Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For years, our friends Cody and Nicole would often talk admirably about a high-profile person they knew. However, I found the descriptions of this man and his actions to be unethical and immoral (think Harvey Weinstein).

At the time, when I expressed my dismay, they treated me in a condescending manner, saying I didn't know how business was done.

Time has gone by, and sure enough, this man is on trial and it's worse than I thought. Cody and Nicole act like they never imagined the truth; I think they're just surprised he's been called out. I find myself disgusted with them.

My husband still wants to socialize with them; I don't. If I do see them, I'd like to say "I told you so," then ask why they excused his behavior for so long and how they reconcile that with their regular church attendance. I'm unreligious and find them to be hypocrites.

GENTLE READER: The moral question of whether their behavior can be forgiven is outside the purview of etiquette, but your proposed solution is not. If you have decided to end the friendship, then your sweeping denunciation of religion will certainly accomplish that -- though not, Miss Manners need hardly say, with etiquette's approval.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a woman working in a predominantly male field, with my company's workforce at approximately 15% female. Over the past 17 years of my employment, whenever a female co-worker is pregnant, we usually do a baby shower, whether at the workplace or sponsored by someone in their home. I have personally hosted four in my home.

A close work friend asked me if I would help her throw such a baby shower for another co-worker. We issued invitations to all of our female colleagues (30-plus people), but to our dismay, we had only four people accept. Including the hosts and guest of honor, the shower ended up being a total of eight people.

I sponsored the gathering at my home and spent a lot of money -- on food, decorations, cake, prizes, gifts, etc. -- because I felt bad about the low attendance and worried the party would be disappointing to the mother-to-be.

The following Monday, I was in the mail room and learned that the reason nobody attended was because there had already been a shower for this co-worker a few weeks prior to ours, and they all attended that one.

I was speechless. Not only did my friend and I not make the cut for the first shower, but the mother-to-be allowed us to throw her a second one. I am furious. Any thoughts on how to handle this?

GENTLE READER: At this point, little good will come of trying to determine whether your co-worker actively took advantage of you, or whether she was paralyzed by embarrassment when she realized you did not know about the first shower -- and then compounded her initial misstep.

True, punishing pregnant women does not appear to be going out of fashion, but Miss Manners recommends a more professional approach. Next time someone at the office is expecting, say, "That's wonderful! I'm so happy for her. But perhaps it's past time for us to leave baby showers to family and friends where they belong."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I know that it is not OK to be rude to someone who is rude to you. But what do you do when you observe rudeness done to another person?

I was at a restaurant with three family members. The waiter came by to refill our water glasses, but skipped one of them. That relative said, in a loud, sarcastic voice, "Whaddaya think?"

The waiter then said, "Oh, I'm sorry -- I didn't realize that was water because of all the lemons in the glass." He then filled the glass.

The remaining members of our table were embarrassed by this diner's behavior and felt bad for the waiter. What can be done in such a situation?

GENTLE READER: The problem is worse than you think. Being a member of the table both associates you with your relative's misdeed and amplifies your duty to see that the waiter is not mistreated (because he is, for the moment, working for you).

Miss Manners reminds you that neither of these empowers you to correct another person's manners, so you will not be able to take this sitting down. Excuse yourself from the table, find the waiter, and apologize for your relative's misbehavior.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I got married almost four years ago. We are a lesbian couple and all of our close friends and family attended our wedding. We have different last names, but we believe we are just like any other marital couple, except we are Mrs. and Mrs.!

We recently received an invitation to a party, and the e-invite allowed you to see the other couples who were attending. I noticed that a male same-sex couple was given a single invite, but my wife and I received separate ones. I was angry. I felt my marriage was being dismissed. It hurt, as a gay woman who has aways felt different and like an outcast.

My wife is going to the party, as she does not want to give this any energy it does not deserve. I am not hurt by her going. The hostess attended our wedding, so my wife is giving her the benefit of the doubt.

Am I making too much of this? I just need an objective perspective. I only want the same inclusion as everyone else.

GENTLE READER: An objective perspective would say that one need not look far to find people being treated shabbily for being different -- but that what happened here was more likely a mistake than an insult.

Miss Manners agrees that one invitation could have been addressed to you both; perhaps it was the different last names that threw the hostess off. But you are close enough with this woman to have invited her to your wedding -- which she attended -- and she correctly addressed her invitation to another gay couple, albeit male.

Do you believe, despite all of this, that she does not consider your marriage legitimate -- and intended to say so by the way she extended her invitation? Either way, directing anger at someone without being certain of their motives does not strike Miss Manners as fair treatment -- which you claim to be seeking.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I enjoy entertaining in my tiny apartment. My kitchen has only 28 square feet of floor space, and counter space is also very limited.

There is room for only one person in there, and there is no place to set dirty dishes. I have my own system for clearing up, which just takes me a few minutes. Even so, every time I get up to clear the table for dessert, my delightful friends jump up to help.

Despite my best and most diplomatic efforts to explain the above, I have guests who insist on "helping" by bringing stacks of dishes and food platters into the kitchen. There is literally no place to put them until I am ready.

Last night, one guest stood in the doorway with a stack of dishes and asked, "Where shall I put these?" I was tempted to look around the kitchen and say, "Gee, I don't know. Looks like there isn't anywhere to put them. Which is why I asked you not to bring them."

How can I get through to these unhelpful and oblivious guests?

GENTLE READER: Ah, yes. Like those kind folks who will help a little old lady across the street without listening to her protests about being headed in the opposite direction.

In your case, the polite thing is for guests to desist when an offer of help is declined. What Miss Manners would have said to that unhelpful one is, "Oh, just distribute them back on the table until I can get to them. Thanks so much."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Growing up, I was taught that if you used a guest hand towel in the powder room at someone's house -- or at a private club, or an ambassador's residence, for example -- the correct thing to do was to put it back on the towel rack where it had been hanging, making it obvious that it had been used.

The idea was to be neat about placing it over the towel rack, but also to leave it somewhat crumpled and not fold it back to its original shape.

Is this actually correct or not? Have you ever heard this?

GENTLE READER: Allow Miss Manners to congratulate your parents -- not only for teaching you the proper disposal of a guest towel, but for teaching you that guests may use guest towels in the first place. Few people seem to know that -- including many hosts who put out guest towels and are then outraged that the guests failed to understand that they were purely for decoration.

Yes, it should be clear that a guest towel has been used. You can leave it on the sink or at the corner of the towel bar; sometimes there is even a little basket there to receive them.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)