DEAR MISS MANNERS: I attempt to use proper etiquette in my daily life. I'm far from perfect, and mistakes happen, but I do try my hardest to be polite in all things.

A former friend of mine said, on numerous occasions, that he believes my use of etiquette is merely performative.

I once asked him if we could stop at a store so I could purchase a cupcake as an apology for a director. (I had gotten sick and missed a scheduled rehearsal.) My then-friend refused to take me, as I was "trying too hard to be liked."

Things like my love of homemade gifts and handwritten letters were also criticized as attempts to be unique and likable, not genuine acts of etiquette.

I will admit that I do enjoy being known as a polite and charitable person, but I don't know how to respond to an accusation of only using manners as a means to an end. Is that a thought I should even entertain?

GENTLE READER: Just what the society needs: a denunciation of kindness and consideration for others. As this is a former friend, Miss Manners trusts that you no longer need to annoy him with your thoughtfulness.

It is no great insight to notice that etiquette is performative. There are formulas for words and gestures to convey intention and emotion. If you inconvenience someone, even inadvertently -- or justifiably, in your case with the missed rehearsal, as it involved illness -- you apologize as an acknowledgment of that person's feelings. Accompanying this by a token present gives it extra charm. A handwritten letter shows appreciation for others' efforts.

But are these expressions of genuine emotion? Is the convict who expresses remorse really sorry, or just hoping for a lighter sentence?

How can we know? Some villains are good actors. Nevertheless, we want to hear the criminal concede that crime is wrong.

Your former friend argues that our behavior should reflect our true feelings, however offensive they may be. (A great many people are already doing this, and those on the receiving end of honest nastiness resent it.) He also does not believe that good feelings could be genuine.

And he further argues that it is wrong to want other people to like you. Why, exactly, is that?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work in the service industry at a desk. I am often passed by people saying, "How you doing?"

What is the right response?

They really don't want to hear a long reply, so I am not sure how to respond. I have sometimes responded with "I am good, how are you?" but that seems to halt their progress past the desk. I have sometimes said nothing, but that seems rude, as does answering with just "I am good." I thought about just saying "hi," but that seemed kind of rude as well. Please give me a good response.

GENTLE READER: This is a version of "How do you do?" -- a phrase that is correctly pronounced without a questioning tone. It is now misunderstood to be a serious inquiry, rather than a simple greeting.

The response, in your case, is therefore "How you doing?" -- although Miss Manners would also accept "Fine, thanks; and you?"

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My best friend and I have very frank and open communications on most topics, but there is one issue I feel very unsure about properly handling.

She and her husband have an extremely acrimonious relationship, and are together only because of the practicalities of caring for their children, who have special needs. She usually wishes me a happy anniversary, and I always plan on returning the greeting -- but when the date rolls around, it feels trite and offensive to wish her a happy anniversary fresh after hearing about their most recent battle.

It seems rude to not acknowledge the occasion, but given the state of their marriage, I can't come up with a way to tactfully commemorate their milestone. Is there any good way to handle this situation?

GENTLE READER: Birthdays are not always happy and mornings are not always good. Greetings and commemorations are not commandments that recipients are expected to follow.

Therefore, Miss Manners recommends you simply tell your friend "Happy anniversary" -- perhaps adding an "I hope you have a ..." before it if you must.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What should be the proper etiquette/expectation for approaching a single-occupancy bathroom?

When using such bathrooms -- at work, at a restaurant or elsewhere -- I have no inclination to respond vocally to a knock (and inevitably the knock is loud and jarring). The door is locked and the person on the other side will quickly discover the bathroom is occupied when they attempt the door.

I can't imagine anybody likes to announce their presence in the bathroom when the occupancy question can easily be solved by trying the handle.

When I approach such a restroom, I gently try the handle first, the intention being not to disturb the individual inside should there be one. If the door appears unlocked, I turn the handle loudly but pause before opening the door, in the unfortunate but rare case that the inhabitant forgot to lock the door, to give them time to notify me.

I have polled my friend group about this and we are evenly divided on knock vs. handle. What's your take?

GENTLE READER: If subtly looking under the door for feet is not an option, Miss Manners votes for knocking. She herself finds it quite jarring to hear a bathroom door being jangled, particularly when there is a remote chance that she forgot to lock it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a happily single 75-year-old divorcee. Most of my friends have partners, and we often meet for dinner at local restaurants. Many times, I am the only single person in our group.

At these meals, everyone tells the server how the tickets should be divided up, and I say mine is for just me. More times than I can count, the server has said: "What's wrong with you?"

I know that it is an attempt at being jovial with the group, but I am a bit taken aback by this comment, and I am tired of hearing it. Recently I have said, "Just lucky, I guess." Do you have another suggestion for a response for me to use in the future?

GENTLE READER: Why, when yours is so good? If someone is going to be so bold as to ask what is wrong with you, Miss Manners thinks a pithy answer is deserved.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How much detail in the response is required when declining an invitation, and does it vary by event?

For example, if I say, "I'm busy that day" when just a cup of coffee is involved, do I need to say, "I'm chairing a charity event that weekend" when a destination wedding is in the works?

I was always pretty terse in my RSVPs, but I've noticed that well-mannered people I know tend to trot out a concrete reason when bowing out.

Second question: When I ask someone for advice, do I owe them a follow-up? Such as "I looked into what you suggested, but decided to go in a different direction."

Your commonsense advice is always much appreciated.

GENTLE READER: There is a difference between declining an invitation and bowing out afterwards. Miss Manners is not sure you are making this distinction, which may be the reason that your well-mannered friends are taking the additional step.

When declining an invitation, a simple "I am so sorry, but I'm afraid I can't attend" is perfectly polite. And more often than not, revealing the real reason -- that you do not feel like it or do not like the people, activity, food and/or price of admission -- would be rude.

But if you are bowing out after having accepted, you had better have a very good excuse -- or at least one that is not discoverable.

As for the second question, you do not owe anyone, including Miss Manners, a follow-up on advice unless they specifically ask if you used it. Even in that case, you need not specify if it was successful.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am 38, and 10 years ago, I was diagnosed with a severe, life-limiting disease that leaves me in enormous pain around the clock.

Unfortunately, my body seems to be breaking down at a faster rate than many others with this disease. I have begun using various aids, such as a wheelchair, which somehow seems to give people a free pass to ask about my limitations and tell me about theirs.

I am not ashamed of my disease, and I don't mind telling people about it. My problem is when people, even some in my own family, tell me that they could never deal with such a diagnosis, and that they would kill themselves if they were me.

I never know what to say to this. I feel like I need to put on a brave face at all times, when in truth, I have been hospitalized for trying to end my life due to my pain. (This is none of their business.)

I am trying to make the most of the years I have left and trying to find reasons to live; reminders of death make my already-difficult life much harder. Is there a way to succinctly tell people that this comment is both unwarranted, unwanted and pretty damn offensive?

GENTLE READER: "What a terrible thing to say."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)