Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband's family lives in different areas of the country, and we see them a few times a year. He likes to invite them to a local restaurant at our expense.

It is left up to me to find a nice restaurant and make the reservations. It could be a group as large as a dozen people. Why is it so difficult to get a response from them -- a simple yes or no?

I feel terrible making a reservation for a dozen people and then, on the day of the dinner, having to change the number.

Any suggestions to make this go a little smoother and keep my blood pressure down?

GENTLE READER: It's not just your husband's family. Apparently it is nearly everybody. Miss Manners is deluged with complaints from hosts who cannot get firm commitments from their guests.

They hedge, or they don't respond at all. They accept but do not attend, or decline but show up anyway -- sometimes with guests of their own.

All they have to do is decide whether they want to attend, inform the host of their decision (with thanks) and then do it, unless there is a death in the family.

Why is that so hard?

It should be noted that when the event is at a restaurant, or catered, as a wedding may be, some people make the mistake of thinking a head count is not important. Of course it is. The hosts are likely to be charged for no-shows.

But beyond that, treating an offer of hospitality like that is insulting. Someone has expressed a desire to see you and is willing to go to some trouble to entertain you. Failure to treat that overture as important, whether or not you accept the invitation, is a clear statement that the host means nothing to you.

Please forgive this rant. You know what they should do; the problem is that they don't. And we need to get your blood pressure down.

Can you stick your husband with this job? It's his family. Or you could pick one of the relatives, possibly the most negligent one, and issue a deadline by which that person should give the restaurant a final count directly. If nobody shows up one year, it will be a lesson learned.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter became engaged, and I joined her for several visits to bridal salons to look at wedding dresses. At each salon, the woman assisting us introduced herself, then offered congratulations to my daughter on her engagement.

I have always understood that one offers congratulations to a groom-to-be on his good fortune at being accepted by such a lovely lady. But saying "congratulations" to a lady implies that she is lucky to have found someone who would marry her.

I always say "best wishes" to the affianced lady, but somehow that does not seem sufficiently heartfelt these days. What is proper?

GENTLE READER: Proper-proper, as in a distinction only you and Miss Manners remember and follow? One that, if not followed, does no harm?

Yes, "best wishes" is proper. And the premise was exactly as you describe, which may explain why it has fallen out of use.

If you think "best wishes" is not enough, you could add "for your happiness."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Inevitably, at the start of every semester, a professor will introduce themselves and ask the class to call them by their first name.

I was raised to believe that elders, especially teachers, deserve respect, and that addressing them by their first name is very rude. As a result, I am uncomfortable doing this, and tend to just address them as "Um."

Should I just put my discomfort aside and use first names, or should I stick to calling them Mr./Ms. regardless of what they asked to be called?

GENTLE READER: What these professors intend to convey puzzles Miss Manners.

That you are all equals? Hardly. Equals cannot flunk one another. And while professors should be open to informed challenges from students, they are presumably more knowledgeable about the subject -- otherwise, the students are wasting their tuition.

Perhaps it is to assert that they are young and -- to use the old-fashioned expression -- "with it." Can they be sure that the students are not snickering at that claim? Anyway, voluntarily forgoing respect is not a youthful attribute.

But your question is how to deal with it. Try just saying "professor," but without the surname, so it is descriptive rather than a title. Or if you really want to make the point, you could use "sir" or "madam."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Without being rude, how do I convey to my adult, employed children that it is OK for them to pick up the tab once in a while when grabbing a meal of convenience?

I'm not talking about an invitation to dinner, but the times when, after a long day of whatever, we decide to order delivery together. Or when we are out shopping and it gets to be lunchtime. They have this general expectation that the elder will pay the bill.

We can all afford it, but I am bothered by the unspoken expectation because it seems that sharing the responsibility is part of being an adult.

GENTLE READER: First, strive to cease feeling bothered. Most grown children have had a lifetime of their parents' paying the bills, and while some are happy to treat them, others may not have given it any thought.

At the next such occasion, Miss Manners suggests your saying pleasantly, "Why don't you get this one?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I live in a reasonably spacious home with two guest rooms. We get lots of out-of-town visitors, whom we love to accommodate and entertain. They always tell us their arrival date, but very seldom am I informed of their departure plans.

Is it polite to ask when they plan to leave so that we can prepare for the next guests? What would be a polite way to present this question?

GENTLE READER: Unfortunately, you cannot really tell guests who are in your house when to leave. Fortunately, you can tell them before they arrive.

When issuing overnight invitations, Miss Manners strongly recommends mentioning the dates, as in, "We'd love to have you come and stay with us from the 10th to the 13th." As for those who invite themselves, and whose arrival dates you accept, you can add, "I hope you'll stay until that Monday."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the etiquette of videoconferencing -- or is it videoquette?

As I'm sure you and your readers are aware, since the pandemic, many business meetings continue to be held on videoconferencing platforms. As someone who wears hearing aids, I've actually found this to be a huge boon! Being able to see everyone straight-on as they speak and discreetly adjust the volume as needed has made such meetings much less stressful for me. I am not straining to hear while taking notes or missing the soft-spoken person in the corner. Bliss!

However, there is almost always at least one person (and maybe several) who keeps their camera off! This is fine if it's a big meeting, and we are all there just to hear a presentation. But in a smaller meeting to plan, discuss or share, I find this disconcerting and rude -- like someone eavesdropping on the conversation.

Sometimes, people who aren't on camera aren't even displayed as a name in a black box, and I forget they are there. Then all of a sudden they speak, usually on top of someone else, and everyone is startled at what feels like an intrusion.

There can be good reasons for staying off camera: Maybe the person is in a public place or shared workspace, or they are in a health care environment and don't want to risk displaying private patient information accidentally. A less-good reason is that they are working from home and their spare room is a mess. With all the nifty virtual backgrounds available, though, many of these problems could be fixed.

When I am the meeting leader, I will address this at the start, inviting people off camera to "join us" so we can all see each other. I've even gone so far as to cite my hearing challenges in my request. Even so, it's not uncommon for one or more folks to just stay off, with no explanation or apology.

Is it unreasonable or inappropriate for me to ask folks to turn on their cameras? Beyond a polite request or appealing to an accommodation of my disability, is there another way to approach this? Or do I just have to figure that they may be as uncomfortable on camera as I am not being able to see them?

GENTLE READER: Possibly. If the expectation is that cameras must be on, you may want to set guidelines for navigating the situations you describe: Is it preferable to have people skip the meeting in those cases, or attend off camera? You may also specify which meetings are more conducive to dialing in and which are not.

While it may not solve the problem entirely, Miss Manners thinks that employees would rather know the rules, and have a bit of flexibility within them, than to have to make up their own.

They should also do you the courtesy of contextualizing their decision so that you do not assume disrespect -- "The baby is about to wake up from a nap" being preferable to "I do not wish for you to see me in curlers."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)