Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our new neighbors are well-known for being troublemakers. We are maintaining a cold and distant relationship with them, due to their famously disrespectful ways, and we have already been warned they are gossiping about us because of this.

I had to request intervention from the police due to them constantly blocking the entrance to my garage. I need to know if there is something polite I can write in my social media feed, which they follow, to the effect of, "The original homeowners are always remembered for their excellent behavior, respect, good boundaries and friendly relations -- things that the new owners are completely lacking."

We are ignoring them, but they haven't forgotten my call to the police and are constantly gossiping that we are the bad ones.

GENTLE READER: Etiquette will sanction your ignoring the new neighbors you so dislike -- or, when forced to interact with them, keeping your relations merely civil -- if we can agree that attacking them on social media and calling the police on them cannot be fairly called either cold or distant.

Miss Manners recommends actually ignoring them because it requires so much less effort -- and because civilities fail once the attacks begin.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Because of the pandemic, health and illness are on many people's minds. I am lucky to be in good health, but many of my friends seem to be obsessed with being sick, and it's starting to wear on me.

I'm tired of them constantly obsessing over their health. I feel like I have to always sympathize and provide endless support to their worries. How do I handle this in a respectful way?

GENTLE READER: A certain amount of sympathy for the genuine problems of a friend is expected. But talking endlessly about one's health -- like talking endlessly about any other aspect of oneself -- is a bore.

The solution is to change the subject, change your position in the room, or, if all else fails, change the guest list next time. Miss Manners prefers this to expecting conversational reciprocity, as she finds talking about her own health equally boring.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently lost my mom and we just had the service. My brother has two stepsons, and in the obituary, they were mistakenly left off the list of grandkids.

Biologically, my mom had a total of six grandkids, who were all mentioned in the obituary. My sister-in-law was very offended that her two sons weren't mentioned. They knew my mom, of course, but were not involved with her on a regular basis at all.

Was this wrong that we didn't mention them?

GENTLE READER: Yes, but Miss Manners would have counseled your sister-in-law that the service was not the time to express offense at an innocent mistake. Nor would she have pointed out that treating the stepsons as if they are not part of the family is ungracious: She would have assumed that the omission was done by accident.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received a lovely handwritten invitation to attend a formal ladies' luncheon at my friend's home. Of course I accepted, and was looking forward to getting dressed up, as I don't have many chances to do so.

I told another friend of mine about it and she said that it sounded very nice, that she didn't really know many people who had those kinds of parties and that it must be nice to be invited to it.

A few days before the party, I called the hostess and asked if I could bring my other friend (they do not know each other). She said no. I got angry. I told her that I would not be attending, since she thought my friend would not be welcome at her fancy little shindig.

She tried to talk to me about it, but I just hung up. I haven't spoken to her since, even though she has tried to contact me several times via email and phone.

Now everyone is telling me that I was very rude to even ask to bring another person in the first place.

Where I come from, we go by the motto, "The more, the merrier," and we don't snub someone just because we don't know them.

GENTLE READER: Funny, you don't sound merry.

You sound like the very reason that so few people attempt to entertain.

Such an event requires planning: compiling a guest list of people who will enjoy being with one another, selecting a menu that will be pleasing and suitable, and creating a style that the guests will like. Instead of appreciating all this work for their benefit, guests, all too often, attempt to mess with the arrangements.

You wanted to bring your own guest. Others may attempt to dictate the menu, or to disparage the formality (such as your referring to it as a "fancy little shindig"). All these types of interference are common now.

Why should one bother to entertain such demanding and ungrateful people? Miss Manners is glad to hear that this hostess was not intimidated enough to give in, as many are. The only puzzling part is why she is still trying to get in touch with you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is it these days with restaurant workers saying "There ya go" instead of "thank you" when they hand you your order?

I expect to say "thank you" back to the person, but it just seems like a ridiculous one-way street of courtesy in response to "There ya go." Now I just say nothing and leave. Any better ideas?

GENTLE READER: Should the response to "There ya go" be a reassuring "I'm going, I'm going"? Meaning that they say "go," and you go?

No, probably not. Restaurant Speak, which spreads mysteriously to a variety of establishments everywhere, is a language of its own. Normal people did not use to refer to eating as "working on that," or call their favorite drinks their "beverage of choice."

Neither you nor Miss Manners can retrain restaurant staffs. All you need to say when you leave is "goodbye."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a disability that is not readily visible, and I have a service dog to help me navigate the world and go about my business. She is a small dog and suits my needs very well, but she's not one of the classic breeds that people associate with service dogs.

When I enter a space that is not pet-friendly, I am often questioned about my dog. Of course, I have no problem clarifying that she is a service animal, but I do not wish to engage beyond that. I am often asked multiple follow-up questions, leading to the invasive question of what my disability is, exactly. It's hard to explain, it's really no one's business, and I feel so flummoxed by the questioning that I often don't want to go out at all (which defeats the very purpose of my having a service dog).

I would welcome any ideas about polite but firm conversation-ending phrases that I could deploy in these situations so I can just go about my business like everyone else.

GENTLE READER: There are plenty of nosy people quizzing strangers about things that are none of their business. But Miss Manners suspects that in this case, they are wondering if you are passing off a pet as a service animal, as one reads that some are doing.

So she suggests answering the implied question, rather than the one that was asked. "She's a highly trained service dog," you could say good-naturedly, "and part of her training is that she won't discuss my medical condition with anyone but my doctor. I'm sure you understand."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: With the backlog of weddings due to COVID-19, I'm wondering when the appropriate time is to send save-the-dates for a wedding in late winter/early spring.

GENTLE READER: Go right ahead. You can send those at any time -- provided that both you and the recipients understand what a save-the-date card is and is not.

It is a courteous alert to anyone who might want to attend the event but needs time to arrange travel and vacation days.

It is not an invitation. Therefore, it does not require a commitment to attend, which would not be reasonable so far in advance.

But it does require a commitment on the part of the senders to follow up by issuing an invitation at the normal time: a few weeks in advance.

Miss Manners acknowledges that, during all that time, things can also change for the senders: The engagement could be broken, or the couple could elope. In that case, they need only explain to date-savers that the wedding on that date has been called off.

What they can never, ever do is to go ahead with the wedding on the original date but decide to cut the guest list. There is no polite way to ask people to save a date and then say, "Never mind, we don't want you after all."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)