Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: After the easing of pandemic lockdowns, an old friend came over for dinner, just the two of us. It's been a long pandemic for all of us, but especially for her. She had to have all her shopping delivered, including groceries. She's not been out in literally years.

She asked if it was OK to bring her dog, which I agreed to. Her dog is not the problem. The problem is that after dinner, she went to use the washroom and the dog wished to come in there with her. It's a small bathroom, so my friend said she'd be leaving the door open so the dog could come in with her.

She left the door open each of the other three times she peed while she was at my home, whether or not the dog cared, and she didn't ask. And I could hear EVERYTHING.

Now she is hinting she'd like to go to a "fancy" restaurant with me. How, exactly, am I to word this without saying flat-out, "Nobody will be seen in public with you unless they're sure you won't pee with the door open"?

GENTLE READER: As brazen as this woman's behavior was, one cannot imagine that she plans to take her dog to a fancy restaurant. And it is the dog that seems to be the reason for her ... ahem ... open-door policy. But if you are worried, Miss Manners suggests that you politely warn her, "Oh, I don't think Chez Hughes allows dogs. And I'm pretty sure their bathrooms lock behind them. I hope that that will still work for you."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently had a falling-out with "Terrence," whom I've known for a long time. Normally, I wouldn't mention the dispute to anyone else, but I'm pretty sure Terrence has been invited to a mutual friend's wedding, which I'll be attending with my wife. There's a good chance we will be seated at the same table, which would be awkward.

May I contact the mutual friend and request that, if possible, she seat Terrence and me at different tables? I don't want to drag her into this, and I recognize she has a lot on her plate, but it might be an easy thing to accomplish.

GENTLE READER: Yes, but you also do not want the mutual friend reporting back to Terrence that you requested the change. Are there other friends with whom you can request to be seated without causing suspicion? As long as you tread carefully and respectfully, Miss Manners will allow asking: "I'm sure that you've already put a lot of thought into your seating plan, but it would be wonderful to catch up with the Waltons. Do you have us all seated anywhere yet?"

If it is indeed too late and you find yourself seated next to Terrence, perhaps you can find a subtle way of moving your chair by saying, "We see one another all the time; do you mind switching seats? Hi, my name is ..."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a widow who remarried a few years ago. My husband is a tall, handsome professional. My brother's wife, who is slightly younger than I, likes to get attention from any men around and, it seems, has set her sights on my new husband.

On several occasions, when she is annoyed at my brother, my sister-in-law has remarked that she will "go sit with," "go be with" or "ride home with" my husband because "he will have me." It makes it very awkward for my husband, my brother and me.

I am insulted both on my brother's behalf and at her insinuation that my husband is somehow available. Could you suggest a humorous but pointed remark that will quash this behavior and not cause too much embarrassment all around?

GENTLE READER: "Oh, ha ha, he's not getting in the middle of this. Come, dear, let me recuse you and let these two work things out on their own."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am an artisan who makes my living exhibiting at craft fairs, and I enjoy it very much. However, sometimes collectors seem to think they have developed a close connection with me once they buy my work. These (rare, but troublesome) people will ask me to dinner, give me life advice, want to talk on the phone, and generally push for more friendship than I would like to offer.

I have a tough time putting these people off, because they are collectors of my artwork. Also, it is flattering that I seem so interesting to them.

Do you have any suggestions for how to cultivate an "air of reserve and mystery" and discourage excessive friendliness, while still being a good salesperson?

GENTLE READER: Small talk should be just that: small, and only relevant to the business at hand. Inquiries into your personal life should be met with short answers and quickly redirected to the work and the exhibition.

But Miss Manners has noticed that you are not alone in finding it difficult to distinguish between business and personal life. You have an advantage that many do not, however, which is a work location different from your home. Establishing a business-only email and phone number might be wise. That way, if personal talk or too-familiar requests begin to intrude, you may politely say, "This line (or inbox) is for work. Is there something art-related that I can answer for you?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A birthday boy asked me for a gift card as his birthday present. I got him the gift card. A day later, he asked me for the receipt. Should I give him the receipt? I think this is tactless and unkind when I shopped for what he asked for.

GENTLE READER: Is it possible he cannot figure out how much it is worth? Usually the amount is displayed somewhere, but perhaps this one's is missing. If you think this might be the case and the boy is not old or clever enough to look it up himself, you might indulge him by telling him the amount. But if you suspect that this is a plot to return it for the money, Miss Manners gives you permission to decline the request. There are only so many demands one can accommodate when it comes to present giving. And this boy has already exceeded it by two.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have gotten texts from people asking me to call them when I have the time. I know that these people genuinely think they are being helpful and do not want to bother me when I am busy.

However, I do not see it this way. I think if a person wants to speak with me, they should call. If I am available, I will answer. If not, they can leave a message and I will call them back. The text method feels like they are putting the burden of initiating the call on me, when they are the ones who want to speak with me.

Am I justified in this point of view, or am I way off base?

GENTLE READER: Emotionally, your reaction is understandable. You feel that the texters have assigned you homework, while your reaction to the message-leavers is ameliorated by regret that you were unavailable when they wanted to speak with you.

Miss Manners says this as a gentle preface to pointing out that, for the reasons you gave, the text is less intrusive -- and therefore more respectful -- than barging in on someone, assuming constant availability.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have two young kids. For their birthdays and Christmas over the past few years, my sister-in-law has been giving my kids used/outgrown toys and clothes from her daughter, who is older than my kids.

She is not struggling financially. Is it acceptable to give hand-me-downs as gifts?

GENTLE READER: Strictly speaking, hand-me-downs are gifts, even if the expectation is that they will be passed to the cousins on the other side after use, laundering and folding.

But what level of gift? Miss Manners recognizes she is unusual in valuing a gift by the thought and effort of the gift-giver, not its resale value. But under either standard, hand-me-downs are not generally as meaningful a gift as might be expected for a birthday or holiday.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I were waiting in an airport lounge before an early morning flight. It was a quiet crowd. A man in his 40s answered a call from his lawyer on his cellphone, then proceeded to loudly rant and rave about his ex-wife and their custody battle.

Five of us around him got up and moved after 10 minutes. My husband stayed for a few more minutes and politely told the gentleman that taking a private call interrupted everyone's calm, and maybe next time he could take the call away from others. The man sneered at my husband and continued the call.

What else could we have done?

GENTLE READER: Stronger measures are necessary when communicating with someone who has just learned that the ex-wife is demanding the sports car as well as the children: "Sir, excuse me for interrupting, but you might not want everyone in the lounge to hear that you are hiding money in your Aruba account."

Miss Manners is borrowing the Caribbean island for an example, not a metaphor: The effect you are going for is fear, so you will want to include something you actually overheard.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)