DEAR MISS MANNERS: We live next to a couple in their mid-60s (we are in our early 50s). They have been great neighbors since we moved in seven years ago.

The wife is a wedding florist and brings me a fresh bouquet of flowers each month. In exchange, I give her lots of vegetables from my garden and will water her outdoor plants when they go out of town. They have a pool and will also give us permission to swim a few times per year.

One Saturday, when she was away from the house for a wedding, I saw her husband in his swim trunks with his back to me, and he appeared to be peeing in the yard. It was broad daylight! I kept watching to make sure the spurting I saw wasn’t coming from a hose, and sure enough, after he had finished, he turned around and was adjusting the front part of his trunks. No garden hose in sight.

He did not see me, so he doesn’t know I witnessed this. Because his wife was away, she doesn’t know about this either. My guess is if she knew, she would read him the riot act.

I really like this couple, but I am also really disgusted. It feels beyond disrespectful, to the point of being a visual assault. I want to tell his wife, but I’m afraid it would upset her, and change the relationship forever.

I also feel like the egregious nature of his behavior is forcing me into silence -- basically that it’s so embarrassing for everyone involved that I’m powerless to say anything. As a woman and a feminist, this makes me really angry that he has put me in this position.

Should I have said something in the moment? If so, what? Or is there some way to address it with them after the fact?

GENTLE READER: No. You may never want to swim there again, but the chance of your solving that problem is slim, while the chance of your creating multiple problems is enormous.

However unappetizing the act, it was done on private property by the owner, who could reasonably expect to be unobserved. Miss Manners fails to see how this attacks you as a feminist.

Had he committed a crime, you should have reported it to the authorities. Had he been embracing another woman, there might be a difficult question of whether to inform his wife. Even so, you would have to be positive that it wasn’t his favorite cousin whom he was congratulating on her engagement.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A gentleman is eating in a crowded diner. Across the way, he sees a young woman alone in a booth. Her pocketbook falls out of her purse onto the floor. She doesn’t notice.

He approaches: "Miss, excuse me ..." She interrupts and says, “I have a boyfriend! And why do you assume I’m a ‘miss’?!”

He apologizes for bothering her and leaves. Should he have done anything differently?

GENTLE READER: Kept her wallet? Well, no, although leaving it where it fell would be no more than this person deserved.

However, Miss Manners feels that there might have been a corrective lesson about the dangers of insult-collecting if the gentleman ignored the attack and stated his purpose in addressing her.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Returning to the United States after several years of living in Europe, I have noticed that “athleisure” wear is acceptable everywhere, and that wearing baseball hats in restaurants (done by people of all ages, races and genders) is now OK too.

What happened? Can we blame COVID for this, too? Do I just need to get over myself and not judge others so harshly?

I feel like this should not bother me so much, but it strikes a nerve.

GENTLE READER: A number of things have happened, including these notions gaining dominance:

1. The desire for comfort.

We all sympathize with this. But although notoriously uncomfortable clothes are still worn -- stiletto heels, tight pants, for example -- judicious shopping and tailoring can result in perfectly comfortable dressy clothes. Miss Manners would have thought that time in quarantine would have made people tired of pajamas and athleisure, but apparently not.

2. The new challenge to professional behavior (which was already slipping) by the concept of “bringing one’s whole self to work.”

A newly widespread -- and long-overdue -- realization that personal life is important has had strange side effects on workplace behavior. One is the discovery that revealing the personal side of one’s life to colleagues does not always result in the kind of tolerance to be expected from friends. Nor do clients, customers and other such contacts want to deal with you personally when they are trying to deal with the workplace you represent.

3. The notion that there is something snobbish and elitist about dressing up.

And yet everyone craves some variety. This is why people who have never dressed up go wild when proms and weddings provide an excuse to do so.

4. A distaste for seeming grown-up in a youth-oriented, ageist culture.

Time was when children looked forward to wearing clothes associated with adulthood. No more. Adults are under the illusion that if they wear the same plainclothes as children, nobody will notice that they keep growing older.

5. The declaration that clothing choice is trivial, in comparison to global problems.

Please forgive Miss Manners an uncharacteristic “Duh!” And yet, clothing is still an important cultural factor in our everyday lives. (See below.)

6. The failure to acknowledge that clothing is a symbolic system.

This is the strangest one of all. Everyone will claim to dress solely for comfort (see above) or to express themselves. Still, clothing choices are limited, so that alleged self-expression takes one of a small vocabulary of forms.

So while everyone denies using the symbolism, everyone is also busy reading the symbols to judge others.

7. The failure to understand why a symbolic system is needed when it is what is inside the person that matters.

Because it is so hard to see inside.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been sending birthday and Christmas gifts to my (adult) nieces since they were babies. I never get a thanks, or even confirmation that the gifts were received. Perhaps my efforts are better expended elsewhere?

GENTLE READER: Perhaps.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in a small town where there are many opportunities to know your neighbors’ troubles and help if you can. In the past two months, there have been two families needing help. One friend suffered an illness, and another’s family home burned to the ground.

I helped the first friend by driving and running errands. Another friend of that family set up an app where people could sign up to donate meals. I didn’t sign up, as I was already helping in another way.

Three friends forwarded the app to me, as they saw I hadn’t signed up: “Hey -- did you get this??”

For the other family, I dropped off a gift card from the grocery store. Someone then set up a social media fundraiser, where the majority of folks chose to donate with their names listed. Since I’m not on the list, I’m getting the same question, with the implication I haven’t helped: “Hey -- didn’t you see the app?”

I don’t want to feel as though I need to explain, but how do I avoid the “app shaming”?

GENTLE READER: In the current climate, the idea of not getting credit for your good deeds is unthinkable. Social media has only made it more public -- and easier to shame those who choose not to, or who use a more discreet method for their charitable acts.

Miss Manners therefore suggests that, when asked if you have seen the app, you respond by saying dismissively, “I did, but I already donated privately.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As family gathered after the funeral of my beloved husband, an in-law with little connection to him insisted I collect hair from his hairbrush.

“It’s not too late to get a DNA analysis and ensure that he was really as much of a [specific ethnic group] as he said he was,” she told me. When I demurred, she said she’d do it herself.

My spouse would never have agreed to such a thing, and his near relatives were horrified. Any thoughts on a response?

GENTLE READER: “Please don’t.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my nephew got married, I couldn’t attend the wedding, so I wanted to send a nice gift. But when I looked at their wedding registry, all that was left were things like a bathroom trash can, drawer dividers and other things I felt were not appropriate as gifts.

The other options they gave were $20 gift cards, bank cards or a direct payment to them. Unfortunately, the registry also concealed their address and said it was “private,” so I couldn’t just send them something else. (I’m sure I could have asked and received their address, though.)

I find it odd to request cash or a bank card. Maybe it’s a generational thing? I ended up buying gift cards. I would have given one big sum, but stopped at just two $20 cards because I felt ridiculous buying a handful. What should I have done?

GENTLE READER: Asked for and received that address. And then bought the couple an original and thoughtful present of your own choosing.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)