Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does one deal with a person who counters any challenges with "you're crazy"?

Instead of discussing ideas in a civil tone, my husband tries to dismiss any attempts at debate by shutting me down with a label both inaccurate and cruel. Debasing a person with an ad hominem attack is the "craziest" thing I have ever seen.

In the past, I have told him he doesn't have the licensing requirements to diagnose any illness. It doesn't stop his attacks.

Any ideas for this crazy woman?

GENTLE READER: Is it safe to presume that your husband is not trying to build a case to have you committed to an asylum so that he can carry on with the lady next door?

Assuming those are not his intentions, it is only a matter of teaching him a polite euphemism. Miss Manners suggests one that was in frequent use in the U.S. Congress in better days: "I believe you are gravely mistaken."

However, as you may have observed from our government in action, there are people who prefer delivering insults to working out differences. If your husband is such a one, Miss Manners can only offer you her sympathy.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter is engaged to a great guy. She is head-over-heels for him, and the rest of us really like him, too. They are a great match.

The issue is that while my daughter has many friends and a huge family on both my side and my wife's, he has a relatively small family and not as many friends. He and I get along great, and he expressed interest in having me be his best man.

I've only known him for a year or so, and although we are close, he's not my "best friend" and vice versa. My daughter says "no way," and so does my wife.

I know I'm supposed to walk her down the aisle and be the Father of the Bride, and I really don't want to be his best man. I'm just curious if there is any kind of wedding etiquette that frowns on the FOTB also being the best man.

GENTLE READER: Why do you appeal to Miss Manners, when you have your daughter available? All she needs to say is, "Honey, that's so sweet, and I'm thrilled that you feel that way about my father. He thinks the world of you. But he already has an important place in the wedding, and another one would be too much."

But as you did ask her, Miss Manners must say, once again, that a wedding is not like a play with specific roles to be cast. The wedding should fit the families, not the other way around.

It is not mandatory that there be a best man. The simple function of handing over the bride's ring could be done by the maid of honor, if there is one. Or even by you, as you will be at the altar anyway, although at your daughter's side, not his.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I don't understand people who complain about getting old.

My mother-in-law, who will soon turn 97 and is healthier than I am, is frequently heard to say that "getting old is not for sissies." These types of comments really stick in my craw because my son passed away suddenly from a pulmonary embolism at the age of 25, while on his honeymoon.

Many people are not afforded the luxury of living a long, healthy life. Instead of complaining, they should thank their lucky stars that they've lived long enough to see their children have families of their own, have grandchildren and even great-grandchildren.

My son and his wife never had that joy. My daughter-in-law has not been the same since losing my son 21 years ago, and has never remarried.

GENTLE READER: Lucky stars are rarely thanked.

It is not necessary to have suffered a tragedy as terrible as yours to find someone who is better off -- or worse. But what good does it do? If you broke your leg, would you feel lucky in comparison to someone whose leg was amputated?

Would you be comforted if someone whose child died even younger said that you were lucky to have yours for 25 years? Or if a childless person said you were lucky to have had him at all? People do say such cruel things, and such comparisons are always hurtful.

Paradoxically, there is some comfort in sympathizing, if not empathizing, with others. This is why many bereaved people get involved in helping others, often in causes related to their misfortunes.

Miss Manners cannot help wondering if your mother-in-law was close to your son, in which case, she, too, is bereaved. In any case, at her age, she will have been losing her contemporaries. And whether in good general health or not, she is perhaps suffering aches and pains and the loss of abilities she used to take for granted.

However, it is for your own sake that Miss Manners begs you not to consider suffering to be competitive.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I noticed some people introduce themselves with their occupation, such as, "My name is Dr. Jones" or "My name is Detective Smith."

I believe they should say, "I'm Dr. Jones" or "I'm Detective Smith." Their name is not "doctor." I don't hear people say, "Hi, my name is Plumber Joe." You get the point.

What is proper in this case?

GENTLE READER: No title ever goes with "My name is," whether it is "doctor," "Mr." or "prince."

But Miss Manners can think of working situations where clues must be given not only to identify the person's occupation, but to provide the form of address. The newcomer who enters your hospital room says "I am Dr. Gamble" so that you don't complain to her that breakfast is late. And you may be glad to know that the stranger at your door is the plumber -- and to have a name to shout when the water backs up in another room.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: You addressed the thorny issue of sending a letter to a lesbian couple who share a last name (The Mses. Jones). Nicely done.

But what of gay male couples with a shared name? "The Mrs. Jones" would seem to miss entirely. "The Mres. Jones" mangles standard English plurals. What to do?

GENTLE READER: The correct plural abbreviation is "Messrs.," as it could also be "Mesdames" for the ladies. But you could also spell out "The Misters Bob and Thaddeus Jones."

Miss Manners maintains that abbreviations are not helpful shortcuts if no one knows what exactly they are abbreviating.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the appropriate response to a death anymore? We are part of a group of 12 couples who regularly enjoy potlucks and other outings together. We are also getting to an age where the death of a parent is not rare.

Several years ago, one group member started collecting money every time there was a death among the immediate family of someone in our group. She used the funds towards gifts for those in mourning such as restaurant gift cards, tennis-related items, a new golf club and certificates for massages.

I feel awkward, as I try to ensure I am appropriately sharing my condolences with the bereaved. I do send cards and drop off food.

Is it a cultural obligation to provide more festive tokens to the grieving?

GENTLE READER: Absolutely not.

Miss Manners is aware that many would rather have a celebration of life than a commemoration of death. But that still means celebrating the life of the deceased -- not those of their living relatives.

Good friends may hope that those in mourning will return to enjoying life, but an explicit invitation to whoop it up in the form of golf gear and such feels disrespectful. She kindly requests that in the wake of bereavement, condolence letters, food and solemnity continue to prevail.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I love my grandkids, but I don't much enjoy eating dinner with them because they often argue about where they're going to sit and who they want to sit next to. It feels like a popularity contest, and it doesn't feel so nice when your grandkids don't want to sit next to you.

I don't offer criticism to my grown kids about their parenting, as they are excellent parents. (And even if they weren't, that wouldn't be my business anyway.) The kids are generally well-behaved. This dinnertime hassle is an anomaly, but I eat with them about once a week, so it's a regular occurrence.

The kids are 6, 8 and 11. Of course they'll gradually grow out of this behavior. Should I just wait it out, or say something about how I feel?

GENTLE READER: Or you could say something about place cards. The children will have fun making them and they can create a system wherein the seating chart rotates and no one feels left out.

While stating such preferences publicly is rude and unpleasant, Miss Manners does admit that the same popularity contest happens when adults are formally seated -- it is only polite because it happens quietly behind closed doors.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)