Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a 45-year-old professional woman who is employed in higher education. I am also a married mother with three adult children. Like many people, I have a social media account with bland commentary on current events.

I also have a relatively large anonymous account, which has tens of thousands of followers. I love this account and I enjoy the chance to use sarcasm and wit.

Twice, my sister has asked if I was behind this particular account in what I would consider a joking manner. I denied it both times. A dear friend asked me if I had seen the account and mentioned that reading it feels like talking to me, but funnier. She asked, "It's not you, is it?" then laughed. I denied it.

My husband doesn't know anything about it, and my kids may or may not be mortified if they found out.

There is nothing on the account that would ruin my life; there have been no online affairs or flirting. However, I would like to keep this to myself. It could also somewhat diminish the professional persona I have cultivated with students.

In a case like this, is it permissible to lie? If I were to die suddenly and someone accessed my phone, it would certainly be discovered. Logging out of the account is something I have considered, but I decided it was too inconvenient when I want to post on a whim.

I have always planned to delete it sometime before I die, but if my demise were untimely and I am discovered, is this a betrayal? Should I delete the account?

GENTLE READER: Surely this is the plot of a rom-com.

In it, the husband unwittingly discovers the titillating social media posts and falls in love with its writing, fearful that this is a betrayal of his wife. But then the true identity is somehow discovered and the betrayal is hers!

A montage would ensue where the couple separates, pursues their own creative endeavors and then finally run into one another. And with renewed love and respect, and better communication, all would end happily.

Allow Miss Manners to spare you Steps 1 through 3. For the sake of your marriage, she recommends you confide in your husband only -- and gain his assurance that he will keep the secret. As for the others, Miss Manners will permit you to continue the charade of pretending that those who ask are joking -- as long as you can believably back it up when you inevitably get found out.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Although it does not happen often, I nonetheless find it quite irritating when someone rings my doorbell and knocks loudly at the same time. The doorbell is close to the door and sufficiently loud on its own.

What is the proper response to this -- hopefully one that will cause the person to ring first, then listen before knocking?

GENTLE READER: A look of panic as you open the door, followed by, "Is everything all right?! Do you seek immediate shelter?!"

This, Miss Manners hopes, will at least give your guests pause to consider the alarming effect of their dual-handed assault on your door.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My parents' neighbors sent my husband and me a gift for the birth of our first child. I've never met them, so this was unexpected, but we sent a prompt thank-you note and a picture of our baby wearing the item they'd given us.

A month later, the neighbors sent our baby a Halloween present, followed by a Thanksgiving present, a Christmas gift and multiple "just-because" gifts. In total, we've received nearly 20 baby gifts from these people whom, again, we have never met.

It has gone from sweet to baffling to downright annoying, and I find myself feeling resentful every time I have to find 10 minutes to write a thank-you note for another gift I don't need and didn't ask for. I have tried various iterations of, "This is too much, please stop," but nothing has worked.

Do you have any suggestions for more vehement wording? And if they do not stop, must I keep sending thank-you notes?

GENTLE READER: That is the problem with writing good thank-you letters: They prompt recipients to be even more generous in return.

You could stop thanking them and see if the presents cease, but then you would have to live with the shame -- and probably continued correspondence about whether or not the gifts were received. Miss Manners is therefore afraid that you are doomed to a life of receiving presents. She hopes that this is an appropriately cautionary tale to otherwise ungrateful wedding couples and birthday celebrants everywhere.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I hosted an engagement party for his brother and fiancee at their request. We had a catered dinner for over 80 guests, and hired a DJ to play music during dinner and for dancing afterward.

As a thank-you for hosting, we received from the bride and groom a gift certificate to a very nice restaurant. My husband and I used the gift certificate and had a lovely evening.

When we later told my husband's brother and his fiancee that we had enjoyed the restaurant, they became enraged and said we were rude to have gone to the restaurant by ourselves and not included them, and if we had any class or manners we would have known this. They are now not speaking to us and badmouthing us to others.

I did not know that this was expected. I have given restaurant gift certificates in the past and have never been included in the outing, nor expected to be. Were we wrong here?

GENTLE READER: This couple coerced you into throwing them an expensive party -- and then chastised you for not including them in their thank-you present?!

If it were not for the badmouthing, Miss Manners would count you lucky that they no longer speak to you. In fact, even with it, you may have come out ahead. Just not, it seems, financially so.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My dinner guest goes around opening windows in the living and dining rooms almost immediately upon entering. I'm too flabbergasted to react. I would appreciate a good way to respond.

GENTLE READER: "Sorry, do you find it warm in here? Let me put on the air conditioning, or perhaps we can sit outside for a bit before dinner." And then Miss Manners suggests you go around closing those windows just as quickly as your dinner guest opened them.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I believe that the rules of etiquette indicate that one should not use language that others find offensive, even if it doesn't seem so to oneself. I have just learned, for example, that "master bedroom" is offensive to some, so it should not be used.

The problem is that there doesn't seem to be anything that someone, somewhere, doesn't find offensive. Should one be ruled by the wishes of one person? If not, how does one determine what is valid? It may seem trivial, but omitting words from the vocabulary and substituting others does take some work until it becomes habitual.

GENTLE READER: Now that taking offense has become a national pastime, Miss Manners needs to distinguish between two varieties of the activity.

The first is sifting through the constant unsolicited etiquette advice from friends and family on the subject of offensive language. For that, you will have to use your own judgment, remembering that correcting another person's manners is, itself, rude.

The second is avoiding offending an actual person, as opposed to a theoretical one, and for this, the rules have not changed: Avoid commonly recognized terms of offense; know your audience; and if you see that you have, unintentionally, given offense, apologize. Anyone who does not accept a sincerely offered apology for the use of a newly minted and not-yet-generally-accepted offensive term is being rude.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My fiancee and I are planning our wedding. She is displeased that I insist on following the rule that spouses must be invited together or not at all. Her grandmother is married to a man who has a long history of abuse against other family members; he also happens to hate me for bigoted reasons. This man is not welcome at our wedding. My fiancee wishes to invite only her grandmother, leaving the husband off of the invitation.

While I'm sympathetic, I told her we can't invite her grandmother alone, and therefore we should not invite either of them. Etiquette aside, I feel that the grandmother shares some culpability for what has happened.

My fiancee thinks I am being unreasonable, and we are at an impasse. Should I put my foot down, or should I make an exception, even though I know it is wrong?

GENTLE READER: Before you put your foot down, you should examine the ground you are standing on. Few etiquette rules are free from exceptions.

The seriousness of the accusation against the grandmother's spouse leads Miss Manners to believe that you have severed all relations with him. If that is so, it supersedes the requirement that he be invited. Grandma can come, but the offender will have to stay home.

If, instead, your use of the word was more metaphorical -- a way of saying that, while you tolerate the husband at every family event, you find his behavior disgusting -- then the rule about inviting couples reasserts itself, and you will have to choose between potentially insulting your fiancee's grandmother or once again tolerating her boorish spouse.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)