Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have noticed a trend about how women compliment each other that I find really insulting.

I have had people say to me, “You’re pretty” or “You have nice skin.” I thank them and forget about it. However, a few times, I have had women say to me, “Your makeup is so pretty,” or "Wow, you really know how to apply makeup well."

I think I am attractive without makeup on, but I like the more polished look it gives me. Complimenting a woman’s cosmetics is akin to saying, “You’re probably only attractive because you're wearing makeup.”

Am I wrong to feel insulted?

GENTLE READER: Yes, but only because you have not recognized that attitudes about makeup have changed.

At different times in history, the wearing of makeup has been blatant, secretive and everything between. In the 18th century, among those who could afford it, it was blatant. In the 19th century, secretive. In the 20th century, semi-secretive, as a lady might admit to powdering her nose but not to reddening her cheeks.

And now -- it is really blatant. Celebrities and influencers go public with so-called hints or detailed instructions about makeup application. Frankness about enhancing one’s appearance has extended to admitting to plastic surgery. Movie stars will appear at glamorous events with the roots of their dyed hair untouched.

Therefore, those admittedly awkward compliments are not about your beauty, but about your artistry. You are not obliged to give a cosmetics tutorial, but Miss Manners does not believe that you have been insulted.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am an employee of a state government. There are times when we employees are asked to donate cash towards a gift for a co-worker (on the occasion of a death, marriage, catastrophic event, etc.).

I don’t mind donating on these occasions. What I am questioning is the manner in which gifts are solicited.

Some requesters will ask everyone in the office to donate. Whether one donates, and the amount, is up to the employee. Other requesters, however, keep a list of each person who donates, and the dollar amount given.

Because this information is not included in the envelope containing the final donation (I checked), I believe that this method of bookkeeping is unnecessary and potentially unkind.

Additionally, I was taught that it is impolite to count other people’s money. It could be that a person gave $1 because that was all they could comfortably give.

GENTLE READER: So your colleagues are compiling records of the amounts that their colleagues donate. To what purpose?

Perhaps because they can easily guess your income, they are comparing the amount you gave with what they believe to be the amount you should have given. Not only is this not nice, but it is probably not accurate. They are not likely to know the extent of your financial obligations or of your philanthropy.

Miss Manners would strongly suggest asking why these records are being kept and, if necessary, saying that you will contribute privately.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Twice, now, I have become an accidental intruder on a couple’s proposal during my regular walking excursions (after work and on weekends).

The first occurred on the campus of the university where I am employed, near a pad-mounted transformer and busy roundabout. I was willing to chalk my unfortunate presence up to his poor choice of venue. The second, however, occurred in a public park near an admittedly picturesque waterfall.

On both occasions, I elected to politely avert my eyes and move along as hurriedly as possible without becoming a distraction, and to minimize any chances of accidental photobombing.

As this happenstance teeters dangerously on the edge of becoming a pattern, though, I thought it prudent to request a professional opinion: When such an intimate moment is made a public spectacle, what is the mannerly course of action for passersby? Was I correct in my choice to look away and swiftly move on? Should I instead stop and wait for them to finish before proceeding, or return in the direction from which I came?

Or, God forbid, am I obligated to offer my congratulations (or, I suppose, condolences, as the case may be) to these total strangers? Any thoughts are appreciated.

GENTLE READER: Some thoughts might be: Why are they making a public spectacle of themselves? Wouldn’t such an important intimate moment be best savored in private between the two of them? Doesn’t photographing the moment inspire them to perform roles instead of reacting naturally? Do they believe that video will not provoke ridicule in any future children they might have?

Oh, well. Miss Manners realizes how difficult it would be nowadays to convince people that real life is more rewarding than a dramatized version.

So, yes -- as much as you can, keep out of the way and out of photo range. And while a cheery “Congratulations!” would be fine if you feel so inclined, it is not obligatory. You have not been hired as an extra in these public dramas.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband is an excellent cook and usually prepares and serves most, or all, of the meal when we invite people over for dinner. I participate in a variety of ways, including finding recipes, making suggestions about the menu, and doing some chopping or stirring, depending on what we are making. I also tidy up the house beforehand and set the table.

Surprisingly (to me), when guests leave, they often thank my husband for the dinner but not me, as though I am not one of the hosts. I think that it would be more appropriate for guests to thank both of us. Also, I wonder if it would make a difference if the genders were reversed.

GENTLE READER: While you presumably do not want to hear your guests saying, “Thank you so much for tidying up,” Miss Manners agrees that they are remiss. Whatever you do or do not do, you are the hostess.

But while there may be a gender factor here, there is also, nowadays, an unfortunate preoccupation with food as the most important element of a social event. So your guests may be thinking of this as a meal out, rather than a convivial evening.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When friends or co-workers tell me about personal problems or physical issues they are experiencing, and I have had similar issues, I’m at a loss as to whether I should share my experience.

I have often been through the same thing they are describing, or I know someone who has, and I have relayed those experiences in the past. What I am hoping to do is put the person at ease, knowing that others have experienced the same thing, or to pass along some tips for dealing with their situation. Recently, though, I feel as if responding this way is like one-upping them or trying to turn the attention on myself.

At some point in my life, I was instructed to try to relate to the other person when listening, so I suppose that is where the impulse comes from. Any advice for relaying compassion without seeming self-centered?

GENTLE READER: It is indeed a fine line, and crossing it often leads to unsolicited anecdotes and advice -- and not necessarily the good or relevant kind. If you are a good listener, express empathy and allude to a presumably happier experience, Miss Manners is confident that the bereft person who wants to hear about it will ask.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in an apartment above an elderly woman to whom I have grown very attached in the years we’ve been neighbors. She has been in poor health over the last couple of years. I was always told that it’s rude to look in people's windows when passing by, but I feel conflicted when it comes to my neighbor.

I like to check in when leaving or returning home, but I don’t want to constantly knock on her door and bother her. She has said she appreciates me looking in and will always give me a wave, but even with her blessing, it feels intrusive.

It is purely out of worry for her, as the last few years have seen her suffering from numerous health scares and diagnoses. More than once she has had a fall, or fallen asleep with a hot cup in her hand and suffered serious burns.

Her daughter visits almost daily, but has her own life and cannot be there 24/7. My neighbor knows I would do anything she needed; I have helped her with medications in the past, and have given her all of my contact information, just in case.

But I still can’t help feeling that taking a quick look into her living room when passing by is crossing a line, either in privacy or in etiquette.

GENTLE READER: If this neighbor has given you her blessing to check in on her -- and the alternative is her contracting burns and bruises -- Miss Manners considers you a good neighbor, not a nosy one. It is when this is done without consent -- or with the aid of binoculars -- that it crosses a line.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)