GENTLE READERS: An open society cannot function without etiquette.

Yes, etiquette, which many people still dismiss as having to do only with fork-obsessed snobs.

Miss Manners cannot help noticing that our basic forums for the open exchange of ideas are flailing: classrooms, lecture halls, town halls and legislatures. When everyone is spewing invectives and personal insults -- and, in the worst cases, threats -- nothing gets accomplished.

A democracy requires people of different views to listen to one another so as to work out compromises to keep the society functioning. So we need to agree not to clog up the works with our emotional outbursts, however strongly felt.

We need citizens to behave civilly.

Nobody (except dictators, professional or amateur) wants it to be illegal to express one's opinions. But all of us know people we wish would just shut up.

To avoid bringing down the heavy hand of the law on speech, we are supposed to be using a paralegal system of voluntary restraints, otherwise known as etiquette rules. Not laws; rules.

You see the problems:

1. Who makes the rules? Do they favor one viewpoint or another? Do they suppress legitimate speech? Everyone wants total self-expression, and everyone wants to be treated with respect, which would require others to be restrained.

Some rules are obvious. If everyone talks at once, or if speakers are shouted down, no one is heard. If irrelevant topics are introduced, everyone will be there all night. But the difference between a personal attack and legitimate criticisms of individuals' actions can seem vague. Miss Manners can tell the difference, but she cannot be everywhere at once.

2. How are the rules enforced? With none of the law enforcement sanctions available, what can be done about the people who do not volunteer to restrain their counterproductive impulses?

The sanction that etiquette does have is expulsion from the activity that has been disrupted. In situations of the most serious contention -- the justice system, the military and professional sports -- this is backed up by compulsion. But in ordinary life, it usually leads to more contentiousness.

To work out the limits and judge individual cases will require people of good will to work together, accepting the notion that there are words and actions that they can legally express, but nevertheless should not. That they are entitled to express their views strongly, but must temper them to allow civil discourse, rather than a fruitless exchange of insults.

But that brings us back to the problem itself: that this reasonable basis of democracy is being sabotaged.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was at a concert, and after intermission, the audience was asked to stand while the king and queen of Norway (or some other allied nation) entered and were seated. Everyone stood instantly, but I did so reluctantly, not wanting to make a scene.

I thought Americans were not supposed to show obeisance to monarchs. Are we? Was the request off-base?

GENTLE READER: No, no -- there is a difference between standing and bowing or curtseying. Besides the fact that they go in opposite directions.

Bowing down is a symbol of obeisance, and Americans do not bend our knees for our own leaders, much less for foreign potentates. But standing is a sign of respect, and Miss Manners finds no subservience in showing it for old age, high position or your favorite performer.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For seven years, I've owned something I've wanted most of my adult life: an antique convertible. My wife and I have always loved antique cars.

Weather permitting, I drive it daily with the top down, and I look for others driving their own antique cars. (Don't worry: I'm also very safe and keep my eyes on the road.) I smile, honk and wave when I see such drivers. They respond in kind.

However, looking around does make me worry that other drivers will think I'm showing off, just wanting to see how many people notice my car. The idea makes me feel bad. But if someone likes my car and gets my attention to let me know, I need to show my appreciation somehow -- maybe smiling, waving and tooting my horn. To ignore them is rude.

How do I behave while driving so that I don't seem to be looking for how many people notice me, yet acknowledge those who like the car?

GENTLE READER: You are overthinking this. For all anyone knows, you could just as easily be honking and smiling at an old friend.

Sure, Miss Manners agrees that nobody likes a showoff, but also: Who cares? As long as you are not causing accidents, she sees nothing wrong with a little car preening. Enjoy it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If a man marries a woman whose children are grown and married, does he become their stepfather, or just their mother's husband?

GENTLE READER: It depends how much the children like him.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What should a host do when guests fall asleep, but insist they aren't tired?

In the first instance, a friend came over for dinner after work. Our chatting continued with me in the kitchen and her in the living room, a few feet away. When she stopped answering, I found her fast asleep.

After waking her, I said we'd get together another time when she wasn't so tired, and that I would even send the dinner home with her. She declined, but later fell asleep again -- at the dinner table!

In the second case, a contractor fell asleep -- three times! -- at my kitchen table while discussing a project. Again I said we should reschedule, but he then said he had all the information he needed.

I expressed concern about him getting behind the wheel of his truck while so drowsy. I offered him a cold drink and said that he was welcome to sit for 10 or 15 minutes until he felt more alert, but he declined and left. I never heard back from him with an estimate.

While I appreciate that my friend wanted to spend time with me, and that the contractor was working hard, what would Miss Manners say in these awkward situations?

GENTLE READER: Frankly, she is starting to wonder what is in your water.

You cannot force other adults to rest, but your following up and finding out if they reached home safely would be kind. As would a reminder to get more sleep before the next time they come around.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my husband and I go somewhere together, he does not walk with me. He gets out of the car and heads to our destination while I am still getting out of the vehicle. He walks very far ahead of me, does not help me carry things and leaves me to lock up the car. This also leaves me to open doors myself with full hands.

He feels that since we have been married for 26 years, he does not need to "date" me any longer and that I can handle things myself. Of course I can handle things myself, but I got married to have a partner to walk through life beside me.

Please tell me, should a husband accompany his wife from the car to the destination?

GENTLE READER: Um, yes.

And he should also quickly be dispelled of the notion that he does not have to treat you with respect -- which is what "not dating you" anymore really means. Miss Manners recommends that you have a stern chat with him about what it means to be a good partner. That is, if he wants to keep his.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the etiquette about eating candy or breath mints when in public, please? Is it rude not to share?

GENTLE READER: It is all right if you do so discreetly. But you may want to consider the quality of your companions' breath before you make any binding decisions regarding sharing.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My father lives far away from me, and since he typically isn't around on my birthday, he gives me gifts in person or by mail before the day arrives.

I always thank him when I receive the gift, then I place it away until my birthday. At that point, I open it and then call to thank him.

Father always expresses surprise that I wait until my birthday to open the gift, and says he doesn't mind if I open it the day I receive it, as my siblings do theirs. I think (and have told him) that it's improper and impolite to open a birthday gift before the day itself unless there is a pressing need.

Can Miss Manners settle our disagreement? Who is correct?

GENTLE READER: Once a present is delivered to its recipient, it is entirely up to that person how and when to open it.

But just between us, Miss Manners is in agreement with you. Birthdays have a date for a reason, and if we are all going to just celebrate them willy-nilly whenever we want, what is the point of that date?

Where she differs with you, however, is in your telling your father and siblings that they are being rude for behaving otherwise. That, she is afraid, is also up to them.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)