Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Could you suggest alternative replies to “I’m sorry” when one hears bad or unsettling news from family or friends?

When one hears “I lost my job,” "My husband has cancer” or other bad news, a common response is “I’m sorry” to show our empathy. Yet, “I’m sorry” is a sort of apology, accepting one’s responsibility for an undesirable outcome. And the bearer of bad news often replies, “You’ve nothing to be sorry about. You didn’t cause this.”

An alternative might be a simple “I understand,” “That’s rough” or “Oh my. Tell me about it,” depending on the exact situation.

What do you advise in today’s hypersensitive environment?

GENTLE READER: Not being so insensitive as to rebuff clear expressions of empathy.

People do sometimes say hurtful things in response to suffering -- usually some form of telling the sufferer to get over it -- but “I’m sorry” is not one of them.

Obviously what it means, in that context, is that one is sorry that such a bad thing happened. One can feel sorry about many things without being the agent who caused them.

But if we are going to be persnickety about kind remarks, Miss Manners can think of objections to your suggestions:

“I understand” -- no, you do not, because you are not going through the same thing.

“That’s rough” -- sounds flippant when applied to a tragedy.

“Tell me about it” -- confidences on sensitive matters should be voluntary, not solicited out of curiosity.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I am at home by myself, I like to scrape shavings off the top of a stick of butter, making the butter easier to spread. But I wonder if that is impolite. Should I, especially with company, cut off a small slab from the end?

GENTLE READER: What you need is a butter curler -- not easy to find, but the proper instrument for scraping a long, thin curl of butter.

When you are alone, you may attack your butter however you choose. Miss Manners is not peeking in your window.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A few months ago, I had a local plumbing company come to my house for some drain cleaning and to have the main pipes snaked. It was a lot of work and a messy job. The company is very well known in the area and receives 4+ stars in customer reviews.

Afterwards, I wanted to make a goodwill gesture, so I took a box of candy and a card to the company's office. The owner’s wife works in the office, and as I walked in and started to express my appreciation, she mentioned what a bad job it had been. She then repeated it, then said, "You are lucky you have us.”

Sure, I am happy to have a reliable company to do this kind of work for me, but I left there feeling like a second-class citizen for trying to show appreciation. How would you have responded to a remark like that?

GENTLE READER: “Yes; I came here to thank you and say that, but never mind. You beat me to it.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I know this may sound like a silly question, but what exactly is the proper etiquette for getting on and off an elevator? Is there even a proper way?

It seems that when people wait right by the door, it makes for an awkward moment when the doors open. But I, too, am guilty of waiting right at the door.

GENTLE READER: Rather than telling you to back off from the entrance, or to exit according to age, gender or any other factor you can discern instantly among your fellow passengers, Miss Manners will give you a guiding principle:

Do not create logjams.

Therefore, do not block the entrance to the elevator car so that people getting out will have to walk around you. Once inside, do not stand in the front if others are boarding. If you are not getting off at a particular floor, do not stand in the way of those who are.

The principle even overrides conventionally polite gestures. For example, while it would be charming to let an older person exit first, do not do so if your action would block others from exiting.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What exactly is a “pocketbook”? I always thought it was a lady’s wallet, but does it instead refer to the entire purse/handbag?

GENTLE READER: Yes, it means the reticule -- another term you probably don’t know.

But as “pocketbook” has also been used to refer to pocket-sized books (and a slang meaning that Miss Manners will not repeat), it has pretty much fallen out of use in its original sense.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Most of my extensive family members live a few states away from mine. One relative in particular has a beautiful, large home and wonderful hosting skills. They always insist we stay with them when we are in town, and we love to do so -- especially since we are able to spend all of our time with family instead of in a hotel room. We are always treated wonderfully when we are there.

My problem is that I don’t know how to repay them. I’ve occasionally convinced them to allow me to take them out to dinner, and I’ve sent tokens of appreciation, but it never feels like enough to me.

It’s not possible for us to make anything to bring, as we travel by air. Is it rude to bring gift cards for a local store that they frequent? Do you have any other ideas?

GENTLE READER: Taking them out, offering your help, not being a nuisance, sending presents -- and, of course, reciprocating when possible -- are all good ways of thanking hosts.

But there is an enormously effective, nearly cost-free way to do this -- a way that many people, including you, tend to overlook or dismiss: Write them a letter about what these visits mean to you. Not just a letter of thanks for each stay, but a general summation of how much pleasure they give you, how much you admire the way they live, and how they have enhanced your lives.

In other words, the kind of things you would say about them if they had just died. Instead, you will be giving them the pleasure of knowing how much you value them.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a couple of friends who text me infrequently. Their texts are always things like, “You home?” “Whatcha doing?” “You busy?”

I never know how to respond. If I say “Yes, I’m home” or “I’m doing nothing,” they then ask if I want to get together for a drink. Since they have already established that I am not busy, it seems rude if I say no. But if I say “Why?” when they ask if I'm busy, that also seems rude on my part.

What do you suggest? How can I politely respond while indicating I’d like to know what the real question is? I like these friends, and do enjoy a drink, but I’d prefer to be asked, “Hey, want to go get a drink?”

GENTLE READER: Just because you are home does not mean that you are doing nothing. If you want to arm yourself with an excuse proactively, Miss Manners suggests responding with “reading,” “cleaning” or “washing my hair,” as the case may be -- or an all-purpose “catching up” or “winding down.”

If those do not deter your spontaneous friends, “I’m in for the evening, but would love to make plans for another day” is also valid.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I often socialize with a wide range of friends and acquaintances without my husband -- and the father of our children -- present. If the person I’m chatting with doesn’t know my husband, is it better to refer to “my” child or “our” child?

It’s especially challenging if I’m dog-walking with a male friend and we stop to talk with other dog-walkers who don’t know our relationship. If I refer to “our” child, I fear the friendly dog-lovers will think the man I’m with is the father. A small concern, to be sure, but I want to appropriately give credit where credit is due.

GENTLE READER: It is perfectly fine to say “my.” Miss Manners feels certain your husband will relinquish joint credit in his absence, rather than have to explain to strangers why someone else is posing as his child’s father.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am at a loss as to how to confront the use of cellphones while at a restaurant with my granddaughter and her boyfriend. It seems so rude for them to sit and use their phones while we are supposedly having a meal together -- and, I might add, I always pick up the tab.

I finally popped my cork and said, “Surely you can visit without the phone for just a bit.” Was I unduly rude?

GENTLE READER: If we want to guard against corks being popped, you might want to set the ground rules first. For example: “Let us enjoy each other's company while we’re here, and then you can attend to your phones afterwards.”

If you are worried that issuing directions is above your pay grade, Miss Manners assures you that grandparents get special dispensation to set and enforce rules in their care -- even if their grandchildren think otherwise.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)