Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: There's a local saying where we live: "You never know how many friends you have until you have a beach house."

We were lucky enough to have bought a beach house before prices in our area spiraled out of control. We frequently invite friends, new and old, to stay with us, but we have noticed a trend that disappoints us.

Some "friends" seem to see us as innkeepers rather than hosts. They will rise late, leave for the day, and sometimes return after dark (they can come and go in their own entrance). They share neither breakfast nor dinner with us, despite our repeated invitations, leaving us with an abundance of food we purchased to share with them.

Are we incorrect in thinking an invitation to stay with us includes the expectation that they will spend at least some of the time actually WITH us?

GENTLE READER: Apparently you beach house owners also learn which friends you do not have.

Miss Manners is shocked that this happened to you even once. That it has happened so often as to be considered a trend makes her wonder whether you should rephrase your invitations -- and revise your guest list.

Meanwhile, you could detect intentions by asking what they eat for breakfast and whether they have any dinner restrictions. If the answer is "Oh, we won't be around for meals," you can respond, "Oh, dear, we had hoped to enjoy your company. But as this isn't a good time for you to visit us, let's rethink it."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am extremely heat-intolerant, and I live in an area where I am reasonably comfortable 10 months of the year. In July and August, however, I am basically housebound, as anything over 75 degrees can induce loss of appetite, nausea, vomiting, dizziness and extreme lethargy. I am essentially limited to A/C and swimming for those two months.

My issue relates to my summertime clothing and my gentleman friend (I am a woman). The only clothes I feel comfortable wearing during the summer months are loose-fitting sleeveless dresses, of which I have many. Even underwear is a sacrifice I make only when in the company of others.

My significant other is the problem. Invariably, when he shows up to see me -- whether we are going out, even just for fast food, or staying in to order a pizza and watch movies -- he ALWAYS states that he feels underdressed.

I have assured him repeatedly that I am not "dressed up," I'm just HOT. What do I say to make him stop? It's embarrassing as well as annoying.

GENTLE READER: What on Earth is he wearing -- or not wearing -- if he considers a loose dress to be contrastingly formal?

Never mind. Perhaps you can tell (or remind) him about your underwear sacrifice.

No, skip that, too. The heat seems to have gotten to Miss Manners' sense of decorum.

The argument-closer is to say that you will wear what you choose and he may wear what he chooses -- if that does not cause more serious problems. Possibly with the law.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At the 50th reunion of my professional school class, the first session of the reunion program included several speakers on topics one would expect at such an event: class history, changes in the makeup of today's students, introduction of new faculty members.

Inserted into this lineup of speakers was a representative from the school's development office, who proceeded to give an exhaustive -- and I do mean exhaustive -- accounting of the myriad ways in which we could give to the school. Cash gifts, securities, real estate, annuities, all manner of bequests.

At the end of the presentation, during the question-and-answer period, one of my classmates spoke up to vehemently say that this appeal to a captive audience was in very bad taste, and in no way belonged at the event. Other classmates disagreed, which led to a spirited debate.

What are your thoughts? Do you believe this to be a breach of etiquette?

GENTLE READER: Perhaps, but only in the same sense as having a commercial inserted into your favorite program. It is not just because your alma mater longs to see your aging face that reunions are held.

That said, Miss Manners remembers a reunion of a school in the Northeast where elaborate entertainment and thoughtful services were provided, yet hardly a word was said about donations. They raked it in. Perhaps your school would have done better by being less obtrusive.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am very much against Russia's invasion of Ukraine, and I don't want to support it by buying a diamond engagement ring, since the stone is likely to come from Russia.

I told my fiancee I would like to buy her a ruby, emerald or sapphire ring -- her choice -- but she says the only ring appropriate for an engagement is a diamond. What is your advice?

GENTLE READER: This is not the jewelry department, so Miss Manners cannot advise you on how to find a diamond with a clear provenance (or a lab-created one). But that is what you must do.

The reason is not because there is any etiquette rule about diamond rings. Frankly, we don't even care if there is a ring, much less what type. Etiquette considers that all an engagement requires is an agreement between two people to be married. It is not we who invented that bended-knee routine.

But your fiancee craves this. And your marriage will go better if you acknowledge that while a spouse's moral convictions should be respected, so should a spouse's emotional longings.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If one is dining alone at a restaurant and must burp, what should one do afterwards? It seems coarse to say nothing, but it seems odd to try to engage nearby diners.

By saying "excuse me," would one be asking the salt shaker for a pardon?

GENTLE READER: Even if dining alone, one should say "excuse me." Especially if the people at the next table jumped.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I just moved into a new two-story home. The primary suite is on the main floor, directly under the only room that will work as a guest room.

Unfortunately, we have discovered that when we are in our bedroom, we are able to hear every little noise made in the room above.

We plan to have as many visitors, both friends and family, as will honor our home. We don't want to create any awkwardness or discomfort for our guests, but also do not wish to become aware of a guest's private matters. We know the situation is reciprocal, and can adjust our behavior accordingly.

Is it better to tactfully let our visitors know the situation so they can also have the opportunity to adjust their actions? Or to simply pretend we can't hear a thing, wear earplugs and turn on our air purifier in the hopes we don't hear anything too private?

GENTLE READER: The second. Because if you tell them, your guests will hardly be able to relax while engaging in even routine bedtime activity without worrying about bothering you. Miss Manners therefore suggests that you employ those soundproofing techniques -- and perfect your pretending.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am in a predicament with a friend of mine. We used to be involved romantically, and he is clinging to the idea that he can convince me to return to his side.

I have no interest in him anymore, due to my commitment to my current partner. But even if we were to break up, I would not be in a relationship with this person again. Unfortunately, he can't seem to catch on that our ship has sailed.

The way he acts toward me is incredibly different from how he acts toward the rest of our friends, and it often makes me uncomfortable. It is extremely similar to how he treated me during our relationship, but with additional, poorly executed attempts to entice me.

How do I get him to just take the hint? It feels like he is entirely ignoring the fact that I have a new partner -- one I love dearly and seek a long-term relationship with. It's frankly getting on my nerves.

GENTLE READER: "You seem to misunderstand the nature of our friendship. I apologize if I have inadvertently given you signals that this is anything other than platonic friendship, but that is what it is. My current partner would be quite surprised to find out otherwise."

And then Miss Manners suggests that you warn said current partner of your past one's mistaken beliefs, lest the delusional one try to convince him otherwise.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I joined a friend for dinner. Waiting for the bill, I put cash on the table for my share. A waitress came and said that a friend of his (who I didn't know) had paid for our meal.

He smiled, pocketed my cash and said we should go thank his friend. Shouldn't he have returned my cash to me?

GENTLE READER: Yes.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)