Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I were housesitting for friends in a town that was a short drive from his sister, "Lacey," and brother-in-law, "Tuck." We invited them to come over for dinner one evening, which they did. I didn't know them well, although I had heard that Tuck was volatile and argumentative.

After dinner, everyone wanted to play pool, and my husband said we could clean up the kitchen after we played. During the game, Tuck started calling Lacey an idiot, then it grew worse as he swore at her and used obscenities. Lacey yelled and argued right back, and I got the impression that this was just how they related to each other.

I couldn't take it anymore, so I said I was going to clean up the kitchen and I left the game. I didn't say anything about them, just that I was going to take care of the dishes.

My husband came into the kitchen a few minutes later and told me that Lacey and Tuck said it was rude of me to leave the game. He thought I should go back. I refused because their behavior was upsetting, and I would rather wash dishes by myself than endure that atmosphere.

Was I rude to leave? How should I have handled this?

GENTLE READER: Just because that is the way that this couple normally relates does not mean that others should have to witness it.

Miss Manners wholeheartedly defends your behavior. If Tuck and Lacey wanted to confront you themselves (as that seems to be their proclivity), you could have said, "It seemed as if this was a personal matter and I wanted to give you two some privacy."

That your husband felt no such compulsion -- and viewed this behavior as normal -- is more worrisome.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are at the age where we are going to more funerals than weddings. The last one we attended, I wore a knee-length black skirt, a black-and-white blouse and some kitten-heeled red shoes for a pop of color. My husband wore nice leather shoes, khakis and a tucked-in blue button-down shirt.

We were some of the nicest-dressed people in attendance. Many people were in capris, tennis shoes, jeans, flowered sandals, even a halter mini dress.

My husband chastised me for the red shoes. Once and for all, what is proper funeral attire, since what we are doing is celebrating the life of the deceased?

GENTLE READER: It is endlessly confusing to Miss Manners that at what is the most formal and solemn of occasions, people consider it too fussy to dress up and too depressing to wear black. The only place it is still done is on screen -- where elaborately chic hats, veils and suits are almost as ubiquitous at funerals as the too-on-the-nose pouring rain.

She assures you that dark (black, navy or gray) formal clothes are proper. And that if your husband is going to chastise you for red shoes, he should at least have the decency not to wear blue and tan himself.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a manager at my office, and two of my employees are about to leave the company. One is doing so for circumstances involving family and location, but the other is leaving because of their widely expressed dissatisfaction with the company.

I am at a loss as to whether, or how, to mark the departures and celebrate the employees who are leaving, and I want to do the right thing. It seems easy to have a small party for the one leaving on better terms, but for the other employee, given the circumstances, it seems false.

To do nothing feels wrong, but so does celebrating one but not the other. How can I manage this and set a positive tone without hard feelings for our division?

GENTLE READER: If you think having to be polite at the going-away party for a voluntarily departing employee puts you in a false position, Miss Manners worries what will happen when you have to tell your valued assistant that the company cannot afford to give him a raise.

Congratulate yourself that the timing makes it possible to throw one party for both employees. And smile, remembering that one burden, at least, is leaving at the end of the day.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our niece takes offense when she gets wedding invitations that state "No children." She has four who cause havoc and always have: fingers in wedding cakes, poor manners (i.e., "I'm not eating that gross food! It looks like vomit") -- you get the message.

They are ages 15 to 9. Their parents ignore them at these events except to take hundreds of photos to post. They keep dragging those kids to adult-only functions, where they commandeer a table by removing place cards. What can we do?

GENTLE READER: If you are the host, Miss Manners suggests some advance tactical planning, such as hiring a babysitter and designating a room for the kids. If you are a guest, she suggests avoiding eating the cake.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a nice club restaurant, another couple invited my husband and me to sit with them for lunch. We had not dined with these people before. The three of them ordered the special, which was easily eaten with a fork. I ordered the barbecue ribs, which are usually messy finger food.

Later, my husband said I embarrassed him because of the mess. Was ordering such food inappropriate, or was my husband overly sensitive?

GENTLE READER: At the risk of offending the Just Let Me Be Me crowd, Miss Manners has to agree that some foods are better saved for family and friends than worn -- er, eaten -- in more formal settings.

As defining that category will depend on the dexterity of the user -- and as she did not see this meal's mess -- you and your husband will have to come to some agreement in your particular case.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A lady who was a chat-on-the-phone acquaintance during COVID takes up too much of our time, now that many restrictions have been lifted.

This remarkably active and youthful octogenarian phones us every couple of days, always wanting my husband and me to join her and another friend for meals out and visits in our house. While she is bright and entertaining, she likes an audience, and hogs every conversation. She also gossips, though not maliciously.

My husband finds it exhausting. We are about 15 years younger than she is, and we treasure our time alone together. We have interests she doesn't share, plus a few other friends with whom we want to spend time. My interests are in the arts, and although I don't have to meet deadlines, I work on my current project every day.

We were out of town recently because of a death in the family, and returned home exhausted and weepy. This woman phoned us the very next day, wanting me to discuss our loss and to arrange the next outing.

We don't want to stop seeing her entirely, but a get-together once every couple of weeks, and perhaps a weekly phone call, would be enough. I hate to hurt her feelings.

We've made a variety of excuses. We have also told her (honestly) that we can't eat out as often as she would like, for financial and health reasons. She doesn't take the hint. How can we get through to her in a nice way?

GENTLE READER: There is no rule that you have to pick up the phone every time it rings. Nor that every message must be returned within three hours. Nor that get-togethers be planned no more than 72 hours in advance.

As you do like this person, Miss Manners is not suggesting you abuse any of these ploys. But a judicious use of all three cannot help but create the space you want.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Earlier this year, my sister-in-law's father died. My brother told me that the funeral would be private and, since they live out of state, I sent a sympathy arrangement to their home.

Months later, I received a photo card announcing a celebration of the life of this man, with a note attached that read "FYI only." My sister-in-law followed that up with a text message, saying, "Sent you the invite for my dad's celebration of life just for FYI. You are not really invited, sorry."

To which I replied: "Gee, thanks." Living several states away, I would not be attending anyway, but if they were afraid I would accept, why was I sent this?

GENTLE READER: Why indeed? Miss Manners agrees that your sister-in-law's behavior was rude, but she would be more concerned about why she thinks you need information on how to arrange a funeral. And, given the seriousness of the subject, she would not have made your reply, even if the intent was to be lighthearted.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)