Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I don't understand people who complain about getting old.

My mother-in-law, who will soon turn 97 and is healthier than I am, is frequently heard to say that "getting old is not for sissies." These types of comments really stick in my craw because my son passed away suddenly from a pulmonary embolism at the age of 25, while on his honeymoon.

Many people are not afforded the luxury of living a long, healthy life. Instead of complaining, they should thank their lucky stars that they've lived long enough to see their children have families of their own, have grandchildren and even great-grandchildren.

My son and his wife never had that joy. My daughter-in-law has not been the same since losing my son 21 years ago, and has never remarried.

GENTLE READER: Lucky stars are rarely thanked.

It is not necessary to have suffered a tragedy as terrible as yours to find someone who is better off -- or worse. But what good does it do? If you broke your leg, would you feel lucky in comparison to someone whose leg was amputated?

Would you be comforted if someone whose child died even younger said that you were lucky to have yours for 25 years? Or if a childless person said you were lucky to have had him at all? People do say such cruel things, and such comparisons are always hurtful.

Paradoxically, there is some comfort in sympathizing, if not empathizing, with others. This is why many bereaved people get involved in helping others, often in causes related to their misfortunes.

Miss Manners cannot help wondering if your mother-in-law was close to your son, in which case, she, too, is bereaved. In any case, at her age, she will have been losing her contemporaries. And whether in good general health or not, she is perhaps suffering aches and pains and the loss of abilities she used to take for granted.

However, it is for your own sake that Miss Manners begs you not to consider suffering to be competitive.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I noticed some people introduce themselves with their occupation, such as, "My name is Dr. Jones" or "My name is Detective Smith."

I believe they should say, "I'm Dr. Jones" or "I'm Detective Smith." Their name is not "doctor." I don't hear people say, "Hi, my name is Plumber Joe." You get the point.

What is proper in this case?

GENTLE READER: No title ever goes with "My name is," whether it is "doctor," "Mr." or "prince."

But Miss Manners can think of working situations where clues must be given not only to identify the person's occupation, but to provide the form of address. The newcomer who enters your hospital room says "I am Dr. Gamble" so that you don't complain to her that breakfast is late. And you may be glad to know that the stranger at your door is the plumber -- and to have a name to shout when the water backs up in another room.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: You addressed the thorny issue of sending a letter to a lesbian couple who share a last name (The Mses. Jones). Nicely done.

But what of gay male couples with a shared name? "The Mrs. Jones" would seem to miss entirely. "The Mres. Jones" mangles standard English plurals. What to do?

GENTLE READER: The correct plural abbreviation is "Messrs.," as it could also be "Mesdames" for the ladies. But you could also spell out "The Misters Bob and Thaddeus Jones."

Miss Manners maintains that abbreviations are not helpful shortcuts if no one knows what exactly they are abbreviating.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the appropriate response to a death anymore? We are part of a group of 12 couples who regularly enjoy potlucks and other outings together. We are also getting to an age where the death of a parent is not rare.

Several years ago, one group member started collecting money every time there was a death among the immediate family of someone in our group. She used the funds towards gifts for those in mourning such as restaurant gift cards, tennis-related items, a new golf club and certificates for massages.

I feel awkward, as I try to ensure I am appropriately sharing my condolences with the bereaved. I do send cards and drop off food.

Is it a cultural obligation to provide more festive tokens to the grieving?

GENTLE READER: Absolutely not.

Miss Manners is aware that many would rather have a celebration of life than a commemoration of death. But that still means celebrating the life of the deceased -- not those of their living relatives.

Good friends may hope that those in mourning will return to enjoying life, but an explicit invitation to whoop it up in the form of golf gear and such feels disrespectful. She kindly requests that in the wake of bereavement, condolence letters, food and solemnity continue to prevail.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I love my grandkids, but I don't much enjoy eating dinner with them because they often argue about where they're going to sit and who they want to sit next to. It feels like a popularity contest, and it doesn't feel so nice when your grandkids don't want to sit next to you.

I don't offer criticism to my grown kids about their parenting, as they are excellent parents. (And even if they weren't, that wouldn't be my business anyway.) The kids are generally well-behaved. This dinnertime hassle is an anomaly, but I eat with them about once a week, so it's a regular occurrence.

The kids are 6, 8 and 11. Of course they'll gradually grow out of this behavior. Should I just wait it out, or say something about how I feel?

GENTLE READER: Or you could say something about place cards. The children will have fun making them and they can create a system wherein the seating chart rotates and no one feels left out.

While stating such preferences publicly is rude and unpleasant, Miss Manners does admit that the same popularity contest happens when adults are formally seated -- it is only polite because it happens quietly behind closed doors.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son is currently ill, and I visit his house to help with his dog and cat.

The cat's food dish is in the basement, kept separate from the dog's dish in the kitchen. The cat often wants more food after dark, so I turn on the light in the basement to go fill her bowl.

My son asks me to turn off the light when I come back upstairs, even though the cat is still eating. He says she can see in the dark because there's a little bit of light from the open door to the stairs. I feel it is rude to turn off the light while she is eating. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: That you sent Miss Manners down a rabbit hole of research on cats' ability to see in the dark. What she found is that it is limited -- but still better than that of humans.

So while Miss Manners admires your instinct not to be rude to your feline friend, her humble opinion is that with the light coming from the open door, your son's cat should be fine. More importantly, it is his house, his pet.

As a compromise, you might suggest a motion sensor -- as long as you are sure it will not scare the kibble out of Frisky.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Do you have any ideas for responding to someone who extends a non-apology (such as "I'm sorry you feel that way")?

This type of apology can be manipulative; it would be helpful to have a retort that pierces the veneer of courtesy that's being displayed.

Of course, odds are low that any response would move the speaker to genuine concern or remorse for the offense, but appearing to accept a fake apology only encourages more of the same, which is not ideal.

GENTLE READER: "And I'm sorry that you don't understand my reason for feeling that way."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I visit my alma mater, I face the same issue each time. I usually can only visit for a short time, a few days at most, and I have particular people I need to see. I am still a recent-enough graduate that I also know some current students.

I always feel terrible, as if I should either hide my visit or overextend myself lest I hurt someone's feelings. It is a small school in a small town, and the odds that I will be seen out and about are high. Furthermore, I don't wish to sneak around -- I wish to do the right thing.

It seems excessive to reach out to someone just to say I can't catch up. Even if I did, I couldn't possibly notify everyone who meant something to me. How should a grateful, kind person conduct herself without making excuses?

GENTLE READER: "I was hoping to run into you."

This could be politely said to anyone who catches you out and about. For those who reprimand you retroactively, Miss Manners suggests: "It was such a short trip, but I hope I'll see you the next time I'm in town" -- whether or not your hope is likely to be realized.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)