Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In our neighborhood, my wife and I are one of a group of friends and couples who often get together for friendly gatherings and such. Many of us have kids of the same age, so it isn't unusual for us to get together on the weekend for birthdays or just for impromptu happy hour drinks in a driveway while our children play.

Lately, though, one of my neighbors has been putting me off.

Often, when people are conversing in groups, they will form a circle or semicircle. More than once, when this particular neighbor is standing next to me in one of these semicircles, he will step out in front of me, effectively blocking me from the group. I am then in the position of having to step over to the side of him so that people can see me and I can engage in conversation again.

This is not a guy whom I find generally boorish, but this behavior seems incredibly rude and disrespectful to me. I think he is probably doing this subconsciously, but I feel like I need to bring it to his attention the next time it happens and make it known that I don't appreciate him blocking me out.

How do you suggest I approach this situation without causing a scene?

GENTLE READER: "Bart," said teasingly, "are you acting as my bodyguard tonight? I assure you that I can defend myself if our argument about farmers markets reaches a fever pitch."

Presumably Bart will then realize his awkward position, and move. If he does not, Miss Manners permits you to repeat the admonishment with ever so slight increments of annoyance.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently got married for the second time, and have moved two hours away from my hometown and everyone I know. Our marriage is great, but there is a woman in my husband's friend group -- which consists of his friends and their wives or girlfriends -- who is a problem.

This woman acts like she just loves everyone, and calls me beautiful when we see each other, but I can tell she's so fake! For a THIRD time, she has posted "memories" photos on social media that show my husband with his ex-girlfriend of six years.

I don't want to seem petty or jealous, but I talked to my mom and my best friend about it, and they agree it's very rude and hurtful. Can I please have your opinion?

GENTLE READER: This woman clearly learned a lot in high school. And much like it was there, the only way to shut down such behavior is to ignore it. Miss Manners would think it particularly easy to ignore social media posts.

But if you simply cannot, perhaps you can say, "You must have been so close to Carrie. I see her on your social media all of the time. Tell me, what is the special connection?" At the very least, this woman will have to explain her seeming obsession with posting these old photos.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do you respond when someone apologizes for a habitual offense?

My husband often behaves miserably at events that have more interest for me than for him. He destroyed a recent weekend getaway with my extended family by being argumentative, critical and moody. As we were nearing home, he apologized for being grumpy.

I had no idea how to respond. He is moody very often, and his behavior was not OK.

GENTLE READER: Your husband is, Miss Manners hopes, habitually apologizing for specific similar offenses. But he is not apologizing once for them all -- a more-than-semantic distinction, as the latter might cover as-yet-uncommitted transgressions.

And this is the point.

After graciously accepting multiple apologies, no husband would be surprised that any wife would say, "Thank you for apologizing, dear. But you must be as tired of doing that as I am of it being necessary. What can we do to ensure it doesn't happen again?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A small college is in my will as a beneficiary, and the planned gift it would receive one day could conceivably be hundreds of thousands of dollars.

When the college's president was in town on a fundraising trip, he contacted me to see if we could meet for coffee or a meal. Since I know budgets are tight at his institution, I insisted he be my guest for dinner at a lovely, and not inexpensive, restaurant.

It's been nearly two weeks since we met, and I have yet to receive a thank-you note, email or text. I know everyone is busy, but are business thank-you notes now optional?

GENTLE READER: They are not optional, a fact Miss Manners is surprised that someone expecting something (your college president) forgot.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We live in a popular vacation area and often host friends and family for long weekends and even full-week stays. We're often asked to accommodate additional guests, and sometimes even animals.

We have plenty of room, so that's not the issue; we really just don't want to. I've answered "sorry, no" with a smile, but have never done so without repeated challenges -- being asked why, or having to rebut a series of "but this is how it could work" arguments.

I can stick with "sorry, no," for about a half-dozen responses, but eventually end up telling them my reasons: I don't enjoy being in that person's company for more than two hours; I don't enjoy hosting people I barely know; your untrained dog pees in my house -- and yes, I care more about my rugs than your dog being kenneled.

I have even told someone who explained that they had already issued the extended invitation that rescinding it was going to be awkward and uncomfortable for them. And "sorry, no" comes across as rude after the second or third time.

I know I'm failing in the politeness area, but I'm at a loss as to how to do better.

GENTLE READER: Not taking "no" for an answer is rude; repeating "I'm sorry, but we just can't" in the face of such pestering is, emphatically, not. Unless, of course, you insult their dog.

If you will settle in for repeating yourself, and stop confessing unpleasant truths, Miss Manners will support you against your assailants.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother has a substance abuse disorder and a severe untreated mental illness. Several years ago, I cut ties with her due to the chaos and hurt she brought to my life. This was a painful decision, and not one I made lightly, but I stand by it and have learned to live with it.

Growing up, I was very close with her sister, my aunt. She has always been extremely loving and supportive to me. However, every time we meet lately, my aunt insists on bringing up my mother's latest whereabouts and scandalous doings (as gleaned from social media, which I am not on), as a point of ridicule or gossip in an otherwise pleasant conversation.

Life is short, and I don't want to alienate my beloved aunt. I am looking for a polite but firm way to shut down these painful discussions without spoiling a rare visit with my aunt or coming across as rude.

GENTLE READER: Etiquette prefers an indirect approach when it avoids giving offense, or when it is more likely to succeed than brute force. In consequence, people who are indifferent to harm accuse those with good manners of being insufficiently honest.

Your case shows the injustice of such accusations. Tell your aunt that your break with your mother, though necessary, is still a painful topic, and that you would rather discuss almost anything else. Given your history, there is no reason to think she will not comply.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I think I must be WAY out of date in my expectations of professionalism: When I interact with city agencies, attorneys and other supposedly professional people, I expect to receive a response to emails and voice messages.

Having my communications completely ignored and never responded to is increasingly the norm. I'm wondering when it became a common professional behavior just to ignore business inquiries.

GENTLE READER: June 1, 1982.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper thing to say when someone tells you they are getting divorced, if you do not know whether they are relieved or devastated by the divorce?

GENTLE READER: A neutral "I'm sorry to hear that" is the correct response. Even if the speaker desperately wants out of their marriage, the process itself is unlikely to be pleasant -- allowing you to be sorry that the person has to go through it.

Miss Manners realizes this will not prevent the soon-to-be-divorcee from explaining in detail why the divorce comes as such a relief, but, unless you are prepared to run as far and as fast as you can, you were never going to avoid that.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are expecting guests whose house, when we last visited them, was unclean and had cockroaches. I am worried about them occupying our guest room with their dirty suitcases and such.

Is there a gentle, friendly way to let them know we are worried about bugs coming into our home?

GENTLE READER: There is no delicate way to raise the subject directly. The best Miss Manners can suggest is that, since the guest room is so small (its actual size is immaterial), you move the suitcases to the garage after they have unpacked. Or take your guests swimming before dinner.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)