Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If 19th-century “upper crust” Americans thought that aping British aristocracy was the height of sophistication, how is it that the American style of eating (swapping the fork from the right hand to the left, and then back again) became the American standard?

GENTLE READER: Actually, those Americans were using the style of eating prevalent in Europe when their forebears emigrated to the United States, and just didn’t change when Europeans dumbed down the rules.

A note of caution here: It is never the most advantaged layer of society -- aristocrats, or what you call the upper crust -- who welcome change. Being on top, they think things are just fine as they are. Rather, it is those on the rise who seek ways to distinguish themselves from those whose ranks they have risen above.

The fork arrived in England long after it did in Italy and France, and in the 19th century, there were still some landed aristocrats who resisted its use. And when they did use it, it was to replace the knife or spoon hitherto in use in the right hand.

It was the newly rich beneficiaries of the Industrial Revolution who invented specialized flatware -- and, unpleasantly, used it as a social test. Aristocrats scorned this as long as they could. But that was only until the prudence of their marrying into the moneyed set became obvious.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please help me politely decline when asked to purchase things for a children's fundraiser.

While I certainly have no objection to helping a good cause, it is irksome when adult friends call me, expecting a purchase on behalf of grandchildren I don’t even know. They pressure all their friends to make significant purchases, while the kids get no lesson or “entrepreneurial experience.”

Please help with an inoffensive reply.

GENTLE READER: Either “I’ll have half a dozen of those” or “Thank you, no,” depending on whether or not you want the product.

Miss Manners is all for teaching children about business -- just not that they can unload the selling job on others, nor that they can use social pressure to force people to buy things they do not want.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When you’ve invited people over for a meal, should you plan for the meal to be ready a little before the guests’ arrival, so you can eat immediately? Or should it be ready a little after their arrival time, so you can budget for all the greetings, niceties, showing them around, etc.?

GENTLE READER: What is the traffic and parking situation in your neighborhood?

Miss Manners is afraid that your guests are in for a lot of overcooked food if you time meals to be ready before the hour you have invited them.

It is not that she condones the absurd notion of being “fashionably late.” Polite guests arrive at or shortly after the designated time.

Cocktail hour was not invented only for the liquor. Whatever kind of drink you serve, you need the time to allow guests to shed their coats and assemble before you lead them to the table.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m what they call a HENRY: High Earner, Not Rich Yet. I’m a single woman in my mid-40s who works in the financial arena. I have a stable government job, a sizable 401(k) and will receive a decent pension.

I really enjoy talking about finance and money. It’s not only part of my profession, but a personal passion. I’ve worked hard to get where I am today, and a recent inheritance will get me pretty close to achieving financial independence.

However, I’m starting to realize that it’s probably best if I don’t discuss my financial situation with other people. What is the appropriate boundary regarding financial matters? Is it nobody else’s business?

Would a close friend be offended if one day they found out I was a millionaire and I hadn’t told them? What about dating?

I’m very fortunate to have financial security and to be set up for a comfortable retirement, which I can hopefully take sooner than later. I have no plans for anything extravagant, I just want to maintain my current modest standard of living.

GENTLE READER: Indeed, you are fortunate. Pointing that out to others is called bragging.

It is not endearing, not even to people as rich or richer than you. The exception would be fortune-hunters, if that is what you are looking for by asking permission to tell dates that you are a millionaire.

But Miss Manners is not trying to prevent you from discussing your field. It should be easy to find people who are interested in hearing about the economy. Just please don’t embarrass yourself and others -- who can easily assume you mean it competitively -- by revealing your personal wealth.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I enjoy entertaining friends and family for formal dinners. When everyone has completed their meal and the conversations are continuing, I will invite everyone to relax around the table as I begin to clear the dishes.

Too often, guests, in a polite attempt to be helpful, will clear the entire table. Dishes, flatware, candles, glasses, leftovers, linens pile up in the kitchen. Then they insist on helping in the kitchen. I end up directing guests to do things I could accomplish much more efficiently myself.

What should be a quiet, simple task instead becomes a complicated annoyance. Is there a polite way to insist my guests stay seated at the table, or is this the small price I must pay to enjoy an otherwise pleasant evening?

GENTLE READER: But you were not relaxing and enjoying a pleasant evening -- you were cleaning up. So of course your guests felt awkward about sitting around while you worked.

Miss Manners receives two sets of complaints about guests’ helping: that they do and that they don’t. Ordinarily, she cautions guests to follow the host’s instructions, and hosts to insist upon them. But she appreciates the unwillingness to comply when the host sets an opposite example.

Please follow your own instructions.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was a single dad for eight years, raising my daughter. We had, and maintain, an awesome father-daughter relationship. We have done road trips and vacations, and I coached her soccer team for seven years.

A few years ago, she joined a gym with her mom. She is no longer doing soccer, theater or any other activities -- just working out six days a week with her "gym friends," who happen to be young adults. She is an excellent student and can balance school and the gym.

I support her activities, but I’m only allowed to drop her off and pick her up. My daughter has expressed to me many times that she likes keeping her worlds apart, so I have done this for several years out of respect for her wishes.

My daughter's 16th birthday is coming up, and her mom is throwing her a surprise party the day before her actual birthday and inviting only her gym friends. My ex-wife and I have an excellent communication relationship about our only child, and she told me about the surprise party, but said she thinks it would be weird for our daughter and her gym friends if I showed up.

I would have some serious FOMO if I didn’t attend. Yes, I know it’s not about me, but I’m her dad and nothing is more important than an event for my daughter.

My new wife also feels I should respect my daughter’s consistent wishes and not attend this one function. We do have other amazingly fun activities planned for her birthday, but my daughter requested no parties with the school friends that I know.

I am super torn. I want to respect her independence and maturity, and yet can’t help feeling like I'm missing out on a meaningful event in her life.

GENTLE READER: And yet, it could easily turn into the negative connotation of “meaningful” if you disregard your daughter’s wishes. You have cited such respect as evidence of the success of your father-daughter relationship.

As you have a good relationship with your ex-wife, perhaps you can ask her if you may provide the cake or another surprise. This will let your daughter know you are thinking of her, but also give you points for respecting her request.

Miss Manners suggests that you further resist sending your daughter a message that you will be nearby if she changes her mind.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper way to excuse oneself to use the ladies’ room, particularly in a formal setting?

GENTLE READER: “Excuse me.” Or if the occasion is truly that formal, “Excuse me, Your Majesty.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)