DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother has a substance abuse disorder and a severe untreated mental illness. Several years ago, I cut ties with her due to the chaos and hurt she brought to my life. This was a painful decision, and not one I made lightly, but I stand by it and have learned to live with it.

Growing up, I was very close with her sister, my aunt. She has always been extremely loving and supportive to me. However, every time we meet lately, my aunt insists on bringing up my mother's latest whereabouts and scandalous doings (as gleaned from social media, which I am not on), as a point of ridicule or gossip in an otherwise pleasant conversation.

Life is short, and I don't want to alienate my beloved aunt. I am looking for a polite but firm way to shut down these painful discussions without spoiling a rare visit with my aunt or coming across as rude.

GENTLE READER: Etiquette prefers an indirect approach when it avoids giving offense, or when it is more likely to succeed than brute force. In consequence, people who are indifferent to harm accuse those with good manners of being insufficiently honest.

Your case shows the injustice of such accusations. Tell your aunt that your break with your mother, though necessary, is still a painful topic, and that you would rather discuss almost anything else. Given your history, there is no reason to think she will not comply.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I think I must be WAY out of date in my expectations of professionalism: When I interact with city agencies, attorneys and other supposedly professional people, I expect to receive a response to emails and voice messages.

Having my communications completely ignored and never responded to is increasingly the norm. I'm wondering when it became a common professional behavior just to ignore business inquiries.

GENTLE READER: June 1, 1982.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper thing to say when someone tells you they are getting divorced, if you do not know whether they are relieved or devastated by the divorce?

GENTLE READER: A neutral "I'm sorry to hear that" is the correct response. Even if the speaker desperately wants out of their marriage, the process itself is unlikely to be pleasant -- allowing you to be sorry that the person has to go through it.

Miss Manners realizes this will not prevent the soon-to-be-divorcee from explaining in detail why the divorce comes as such a relief, but, unless you are prepared to run as far and as fast as you can, you were never going to avoid that.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are expecting guests whose house, when we last visited them, was unclean and had cockroaches. I am worried about them occupying our guest room with their dirty suitcases and such.

Is there a gentle, friendly way to let them know we are worried about bugs coming into our home?

GENTLE READER: There is no delicate way to raise the subject directly. The best Miss Manners can suggest is that, since the guest room is so small (its actual size is immaterial), you move the suitcases to the garage after they have unpacked. Or take your guests swimming before dinner.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In the days when human beings sorted the mail and students were taught to write in beautiful script, a hand-addressed envelope was correct.

But now the beleaguered post office depends on computers to read the addresses. I would prefer to receive a "thank you" note with a computer-generated label than to have it sent to the wrong address because the computer could not read the chicken scratches on the envelope.

This point of etiquette must change. Typed or computer-printed addresses are now the kindest, and the preference of the U.S. Postal Service. If the address is handwritten, some have suggested that the words be printed, not written in longhand, and that only capital letters be used.

GENTLE READER: Even Miss Manners cannot dispute the need for an address to be legible to those responsible for delivering it. The Postal Service does still accept handwritten envelopes, but she sadly acknowledges that this will probably not last -- especially as handwriting is rarely taught properly, or at all.

Personally, she will continue to address letters by hand as long as the service will tolerate it. Knowing the pleasure of a rare letter that is not computer-generated, she hopes those who are able will at least not extend the efficiency argument to anything personal that the envelope contains.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: It strikes me as unseemly when people applaud at the kiss during wedding ceremonies. When I watch old movies, I never see that happen. It appears to have started sometime in the '80s or '90s. Applause seems more suited to a performance than to a ceremony.

Am I mistaken that this is a new pattern? Or have people always applauded the kiss in a wedding?

GENTLE READER: No, it only dates from when couples stopped considering their weddings to be serious ceremonies and started thinking of them as opportunities to put on a show starring themselves and done in front of an audience.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My fiancee and I each received an emailed invitation for a New Year's Day brunch at her parents' home. We received this on Dec. 16. We live across the country from her parents and are visiting them for Christmas, from Dec. 22 to Dec. 27.

Given the short time frame and the fact that we are already spending a decent amount of time around the holidays with them, this strikes me as odd. I thought that the e-vite was rude, but my fiancee disagrees. I do not generally receive invitations from family or friends in other parts of the country unless they know that I will be in the area around that time, or that I am considering doing so.

GENTLE READER: You should let this one go. Your fiancee, who presumably can judge her parents' intentions, has told you that they meant well.

Miss Manners doesn't even know your in-laws, but she can think of benign reasons for their invitation: to show you that you would be welcome if you changed your travel arrangements, or to consider you welcome at any family occasion.

In any case, invitations -- unless they are to "go to the devil" -- are not insults.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Three years ago, I adopted a vegan lifestyle; my husband did not, but we've found a way to peacefully coexist. His family knows of the changes in my diet, yet they persist in sending us food gifts I cannot consume.

I've made sure my husband thanks them for these gifts, but I have remained mute about them. I'm a prodigious thank-you note writer, even when I receive something I cannot use or don't like. Should I be thanking the in-laws for the food I can't eat? If so, what should I say?

GENTLE READER: Whether their motive is to taunt you, or merely to give your husband a treat they believe he would not otherwise get, Miss Manners advises you not to acknowledge the challenge. You do not even have to acknowledge the present -- your husband properly does so, as it seems to be intended for him alone.

But perhaps you feel you must address their having "included" you in the gift. In that case, you would write, "Connor asked me to thank you for sending him the side of beef. We both wish you a very happy New Year."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What does "Creative Formal" mean on a New Year's Eve party invitation?

GENTLE READER: Probably what we used to mean by "trying too hard."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have hosted a Christmas morning brunch for friends and family for the last 15 years or so. It is my gift back to friends and family for all their support and friendships. Most guests bring a small hostess gift such as a bottle of wine or a candle.

This year, a longtime participant/guest left an envelope with cash, and not an insignificant amount. I am in a quandary as to how to respond, as I feel that cash is not an appropriate hostess gift. Frankly, it makes me uncomfortable.

One thought is giving the money to a charity and letting the guest know I have done so in their name. I would add that the pleasure of their company is all I require for brunch. Suggestions?

GENTLE READER: Money is so often substituted for presents these days that your guest may not realize how insulting it is to treat your hospitality as a commercial venture. Nevertheless, you should not accept this premise.

Donating the money, laudable as that may be, does not make the point; it only accepts the idea that the payment is legitimate, and that you can use it as you choose. Miss Manners advises you to return it with the explanation that you cannot accept the money, as this person was your guest.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Suppose a person verbally expresses how much they like a gift, how they will enjoy using it, etc., but never actually says the words "thank you." Is this considered inappropriate?

GENTLE READER: When the intent is obviously to convey the essence of gratitude, rather than the formula? No, it is not wrong. However, Miss Manners does consider it unseemly to invent technical reasons to quarrel with expressions of goodwill.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)