Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What’s the “right” time to throw away greeting cards? When friends or family send birthday or other greeting cards, I generally read them and then throw them away, to my husband’s consternation.

My view is that I can throw them away now, or stick them in a box and throw them away in 20 years.

GENTLE READER: True. But if it bothers your husband, compromise by throwing them away now -- but out of his sight.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I feel like my words are not heard when I communicate with others, especially customer service exchanges and with persons such as social workers and medical case managers.

I repeat myself over and over. No matter how I rephrase my need, it’s casually brushed off or flat-out ignored. I am not in a position to change providers in these circumstances.

What do you say, that is still polite and kind, when you’re not being heard or acknowledged? I dread these conversations, and often have trouble falling asleep after an exchange goes south.

GENTLE READER: “I feel that I’m not being heard,” repeated as often as necessary until you are.

Of course, do not blame Miss Manners if, much like their AI counterparts, these customer service agents mechanically respond, “I’m sorry you feel that way. Did I solve the problem?”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have decided on a destination wedding, and we understand the financial burden this places on those who wish to attend. We truly appreciate those who are generously giving of their time and finances to pay for travel and accommodations for several nights in a relatively high-end resort town during tourist season.

We would like to strongly convey to our guests that the travel is all the gift we could want or ask for. We share Miss Manners’ views on wedding registries and will not be having one, and we have told all who ask that their presence is the greatest gift they could give.

Many are not satisfied. In fact, some have gone as far as to tell us that by saying we don’t want gifts, we are just drawing more attention to the subject of gifts.

Please help us to kindly convey our sincere gratitude to those attending and deter those who feel required to do more.

GENTLE READER: It is so ingrained in modern wedding guests to follow a registry that they are often inclined to lash out when they are not told what to buy.

Miss Manners appreciates, however, that you are only telling people who ask that you do not require presents -- rendering them the ones drawing attention to it, not you. Deflection is about all you can do. That, and declining to hand out a shopping list so they don’t have to think, which is probably the real source of their annoyance.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friend and I have known each other for many years. This woman is always late, even though she has no children living at home and her husband is away frequently.

We get together for lunch a few times a month, and I can’t remember her being on time more than once or twice. There is always an excuse. I’ve even tried making jokes about it, and she doesn’t change.

The last time we planned to get together, she was a half-hour late. Granted, she did text, saying she was detained because her neighbor caught her on the way out the door and started talking. (Personally, I would have told my neighbor I had an appointment and that I would talk to her later.) These excuses never involve an emergency -- just that she was talking with a neighbor, or she stopped at a store to do an errand, etc.

That day, when my friend finally got to the restaurant parking lot, I lost it and confronted her. I then got in my vehicle and left. I’m tired of feeling like she couldn't care less if we meet or not.

Of course, a few days later, I sent a text apologizing very sincerely. No response. I tried calling -- no answer. I even went to her home, and no one answered the door. Not sure if she was home or not.

Finally, she sent me a very condescending text. She stated that she needed to have no contact with me for a few months. She said she could not handle the way I spoke to her.

I know I was wrong, and I apologized, but she acts like she has never done anything wrong -- that she is always right and being late is no big deal.

GENTLE READER: Did you convince her that there was plenty of blame to go around? Miss Manners suspects not.

Yelling at someone, and then having to apologize, almost guarantees you will not be heard.

Only next time -- if there is a next time -- will you be able to say, “Again, I’m sorry that I was rude, and I’m sorry that I didn’t say something sooner and more calmly. But it bothers me that you are never on time.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When dining at a buffet just before closing, I had finished and my mother was lingering over her meal. If the closing time is known, shouldn’t we make the effort to finish and leave by that time, or else order the meal to go?

GENTLE READER: That would be a kindness to the waitstaff. You also owe consideration to your mother, by not rushing her through a meal.

Keep both in mind as you gently urge your mother through dessert -- while simultaneously conveying to the staff, with a look, that you intend to vacate the premises before dawn.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a high school student attending a boarding school. Every month, the school runs a bus from campus to a local shopping mall. It’s a fun way to spend time with friends, do some shopping and grab dinner.

Last month, my friends and I signed up for the mall trip to purchase some new clothes before a school dance in the evening. Unfortunately, not all went as planned.

One of the other students took the bus to the mall, decided to leave early and took a car service back to campus. This is completely against school rules.

Because no one could get in touch with him, we had to wait around at the mall while they tried to locate him. We all ended up missing the dance.

We were upset, saying that this student was selfish and that he should apologize. But his friends defended him, arguing that one of the chaperones could have waited around at the mall for him while the other chaperone escorted the rest of the students back to campus.

What do you think?

GENTLE READER: That arguing with people who inconvenienced themselves to make sure their classmate was OK, which is what your friends did, is not just rude, but also short-sighted.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My elderly mom lives alone, and I live a few hours away. Her next-door neighbors have two sons, who have helped out many times with shoveling snow.

They refuse payment. Their mother says it’s important that her children do kind things for others without expecting payment. I admire and respect their family’s values, and I am trying to raise my children the same way.

Now my mom is hospitalized, and her lawn service has stopped showing up, leaving some very long grass. The neighbor’s son, now in his 20s, is mowing the lawn and again refusing payment, though my family is able to afford it. My mother had a payment lined up for her regular lawn service.

I would like to do something nice for these neighbors to show our gratitude, but I also do not wish to insult them by pushing money on them. I am lining up a new lawn service as fast as possible, so hopefully this is a one-time occurrence. Would it be appropriate to give them a thank-you note with a gift card for a takeout meal?

GENTLE READER: You really want to pay, don’t you?

As you know, this goes counter to the wishes of your benefactor. Miss Manners would prefer you send a really good letter of thanks, and is willing to have you add a small gift. But it must be something other than currency, even disguised currency -- something, rather, that demonstrates you have taken the time to think about what they might like.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A co-worker brought me dinner after my recent surgery. Was I obligated to ask her to stay for dinner?

GENTLE READER: To hear, over a meal, the details of your surgery?

No. Miss Manners believes that your co-worker understood that the meal was an act of kindness for someone who is not currently in a position to cook -- nor to act as a host. That can be done when you are fully recovered.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)