DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I both work, and we have school-aged children involved in various activities. There are times when we go several days seeing each other only in bits and pieces of time. It is hectic, but we love it!

We also have a lot of extended family who live in other states. It is very hard to find a time when we can visit them, which is unfortunate. When they come here, they always want visits to last for several days to make it worth the trip. We only stay a night or two when we visit them.

I don't know how to politely decline offers to visit us. If we tell them a time is not good because of other obligations, they will say things like, "You don't have to entertain us!" or "I won't be in the way, I promise!"

We have tried letting it happen, but there are always requests for us to change our schedule because they had traveled so far. Sometimes we do, and then the kids get annoyed that they are missing their activities. During things we can't skip, we end up having people just sitting in our house without us, watching HGTV for hours while we're at school or work.

Is there a polite way to say, "Actually, you ARE in the way"?

GENTLE READER: The drama of your phrasing notwithstanding, Miss Manners infers that you are seeking a solution for the larger dilemma, not a way to further insult your guests: Metaphorically speaking, you would prefer to avoid the fiery crash altogether, rather than learn what to do after the collision.

Sensible people, like defensive drivers, avoid predictable hazards. Your relatives promised not to be any trouble, only to later swerve into expecting you to play host. You did not believe them when they said it, but it does not excuse your being an absent host.

You did not have to invite them to stay, but, once you did, etiquette required that you clear some time for them. More generally, if you never slow down, you cannot really expect to take in any of the sights -- meaning, have an actual relationship with your relatives.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I get numerous calls on my personal cellphone, and often am not available to answer. If someone in my contact list calls me and I do not answer, should I call them back, even if they do not leave me a message asking me to do so?

GENTLE READER: Not knowing who called or how you feel about speaking with them, Miss Manners cannot say if you should call them back, only that etiquette does not require that you do so.

She is aware of the argument that this is inefficient. But she suspects that those making it are more concerned with the few seconds they will spend explaining themselves to your voicemail than with the time the recipient will lose deciding whether the call was pressing or of the I-was-in-the-car-and-had-time-to-kill variety.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am an attorney for whom writing was a well-honed craft for 30 years. I am now retired and enjoy commenting on stories in the newspapers.

My comments are not shoot-from-the-hip affairs. Rather, I carefully craft and refine them to make sure they are insightful, pithy and have the perfect comedic ratio. I place a premium on economy and cleverness.

So it chaps my proverbial hide when people reply to my comments in ways that not only do not enhance or improve but, by their pedestrian nature, actually detract from the feng shui of my thoughtfully crafted comment. I am tempted to respond, "If you don't have anything clever to say, don't say anything at all." What do you think?

GENTLE READER: You will forgive Miss Manners for smiling sadly at the idea that you or she can reform public discourse.

The ability to criticize others instantly and anonymously does not bring out the best in the public. So perhaps that is not the place to look for careful writing or thought.

Still, she admires your setting an example, and only quarrels with your temptation to snap back. Isn't facile public taunting what you oppose?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do I politely tell people, in a note in this year's Christmas cards, that I will not be sending cards after this year? I make my own cards, and the cost, time and effort are just too much.

GENTLE READER: "Sending you this card was a strain on my finances, schedule and strength. So Merry Christmas for the last time."

That, in effect, is what you would be saying, however it was worded. Next year, do as you like -- send cheaper and easier greetings or none at all. But Miss Manners does not condone negative courtesies.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a polite way to encourage those who would normally give you gifts at the holidays to give to a charity instead?

I've assembled the list of charities that I plan to give to this year, and I would much prefer that my friends and family give to one of these, or one of their own choosing, than to purchase something for me. I haven't been able to come up with a way of expressing my wishes without sounding like I'm presuming that I'll get a gift.

If it makes any difference, I generally only exchange gifts with my very closest friends and immediate family.

GENTLE READER: It seems like a noble gesture -- thinking of charities instead of oneself. Bridal couples and those celebrating birthdays have been known to suggest this to those from whom they expect presents.

The problem Miss Manners has with this is that they are being noble with money that does not belong to them. Even when presents are expected, giving them is still voluntary -- as is selecting them, despite all those registries and wish lists.

What you can suggest to your intimates is, "Let's all give to charity instead of exchanging presents."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When a grown child who has moved out of their childhood home returns to visit, how much are they considered a "guest" and how much should they be expected to pitch in to the daily tasks of running a household?

GENTLE READER: Yes, you can tell your adult child to clean up that mess.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have the opposite problem from most of your readers: Mine involves people who are too nice.

Most of my husband's family members have been taught that you shouldn't be honest if it could hurt someone's feelings. They go out of their way to avoid being critical, always saying that something was good even when it wasn't. But many of them also insist on going the extra mile, saying things like, "Oh my, this is the best ____ I've ever had!"

This wouldn't bother me were it not for all of the extra work it creates at holidays and get-togethers. Every Thanksgiving, I prepare 9-by-13-inch dishes of green bean and sweet potato casseroles -- fully homemade, no canned cream-of-whatever soup, using recipes that are labor-intensive -- and everyone tells me they are the best thing ever. Yet only about a 2-inch square section is taken from each by the end of dinner.

When it comes time to take leftovers home, everyone takes big piles of turkey, potatoes and stuffing, but insists that these other dishes are so good they wouldn't want to deprive me of the leftovers.

The few times I have indicated that I don't intend to make them, I am reprimanded -- mostly by my husband -- about how it will ruin the whole holiday if I don't make them. How can I resolve this? I would prefer to find a way to get folks to admit that things aren't to their liking, but I'm not sure how to make that happen.

GENTLE READER: Telling people to stop being nice is not in Miss Manners' job description. Be wary of what you might unleash by asking people to express their unvarnished criticisms.

Just say "thank you" and make smaller casseroles. Better yet, tell your husband that if he and his family like them so much, you will be happy to teach him how to make it for Christmas.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter informs me that after a couple marries, they are required to spend every Christmas with the groom's family, rather than alternating, as was the practice before the wedding.

Is this an American tradition -- or any, for that matter? I am not familiar with this "requirement."

GENTLE READER: Neither is anyone else, except your daughter's in-laws.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm dreading it already: the post-holiday pause after the new year, when everyone resumes their routines. The chirpy inquiries from co-workers, acquaintances, neighbors, etc., asking how my Christmas was.

Here's how my Christmas went: My father died at Christmas dinner. It was not a good Christmas, and I don't want to pretend that it was.

I know people mean well and the general inquiry is not aimed at making me miserable. How do I respond without making anybody feel awkward?

GENTLE READER: "First tell me about yours."

Miss Manners promises that by the time they finish telling you about their holiday, they will have forgotten tactfully introducing the subject by asking about yours.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)