Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does one properly express condolences when you are told that a distant family member, who abused you and whom you loathe, has died?

"I'm sorry for your loss" seems wrong. I'm not.

"I hope he didn't suffer." That wouldn't be sincere; I kinda hope he did, a little. "Is there anything I can do?" Nope, the family was complicit in their denial of the abuse. I don't want to help them at all.

Silence isn't an option. It would be noticed and questioned and I would end up looking like an insensitive jerk. What to do?

GENTLE READER: Although she can help you, Miss Manners cautions against too much self-congratulation over your intention to be sincere. You want the words you speak to be true, but the impression you leave to be false -- namely that you are sensitive to their loss.

Very well: "Thank you for letting me know. I can only imagine how hard this must be for you. My condolences." Perhaps it would compromise you too much to offer your "deepest condolences."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband's dentist called, mumbled something about a dental practice, and asked, "Mr. Jones?"

Because I am female, and because I thought it was a telemarketer, I asked, "Do I sound like Mr. Jones?" and the lady said "Sorry" and hung up. When my husband got home, I told him what had happened and he called them back.

A few days later, they called again, asking for Joseph Jones. At least they asked for him by his full name this time, but again I thought it was a telemarketer, so I asked, "Who is calling?" before giving my husband the phone.

I told him later that they should really learn telephone etiquette, and he said "S'not my job." So I took it on myself and wrote them a letter explaining what had happened, and saying I hoped it was more helpful than rude.

However, when I gave the letter to my husband to proofread, he said not to send it, and that it was more rude than helpful.

Is he right? I don't expect them to write to Miss Manners anytime soon. But I'm not going to tell just anyone who calls, asking for my husband, whether he's home or not.

GENTLE READER: Difficult as it is to comment on your draft letter to the dentist without being allowed to read it, Miss Manners will try.

The dentist's office called and mistook you for him. When they received a sarcastic reply, they apologized and hung up (perhaps thinking they were being told your husband was not home?).

When they called back, they guessed at a different form of your husband's name that might be more acceptable than the one previously used. You asked who was calling, and they answered.

You have now drafted a letter to correct their manners. As Miss Manners has yet to hear any infraction of etiquette committed by anyone at the dentist's office -- and as correcting another person's manners (even a telemarketer's) is, itself, rude -- she will, barring further information, agree with your husband that the letter should not be sent.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: After enjoying a Thanksgiving meal at a restaurant, I was shocked to be scolded by my elderly and generally very well-mannered mother about the way I interact with waiters and others in service positions.

It has always seemed to me that the world could use a bit more kindness and respect, and people whose job it is to serve the public probably need more than most. Moreover, I have never seen the people working in service industries as in any way beneath me. I have great respect for anyone who is honest and hardworking.

So, I called the waiter "sir" when I needed his attention. I spoke to him in full sentences, made eye contact when addressing him, said "please," "thank you" and "if it is not too much trouble," knowing full well that it was his job to go to the trouble. At the end of the meal, I returned his cheerful wish that we have a nice holiday.

There were brief pleasantries, but no chatting about anything personal, and certainly no flirting.

Apparently, my mother feels that I am inappropriately treating waitstaff and salesclerks as if they were hosting me in their homes, rather than providing a paid service, that I am making them uncomfortable by blurring boundaries, and that I am wasting their time by using too many words.

If this is the case, I am missing it completely. I always seem to be given excellent service, and the service providers seem relaxed and pleasant enough. Is my mother correct that I am too polite in these circumstances?

GENTLE READER: The custom to which your mother is referring dates from when servants were considered robots. When Miss Manners once waited on a table at a charity event, then socialized with the guests afterwards, they repeated much of their dinner conversation -- imagining that she had not heard it when standing silently behind their chairs.

The presumption of invisibility is now recognized as rude. Even period dramas about aristocrats show them chatting with their domestic staff during dinner, which they would never have done.

If you were interfering with service or getting personal, your mother would be right to object. It is also patronizing to assume that waiters are available for friendship, much less flirting. But simple courtesy is always welcome.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it still considered vulgar to wear both gold and silver jewelry at the same time?

GENTLE READER: Please -- Miss Manners gets enough flak when she cites the rule against wearing major stones (other than marriage rings) in daylight.

Some people do not like to mix metals, but if you do, go right ahead.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The father of my daughter is engaged. At our daughter's birthday party, which I was hosting, his fiancee was introducing herself to my daughter's guests as her stepmom.

They are not married yet! Is this an acceptable way for her to introduce herself?

GENTLE READER: Is this an argument you want to have, when she presumably will be?

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend of mine is staying with me, and he went home for Thanksgiving, leaving his cat here. Well, I woke up the first morning after he left and the cat is gone.

It is common for us to leave the doors open during the day, but the cat has never run off until now. So what do I do? Do I call my friend and tell him over the phone? Or do I wait till he gets back, hoping the cat will return in the meantime? But if the cat doesn't return, will he be hurt that I didn't inform him right away?

GENTLE READER: Have you thought of something to say when your friend returns and says, "Thanks for taking care of Tinkerbell. I bet he'll be glad to see me. Where is he? Tinkerbell! I'm back! Tinkerbell, where are you? TINKERBELL!!!"

No?

Then Miss Manners suggests that you get busy putting up posters around the neighborhood. She will give you a day or two before confessing to your friend, on the grounds that you were hunting frantically, but after that you must break the sad news.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I were invited for Thanksgiving dinner at a new friend's home along with three other couples. We were asked to bring a dish to pass.

At the end of a delightful evening, we were asked to take home the leftover food we brought. We thought that was inappropriate and rude.

GENTLE READER: Funny -- the complaints that Miss Manners usually gets are from people whose leftovers were kept by the hosts. Or snatched by other guests.

For a holiday that is supposed to be associated with hospitality and inclusiveness, Thanksgiving apparently inspires a lot of unseemly squabbling.

Nor is it in keeping with the spirit of the occasion to assume that your hosts (who might have had an overstuffed kitchen) were just waiting until the end of the delightful meal for the chance to insult you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I had a party to celebrate a big anniversary. We asked that people not bring gifts, but someone gave us a very nice bottle of whiskey anyway.

The problem is that we don't drink, and neither do most of our friends.

Because it's such a nice bottle, I hate to see it go to waste. I suggested we thank the person, explain the issue, and give it back so someone else would be able to enjoy it.

My husband says that would be rude, so it's sitting in a cupboard. It will probably never be enjoyed unless we can find someone to regift it to, which may create a host of other problems.

GENTLE READER: Returning a present to the giver is unpleasant, so let's try to find it a home.

If you don't have friends who drink, how about a favorite restaurant? (Miss Manners is assuming that you are unlikely to have a favorite bar.)

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)