the kernels from the cob.

As Miss Manners has two of them, but no one else does, she will permit you to scrape the kernels off with a knife, preferably in the kitchen before dinner.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a young person with recurrent hip pain, and I have considered using a mobility aid -- namely, a walking cane. Since I am still young and live with my parents, I feel a bit uncomfortable at the idea of using a cane. My parents are the type to tell me to "walk it off," even though a cane would help me a great deal with my pain.

Do you have any suggestions for some words to use when bringing up the subject with my parents? Is "Hey, this thing helps me and I'd like to use it, even if you think it's only for the elderly" sufficient?

GENTLE READER: Actually, Miss Manners has two words for you: walking stick.

Time was when a walking stick was considered a chic accessory for both ladies and gentlemen, unrelated to any usefulness it might have provided. Take a look at antique sticks -- some have built-in compasses, flasks, watches, powder compacts or, if people get really annoying, swords. You could start a new fad.

Miss Manners is not encouraging you to attack your parents. But they do need a good talking-to about your mobility being more important than ridiculous -- not to mention ageist -- concerns about what others think.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When is the proper time to give a trunk party for a college student?

GENTLE READER: When his friends, who are probably also going off to college, and your friends, who are probably paying college tuition, beg you to allow them to help furnish his dormitory room.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my husband died after a long illness, I received many lovely notes. I answered them all. I was very touched by the kindness, and I felt it helped me recover from my sorrow.

When I hear of the passing of friends or their family members, I usually write to the survivors. Most write back. Some don't respond. What is the right response to a written letter of condolence?

GENTLE READER: Exactly what your instinct told you.

Miss Manners is aware that many feel it is a burden on the bereaved to have to acknowledge expressions of sympathy. In extreme cases of grief prostration, one of the Is-There-Anything-I-Can-Do? people can be deputized to convey the survivor's appreciation.

But it is important to acknowledge condolence letters. As you attest, it should be gratifying to know that others cared for the deceased and are sympathetic with the survivor. Writing back is a chance to represent your husband to them, in appreciation not only of their concern, but of what those people meant to him.

And ignoring them often has an unfortunate, unintended consequence. As Miss Manners has often heard from widows (never from widowers), they may be ignored socially after the first intense mourning period. This may be in part because those whose first overtures were ignored conclude that the widow wants to be left alone, and thus cease to importune her.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)