DEAR MISS MANNERS: Three years ago, I adopted a vegan lifestyle; my husband did not, but we've found a way to peacefully coexist. His family knows of the changes in my diet, yet they persist in sending us food gifts I cannot consume.

I've made sure my husband thanks them for these gifts, but I have remained mute about them. I'm a prodigious thank-you note writer, even when I receive something I cannot use or don't like. Should I be thanking the in-laws for the food I can't eat? If so, what should I say?

GENTLE READER: Whether their motive is to taunt you, or merely to give your husband a treat they believe he would not otherwise get, Miss Manners advises you not to acknowledge the challenge. You do not even have to acknowledge the present -- your husband properly does so, as it seems to be intended for him alone.

But perhaps you feel you must address their having "included" you in the gift. In that case, you would write, "Connor asked me to thank you for sending him the side of beef. We both wish you a very happy New Year."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What does "Creative Formal" mean on a New Year's Eve party invitation?

GENTLE READER: Probably what we used to mean by "trying too hard."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have hosted a Christmas morning brunch for friends and family for the last 15 years or so. It is my gift back to friends and family for all their support and friendships. Most guests bring a small hostess gift such as a bottle of wine or a candle.

This year, a longtime participant/guest left an envelope with cash, and not an insignificant amount. I am in a quandary as to how to respond, as I feel that cash is not an appropriate hostess gift. Frankly, it makes me uncomfortable.

One thought is giving the money to a charity and letting the guest know I have done so in their name. I would add that the pleasure of their company is all I require for brunch. Suggestions?

GENTLE READER: Money is so often substituted for presents these days that your guest may not realize how insulting it is to treat your hospitality as a commercial venture. Nevertheless, you should not accept this premise.

Donating the money, laudable as that may be, does not make the point; it only accepts the idea that the payment is legitimate, and that you can use it as you choose. Miss Manners advises you to return it with the explanation that you cannot accept the money, as this person was your guest.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Suppose a person verbally expresses how much they like a gift, how they will enjoy using it, etc., but never actually says the words "thank you." Is this considered inappropriate?

GENTLE READER: When the intent is obviously to convey the essence of gratitude, rather than the formula? No, it is not wrong. However, Miss Manners does consider it unseemly to invent technical reasons to quarrel with expressions of goodwill.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Some months ago, we invited my colleague X to our wedding. I have never been very close with X, but several others at my job are, so X got an invite. That was our first mistake.

Since that time, X had an altercation on the job that resulted in termination. Being very vocal and dramatic, X is now taking legal action. No one at work, least of all myself, supported X's position. Now, several guests have expressed discomfort at attending my wedding if X will be present, and they are considering backing out.

It seems I have three options to avoid drama -- at least at the wedding. 1. Uninvite X, though I see no way that etiquette provides for this; 2. Send X a polite missive allowing a graceful exit, with perhaps a veiled warning about topics to be avoided should X still decide to attend; and 3. Place X at a table distant from anyone from the workplace and hope for the best. Thoughts?

GENTLE READER: Option 3. And Miss Manners suggests the children's table, where X's drama and potential altercations will be met in kind.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We were invited to a party personally over the phone, then we were told not to come by the same person (again over the phone).

Is this ever OK? No, nothing nefarious happened between these phone calls.

GENTLE READER: Did something nefarious happen to the hosts? This would be the only polite reason for canceling on you: if they were unable to hold the party at all.

A second explanation might be a change in their requirements for admittance. New COVID-19 variants or safety recommendations might cause them to disinvite guests who do not meet the criteria. Either way, it should be clearly, politely and equitably communicated.

Do not, Miss Manners warns, confuse this with the rule about guests not needing an excuse for declining invitations in advance. Hosts are certainly required to give one for rescinding after the fact -- and a good one, at that.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I were housesitting for friends in a town that was a short drive from his sister, "Lacey," and brother-in-law, "Tuck." We invited them to come over for dinner one evening, which they did. I didn't know them well, although I had heard that Tuck was volatile and argumentative.

After dinner, everyone wanted to play pool, and my husband said we could clean up the kitchen after we played. During the game, Tuck started calling Lacey an idiot, then it grew worse as he swore at her and used obscenities. Lacey yelled and argued right back, and I got the impression that this was just how they related to each other.

I couldn't take it anymore, so I said I was going to clean up the kitchen and I left the game. I didn't say anything about them, just that I was going to take care of the dishes.

My husband came into the kitchen a few minutes later and told me that Lacey and Tuck said it was rude of me to leave the game. He thought I should go back. I refused because their behavior was upsetting, and I would rather wash dishes by myself than endure that atmosphere.

Was I rude to leave? How should I have handled this?

GENTLE READER: Just because that is the way that this couple normally relates does not mean that others should have to witness it.

Miss Manners wholeheartedly defends your behavior. If Tuck and Lacey wanted to confront you themselves (as that seems to be their proclivity), you could have said, "It seemed as if this was a personal matter and I wanted to give you two some privacy."

That your husband felt no such compulsion -- and viewed this behavior as normal -- is more worrisome.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are at the age where we are going to more funerals than weddings. The last one we attended, I wore a knee-length black skirt, a black-and-white blouse and some kitten-heeled red shoes for a pop of color. My husband wore nice leather shoes, khakis and a tucked-in blue button-down shirt.

We were some of the nicest-dressed people in attendance. Many people were in capris, tennis shoes, jeans, flowered sandals, even a halter mini dress.

My husband chastised me for the red shoes. Once and for all, what is proper funeral attire, since what we are doing is celebrating the life of the deceased?

GENTLE READER: It is endlessly confusing to Miss Manners that at what is the most formal and solemn of occasions, people consider it too fussy to dress up and too depressing to wear black. The only place it is still done is on screen -- where elaborately chic hats, veils and suits are almost as ubiquitous at funerals as the too-on-the-nose pouring rain.

She assures you that dark (black, navy or gray) formal clothes are proper. And that if your husband is going to chastise you for red shoes, he should at least have the decency not to wear blue and tan himself.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)