Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it rude to say "nice to see you again" when someone introduces themselves as if you've never met? You don't really know until you get past this greeting whether someone remembers you or not.

As a longtime employee, I often remember those I've assisted over the years. I fear I've put people on the spot this way, when I was simply trying to convey some warmth upon seeing them again.

GENTLE READER: Recognizing a returning customer is flattering, but you do have to be prepared if others' memories are not as good as yours.

Miss Manners assumes that people of average acuity, when greeted as you propose, will have the grace to pretend remembering you. If they look surprised, then you may offer minimal additional information ("I helped you when you were here last week") lest they start looking for the exits.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My in-laws retired and moved to a remote part of the country that is quite expensive to fly to, and would take several days to drive to. We visited when they first moved two years ago, but no one has really visited them since.

We received a letter stating there would be a family reunion at their property, along with a list of all the expensive things they have done in preparation for this reunion. Not a single family member lives in their state, so this is an ordeal for all relatives involved, and there were no such reunions when we all lived in the same area.

It seems to be an attempt to draw in visitors. We received another letter stating that this will be the "first annual" reunion, implying they expect this yearly.

My husband and I are fine going this one time, as it would be nice to see everyone, but we also agree that we will not be doing this yearly -- we would like to have vacation money to experience other places besides their backyard.

They are quite well off, so they can afford to visit us whenever they like, and I have already extended an open invitation. But they are easily hurt and prone to giving the silent treatment (sometimes for a year or so) when angry.

My husband does not want to broach the topic, but I feel that it will be better to get it over with so they can be mad and then recover. How should we approach this with them?

GENTLE READER: Accepting the invitation for this year does not, technically, commit you to future attendance. But Miss Manners agrees with you that it will allow your in-laws to say, next year, that they took your silence to mean you were in favor of an annual event.

She agrees with your husband, however, in not looking for trouble. You need to establish that you accept or decline invitations on a one-by-one basis -- which can most easily be done if you are not available to attend this year. If they ask about future years, you will then have your opening to say that with everyone's schedules, you simply don't know; you would like to attend when you can, but many times, it may not be possible.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work in the wedding industry, and I have been rather flummoxed by a recent trend: It seems to have become the fashion for the bride and groom to order themselves a special meal, of a higher caliber and price point than what their guests are having.

An example might be that all of the guests have a choice of roast chicken or a pork chop, but the groom has ordered himself a 20-ounce porterhouse.

I realize that the bridal couple sees this as "their special day," but as they are completely on display at the head table, this display of luxury is not exactly subtle. Also, as I try to explain to them during the planning process, a bride and groom will rarely get to enjoy their meal at the reception anyway, what with all of the interruptions from speeches and the like.

In any case, I find this to be in very bad taste, and would love to have the input of Miss Manners.

GENTLE READER: It is hard to resist the temptation to point out that it is the wedding industry that came up with idea that a "special day" is one on which the couple can do whatever they want. In other words, a day on which etiquette, in the form of consideration for one's guests, is suspended.

Thank you for trying to disabuse them of this vulgar notion, but it is probably too thoroughly ingrained.

Even wedding guests who complain to Miss Manners of mistreatment add, "But I know it's their day, and they can do whatever they want." Including being rude.

If it is any help, you might mention that however impressed the couple hopes their guests will be at their wedding arrangements, the mealtime discrepancy is all they will talk about afterwards. And sometimes during.

You might also mention that the very concept of suspending etiquette is a bad way to start a marriage. Another frequent complaint Miss Manners receives is from the spouses of people who believe that they can "be themselves" at home -- by which they mean not having to be polite to those they live with.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I adore shrimp and mussels. When eating with family and close friends, I use my fingers to remove the shrimp tails and pull the mussels out of the shells. But in public, or with people I don't know well, I order something else because I don't know how to eat them without using my hands.

I've tried the usual table implements, and just end up with the broth or sauce spattered all over the immediate vicinity.

GENTLE READER: Not your fault. Miss Manners believes that restaurants are obliged to enable their customers to eat what they order in as dignified a way as possible. And that means doing away with the silly custom of leaving the shell on the shrimp.

What you need for those mussels is a teeny-weeny fork plus one hand, but not two. Holding the shell in one hand, you spear the mussel with the fork.

She therefore authorizes you to ask that the shell and the tails be removed from the shrimp, and that you be provided with a shellfish fork for the mussels.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Two overused phrases bother me:

1. "That's a great question."

The first time someone said that to me, I thought I must be clever. Now, that phrase is so overused, it's just filler until they can come up with a response. Perhaps when they do, I should say, "That's a great answer!"

Another comment used too often:

2. "Perfect."

Used to be, there was a perfect sunset or a perfect storm or something you created turned out perfect -- or when Murphy's law was ruling my life, and anything that could go wrong did, I'd mutter, "Perfect."

Now, if you can recite your account number correctly, the response is "Perfect!"

And don't get me started on the requirement for customer service reps to be "chirpy." I'll take one who is friendly, professional and knowledgeable over chirpy any day.

GENTLE READER: That the stalling technique has become commonplace disappoints Miss Manners. She had been thinking what a nice ruse it was. Not that she has ever had to use it.

And "perfect" is one of several unwarranted superlatives in common use. Miss Manners finds "amazing" and "incredible" even more annoying when applied to unsurprising, perfectly believable actions.

So it is with some understanding that she asks you to tolerate these common usages. You will probably get more sympathy from the language department.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am soon to host a semiformal dinner -- and no, I don't know exactly what that means (I was kind of roped into it). I plan to have hors d'oeuvres, soup, salad, a main course, dessert and coffee.

I don't know what order to serve the dishes in. I really don't think the soup and salad should be served one after the other, but can't say why. Can Miss Manners please advise?

GENTLE READER: Your instinct about this is better than your experience.

Indeed, many people now serve salad before the main course, and argue that it is better to fill up on that than on the protein and carbohydrates that follow. (And yet they eat those, anyway.)

Traditionally, the salad follows the main course, but restaurants generally serve salad first, and people have come to believe that the practices of restaurants represent the best service.

They fail to realize that restaurants have to work around problems that private households do not. For instance: You know what you will serve, but restaurants can only guess which of their choices will be ordered by their clients -- who are hungry, or they wouldn't be there. So restaurants stave them off with bread and salads until their orders are ready.

Miss Manners thanks you for calling the main course a main course, not an entree. An entree is a course served between the first and main ones. In violation of her own plea, above, to tolerate common usage, she is annoyed at the misuse of this term.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When someone gives you a gift, what do you do?

GENTLE READER: Offer thanks and refrain from mentioning that it is not to your taste -- and that anyway, you already have one.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)