Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a woman who works in a male-dominated industry, where I have earned a leadership role. I regularly attend industry events where spouses are included, and I love meeting my co-workers' spouses.

However, I am frequently asked who in the room I am married to, or whether I am married to my (male) boss. Sometimes other people in the industry will even ask these questions.

I usually say something along the lines of, "I work for Company X," but it doesn't feel like enough. I've worked hard for my position, and it is frustrating for people to assume I'm a guest.

Do you have any suggestions for how I might respond?

GENTLE READER: Include your title when introducing yourself. Miss Manners trusts that that will be shaming enough, and can therefore be done subtly: "I'm the vice president of Company X," rather than "I'm your boss."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am 69 years old, with a 29-year-old daughter who lives at home with my husband and me. Growing up, my family always expected us kids and young adults to help out around the house whenever possible. We were never asked; we were told we should offer at all times.

Well, I brought my daughter up that way. However, for the last four to five years, she has never volunteered -- she says she should be asked!

I disagree, and this has caused a tremendous strain on our relationship. Is it proper to offer to help, or to wait until asked?

GENTLE READER: It would be more polite of your daughter to volunteer, but she has not thought this through. Perhaps what you have chosen to object to (her not volunteering to help instead of not actually helping) has led her to believe she will never be asked.

Miss Manners would have you ask kindly, but constantly, which will lead to one of two outcomes: Your daughter will get tired of being asked, and simply do the work. Or, she will object to having to contribute, which will lead to a more substantive discussion about family responsibilities.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am an avid magazine subscriber and reader. When I am done with my magazines, I pass them on to several people, depending on their interests. If I want to keep an article or a recipe from one of them, I have been making copies of those pages, but I would prefer to just tear them out (as the recipes often have side notes, etc.).

When one passes along a magazine, should it be whole? If I tear out recipes or articles, should I just recycle the rest of it? I am the one paying for the subscription, so I feel that I may use the magazine as I want before passing it on. Or does the recipient have a right to receive a whole magazine?

GENTLE READER: Rights are something to which a person is intrinsically entitled -- or, if Miss Manners may be permitted to move from constitutional law to etiquette, something you are not required to say "thank you" for (though you still may).

All your beneficiaries should expect is a friendly warning that you retained the dessert recipe. Better that than a whole magazine covered with chocolate stains.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I was growing up, I was taught that under no circumstances did one point a blade, or any other sharp object, at another person. When handing a knife or a pair of scissors to someone else, one handed the article with the handle toward the recipient and the blade tip pointed toward oneself. Similarly, when setting the table, the knife blade always pointed toward one's own plate, never toward that of another, and when resting the knife on the plate after cutting one's food, the knife blade pointed toward oneself and never toward any other diner. It was considered the height of rudeness to do otherwise.

We were taught that this custom originated when utensils might be used in an aggressive (and possibly deadly) manner against one's dining companions, so pointing the blade toward oneself (and keeping one's blade hand in view at all times) provided some assurance that one did not intend to harm the company -- at least not during dinner.

In recent years, it seems as though this custom has largely disappeared. When correcting nieces, I have been informed by my sibling (one of their parents) that I am completely wrong and that the blade is always pointed outward, whether in the place setting or when resting on the plate. I have not been able to find a reference to any change in the handling of blades in any reputable source.

Has the blade rule changed? What is the etiquette for the proper handling of sharp, pointed objects?

GENTLE READER: Changed? Do you think that we few whose lifework it is to bring a bit of civilized behavior into a contentious world have time to fiddle with a perfectly workable rule? That we would bark out revisions such as, "OK, everybody! Switch your knives around!"

This rule dates from a time before hosts provided the place settings, when diners brought their hunting knives to the table -- and these were handy if the dinner conversation turned contentious.

Do you think that possibility is so unlikely now that the rule needs to be reversed?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My father has never been a stickler for manners or etiquette. However, at every birthday celebration, he insists that slices of cake be placed sideways on a person's plate with the frosting on the left and top so that you "eat toward the frosting." I agree with the frosting at the top of the plate for visual reasons, but I can't get behind the "frosting to the left" mandate. Is he correct?

GENTLE READER: No; the cake slice (unlike the knife) should point directly at the person who is about to demolish it. However, Miss Manners will grant an exception for your father's birthday.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am so tired of being addressed as "Ms. (Name)" during phone calls, when I do not refer to myself that way. I tell them that (Name) is my first name, not my last. How should I handle this?

GENTLE READER: By dropping it. There is no need to teach people not to treat you with respect. Most people will do that anyway.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Lately, people have been saying to me, "It is not my story to tell" when I ask about the welfare of friends who might be having problems, or after I find out something devastating about a friend I care deeply about.

For example, I found out a friend's brother had died. When I asked why no one had told me, I was told, "It's not my story to tell." Same for a friend whose husband was dying. Same for another friend whose mother had died. Same for a friend with dementia.

Do these people think those who are suffering should contact and notify every single person they know?

This answer would only make sense to me if the individual going through something told people not to say anything. This was not the case in the above-mentioned situations.

GENTLE READER: Are you telling Miss Manners that people are resisting gossiping? She is amazed.

But she is also amazed that, when you hear that something devastating happened to your dear friends, you don't get in touch with them. Not to hear the details firsthand, but to offer your sympathy -- and, if warranted, your help.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work in a customer service role. I often have people thank me, and I know the appropriate response is "You're welcome."

However, I often have clients express gratitude without actually saying the words "thank you." For example: "I appreciate your assistance with this."

It seems that their gratitude deserves a response, but "you're welcome" feels awkward. Is that the appropriate response? Am I just overthinking this?

GENTLE READER: Yes, you are. But as you are paying attention to the wording, rather than simply completing a rote exchange, you can vary your response. For example: "I was happy to be of assistance."

Of course, you could reply to all such remarks with "No problem," but that annoys many people. And "My pleasure" annoys Miss Manners.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I enjoy entertaining and cooking for people. When having a formal dinner party or something more casual, I'll always ask if guests care for a second helping.

On more than one occasion, a guest has responded, "No, but I'll take some home with me."

This takes me aback. I like to have leftovers. Also, I dislike packing up food in to-go containers, which I always do when this happens.

Should I just let it go? Or is there a response that doesn't deflate my guest, but gets the point across that my home isn't a carry-out restaurant?

GENTLE READER: If they are going to treat you as a restaurateur -- and Miss Manners has been hearing frequently about this rude request -- you may answer as one: "Sorry, but I don't do takeout."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband passed very suddenly and totally unexpectedly. Two months later, my cousin had a wedding.

As I was still in mourning, I wore black. Was it improper for me to wear black to the wedding? I was not involved in any aspect of the wedding other than attending.

GENTLE READER: Even under the strictest dress codes, Miss Manners assures you, wearing black at an otherwise festive occasion is permitted during mourning. But nowadays you might find the bridesmaids similarly dressed, even if they are not all recent widows.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)