DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is your opinion on vulgar language and risque jokes among a same-sex crowd?

I’m a man, and was brought up with the rule that a gentleman never uses certain words or tells certain jokes in the presence of ladies, but that this was acceptable (and even expected) when it was "just the guys." Indeed, a certain amount of coarse talk was considered a natural bonding experience in environments like locker rooms, drinking establishments, the military, etc.

Now that the sexes mix more, I am noticing more women using such talk when they are among men. What is allowed, and what is improper?

GENTLE READER: Funny how locker-room talk and lewd behavior is considered acceptable when it is just the guys, but let women in on the "fun" and suddenly it becomes vulgar.

Offensive is offensive, no matter who is present. Miss Manners advises you to abide by that rule, rather than the one that involves whether or not a certain gender or demographic is present. It is prudent to do so -- if not out of decency, then in case an active recording device is near.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do you respond to people who never reciprocate?

We casually hang out with a very social couple and their only son. Our kids have been friends for eight years. For that long, they’ve come over to our house for various dinners, holiday parties, drinks, coffee after the kids’ hangouts, etc. Sometimes they drop off their son.

Yet they’ve never asked us over in return. More bothersome, they’ve never asked our son over. I’ve only seen their house for 30 minutes in all these years, when the wife once asked me to help her choose paint swatches. The place was immaculate and beautiful.

Since COVID, we’ve scaled back and reevaluated, only hosting close friends who reciprocate. They got wind of it, grew paranoid and now pressure us frequently, saying, “We’re expecting you to invite us over too, anytime now!” Then they texted, “Which day next month works for us to visit for the day? We really want to come over.” They even had their son ask ours about visiting. Frankly, it’s gotten weird.

We’re busy with several kids, and it’s a lot of work. Maybe they dislike hosting, but they should not expect us to keep doing it. We feel used.

I don’t want to invite them anymore, but I also don’t want to mess up our sons’ friendship. We have other friends in common, so we will see them around. How do we set firm boundaries and let them know the one-way hosting is over?

GENTLE READER: “I’m afraid that our schedule has gotten out of control and we have other demands. But you are welcome to borrow Jordan, if Tayden is available.” This falls just short of rudely demanding an invitation -- although Miss Manners acknowledges that your friends have no such compunction.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What’s the “right” time to throw away greeting cards? When friends or family send birthday or other greeting cards, I generally read them and then throw them away, to my husband’s consternation.

My view is that I can throw them away now, or stick them in a box and throw them away in 20 years.

GENTLE READER: True. But if it bothers your husband, compromise by throwing them away now -- but out of his sight.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I feel like my words are not heard when I communicate with others, especially customer service exchanges and with persons such as social workers and medical case managers.

I repeat myself over and over. No matter how I rephrase my need, it’s casually brushed off or flat-out ignored. I am not in a position to change providers in these circumstances.

What do you say, that is still polite and kind, when you’re not being heard or acknowledged? I dread these conversations, and often have trouble falling asleep after an exchange goes south.

GENTLE READER: “I feel that I’m not being heard,” repeated as often as necessary until you are.

Of course, do not blame Miss Manners if, much like their AI counterparts, these customer service agents mechanically respond, “I’m sorry you feel that way. Did I solve the problem?”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have decided on a destination wedding, and we understand the financial burden this places on those who wish to attend. We truly appreciate those who are generously giving of their time and finances to pay for travel and accommodations for several nights in a relatively high-end resort town during tourist season.

We would like to strongly convey to our guests that the travel is all the gift we could want or ask for. We share Miss Manners’ views on wedding registries and will not be having one, and we have told all who ask that their presence is the greatest gift they could give.

Many are not satisfied. In fact, some have gone as far as to tell us that by saying we don’t want gifts, we are just drawing more attention to the subject of gifts.

Please help us to kindly convey our sincere gratitude to those attending and deter those who feel required to do more.

GENTLE READER: It is so ingrained in modern wedding guests to follow a registry that they are often inclined to lash out when they are not told what to buy.

Miss Manners appreciates, however, that you are only telling people who ask that you do not require presents -- rendering them the ones drawing attention to it, not you. Deflection is about all you can do. That, and declining to hand out a shopping list so they don’t have to think, which is probably the real source of their annoyance.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friend and I have known each other for many years. This woman is always late, even though she has no children living at home and her husband is away frequently.

We get together for lunch a few times a month, and I can’t remember her being on time more than once or twice. There is always an excuse. I’ve even tried making jokes about it, and she doesn’t change.

The last time we planned to get together, she was a half-hour late. Granted, she did text, saying she was detained because her neighbor caught her on the way out the door and started talking. (Personally, I would have told my neighbor I had an appointment and that I would talk to her later.) These excuses never involve an emergency -- just that she was talking with a neighbor, or she stopped at a store to do an errand, etc.

That day, when my friend finally got to the restaurant parking lot, I lost it and confronted her. I then got in my vehicle and left. I’m tired of feeling like she couldn't care less if we meet or not.

Of course, a few days later, I sent a text apologizing very sincerely. No response. I tried calling -- no answer. I even went to her home, and no one answered the door. Not sure if she was home or not.

Finally, she sent me a very condescending text. She stated that she needed to have no contact with me for a few months. She said she could not handle the way I spoke to her.

I know I was wrong, and I apologized, but she acts like she has never done anything wrong -- that she is always right and being late is no big deal.

GENTLE READER: Did you convince her that there was plenty of blame to go around? Miss Manners suspects not.

Yelling at someone, and then having to apologize, almost guarantees you will not be heard.

Only next time -- if there is a next time -- will you be able to say, “Again, I’m sorry that I was rude, and I’m sorry that I didn’t say something sooner and more calmly. But it bothers me that you are never on time.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When dining at a buffet just before closing, I had finished and my mother was lingering over her meal. If the closing time is known, shouldn’t we make the effort to finish and leave by that time, or else order the meal to go?

GENTLE READER: That would be a kindness to the waitstaff. You also owe consideration to your mother, by not rushing her through a meal.

Keep both in mind as you gently urge your mother through dessert -- while simultaneously conveying to the staff, with a look, that you intend to vacate the premises before dawn.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)