Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was on a second date at an upscale French restaurant. To my surprise and dismay, my date was incredibly rude to the waiter the entire night, starting with criticizing him for not speaking French (as my date does), never making eye contact with the waiter, never saying please and thank you, and so on.

I was mortified and I should have gotten up and walked out, but I didn't. I paid the bill, as I had offered, and left a larger tip than I ordinarily would. The next day I called the restaurant to apologize, and the manager told me the waiter had already alerted him to the bad situation.

The date hasn't called me and I haven't called him. Is there something else I should have done for the waiter?

GENTLE READER: Perhaps thanked him for saving you from any possible third date with that person.

How people treat those who are not in a position to defend themselves is a good test of character. Your good character was demonstrated when you compensated the waiter and then also corroborated his story with his boss.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I like to listen to podcasts on sound-blocking earbuds while exercising. I also attend the gym as early as possible to get in and out. The issue I have is that a couple of other people turn up the sound on the TV to the point of interfering with my listening to podcasts.

I've politely asked them to turn the sound down and use the closed-caption feature on the TV. One person told me to turn my own sound up and blow out my eardrums. The other turned up the TV sound even louder.

I tried talking to the manager, to no avail. Any ideas on how to handle the rudeness of these individuals? I'm to the point of considering bringing in a speaker to deaden their noise or broadcast an offensive podcast at them.

Why are some people so rude, and what else can I do?

GENTLE READER: And why are you even fantasizing about joining them by being rude yourself?

Alas, that is often how people react: They hate being treated rudely, and therefore think of ways to outdo the offenders.

Please forgive Miss Manners for sounding off. You did not succumb to being rude, and instead tried the polite methods of handling this: asking the offender and then appealing to authority.

Unfortunately, for a system of etiquette to function, it requires a sense of decency, or at least the desire for a peaceful community. Those qualities of civilized life seem to be in short supply now. Let us hope that you can find a gym where blatant rudeness is not tolerated.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Why are we supposed to put napkins in our laps?

GENTLE READER: As opposed to using them as shirt protectors?

Barring special conditions, people over the age of 6 are supposed to be able to transport food from the plate to their mouths without getting it all over themselves. Therefore, the napkin is merely placed within reach for minor dabbing. If you need more protection, Miss Manners acknowledges that it would be safer to move it within range of what you will splatter.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was recently invited for dinner at a friend's home, along with several others. The host has previously mentioned that he has a smart speaker in the dining room of his home.

I understand that a smart speaker, unless disabled, will pick up and record conversations held nearby. I do not want my conversation at dinner to be recorded.

Would it be appropriate for me to tell the friend in advance that I expect him to turn off the speaker during the meal, and/or that I will not attend unless he does so?

GENTLE READER: Although hardly a tech expert, Miss Manners was under the assumption that smart speakers were usually there to provide music, not to record conversations in case of enemy infiltration.

While she finds these two things almost equally annoying in a dining room, where people want to talk, the former is not a crime. She therefore suggests that rather than accuse your host of espionage, you politely ask if the speaker can be removed so that you may better hear his guests.

But then, you should probably make sure all smartphones are similarly banished, because those will likely have the same recording technology as the speaker.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I grew up in an all-military community. My husband and I are not rich, but we made a vow to always pay the restaurant bill for men or women in military uniforms who are dining at the same time with us.

The last time, there were six military members in line to pay as we waited for our table. We walked up and told the cashier, who was also the owner, that we would be paying their bills.

I was a bit shocked at how high the bill was for only six of them, but paid it anyway. After the owner rung up our credit card, he proceeded to hand over several to-go bags to one servicemember who had ordered a bunch of food for his family.

We didn't say anything, but I was upset that the owner or the person who ordered it didn't inform us about the to-go order.

We still continue with our vow of paying for meals for men and women who are serving our country, but I can't help but feel a bit ticked off whenever the occasion arises. My husband said I should let it go.

GENTLE READER: While it is kind of you to do this, you must keep in mind that your recipients were not expecting it. They were ordering for themselves, not to take brazen advantage of your unanticipated largesse.

You cannot impose terms and exceptions -- or expect unknown violations to be confessed retroactively. So Miss Manners is in agreement with your husband. She further recommends that if you are going to be ticked off when doing this in the future, you find another source of philanthropy -- and make its specific terms known before you donate to it.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I are part of a close-knit group of five couples. We all socialize often, whether in our various homes or out doing some recreational activity.

One of our gentleman friends is truly a very nice person: friendly, considerate, good sense of humor and an animal lover (cats, anyway). However, at all of our social functions, his dress consists of shorts, a sloppy T-shirt and tennis shoes, usually without socks. That would be fine for a backyard barbecue, but that is his uniform for all occasions -- birthdays, graduations, anniversaries and even major holiday dinners where I feel something "nicer" is in order.

At special occasions, the host couples have gone to great lengths to prepare a festive dinner on nice tableware. I feel his dress is insulting -- not only to the host, but also to the honoree or the occasion/holiday itself. When we are dining at a restaurant -- not an old-fashioned "coat and tie required" place, but still semi-upscale -- he is again in shorts and a T-shirt, and I again feel embarrassed.

In every other way, as I said, he's a great guy. I wouldn't want to hurt or insult him. Any suggestions for a mannerly approach? Or should I just ignore this?

GENTLE READER: You cannot tell an adult to whom you are not related how to dress. And unless the event is black- or white-tie, you cannot really even politely put it in your invitations ("festive" is not a dress code).

Miss Manners is afraid that you will have to learn to live with it. Clearly this gentleman's other half has.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son is getting married soon to a lady I've not yet met, although we have spoken on the phone several times. My issue is that I do not want my new daughter-in-law to call me "Mom."

My son was very briefly married once before (now divorced), and that daughter-in-law called me "Mom" without an invitation to do so, at least not from me. I believe my son may have instructed her to do so. When we met, I said, "Hello, I'm Mabel Jo" so that she would understand I did not want her to have to address me formally as "Mrs. X."

How can I tactfully request that his new wife not call me "Mom"? It has nothing to do with her, I just don't like the practice.

GENTLE READER: Talk to your son. It sounds to Miss Manners as if he may have been the one who planted the "Mom" idea with the first wife. Explain that you would like the honor of asking his prospective wife to call you by your first name. Surely he would not dream of depriving you of that familial moment.

If he protests that he finds "Mom" to be more intimate, you may delicately point out that there were a lot of things that did not work the first time around. You are generously sparing him one of them.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)