Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m a terrible procrastinator. I have procrastinated sending thank-you letters for multiple years for multiple events (our wedding, my baby shower, our child’s birthday parties). The worst offense is our wedding, five years ago.

Is it ever too late to send a thank-you letter? Could I send a single thank-you now, for the gifts and attendance to all these events?

GENTLE READER: Yes, but it had better be a good one. Being a procrastinator is not a decent excuse, and Miss Manners is not going to let you off the hook by declaring a statute of limitations.

What you need to atone for is not postponement so much as blatantly apparent ingratitude. So you need to name and praise your use of each of these presents (at least vaguely, if you can’t remember what they were) and also express appreciation for your benefactors’ continued thoughtfulness and generosity over the years.

Yes, this will be a lot of work. But when you do not pay a debt when it is due, it accrues interest.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A few months ago, I was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer. I had many friends, family members and colleagues send gifts, cards, emails and texts, for which I know that I am very, very lucky.

Most of these occurred in the first month after my diagnosis, which was a flurry of tests, procedures and doctor's appointments. I tried to keep up with sending thank-you notes or responding to emails, but it was quite overwhelming. Unfortunately, many slipped through the cracks.

Now a couple months have passed. What is the etiquette for sending thanks or responding at this point?

GENTLE READER: Sadly, you do have a legitimate excuse. Etiquette is not so heartless as to discount genuinely overwhelming circumstances.

Still, you do want to show your appreciation. Miss Manners reminds you that some of those kind people will surely have asked what they can do to help. One or more of them could make your task easier by taking dictation from you to write on your behalf.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have noticed that mourners now applaud at funerals after a memorial speech. Maybe I am old-school, but I do not remember this being done until lately. I would personally prefer no applause.

GENTLE READER: Whether this was started by those who grew up on a parental chorus of “Good job!” for every action or is just part of America’s orientation toward show business, Miss Manners cannot say.

But yes, solemn occasions are now often punctuated by applause. To applaud a funeral tribute does take the focus from honoring the deceased to congratulating the speaker. Even applauding music that is a formal part of religious services suggests that it is done to please an audience, not to glorify God.

So Miss Manners agrees with you, but sees little hope of convincing others that thoughtful silence can be more meaningful than noise.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Lately at social events, I often find myself trapped by people who want to share, in excruciating detail, their genetic test results.

Each person finds their own results deeply compelling, marveling at length over being 3% this and 15% that, with stunning reveals like, “I thought we were Welsh, but it turns out we’re Scottish!” Meanwhile, the next person is on deck, barely half-listening, eagerly getting ready to launch into their own genetic saga.

Monologuing about the minutiae of one’s DNA is self-absorption at, quite literally, the cellular level. Is there a polite way to shut this down?

GENTLE READER: Oh, dear. Miss Manners would have thought that we had established the idea that bragging about one’s lineage is rude, and now it has started up again.

Well, you could try expanding the scope of the conversation. Try, “What would your ancestors have thought of the state of America today?” Or, “I suppose you must want to travel there now. What are your vacation plans this year?”

Or, “Excuse me, I need to freshen my drink.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My aunt, with whom I’m very close, frequently tells me in casual conversation how wealthy her daughter (my cousin) and her husband are.

How do I respond/react to that, if at all? I don’t want to cause a rift in our relationship.

GENTLE READER: “How nice for them.”

If you want to be slightly wicked, you could add, “I suppose, then, that they do a lot of philanthropy. What are their favorite charities?”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When in a restaurant, my wife always says, “May I have ...” before requesting what she wants to eat.

I think that since we are ordering food from a server, not requesting a favor, we should just say, “I would like ...” before placing our order.

She says she is just being polite, but I think that is excessive. What is correct?

GENTLE READER: Not chastising your wife for seeming too polite.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Hey there! As a mother of two children who have married in the last year, I am advising people who complain about registries and decide to send their own idea of a “thoughtful” gift to NOT do that.

This generation is different, and they do not appreciate people giving them gifts they “think they should have.” It offends them when people do not respect their wishes. Stick to the registry, please!

I can attest to a carload of “gifts” that were taken to charity. Both my children sent handwritten thank-you notes, but in their small apartments or tiny starter homes, they had no need or place for things people thought they should have. Off to charity those gifts went.

Just my perspective after two weddings.

GENTLE READER: What about the perspective of those whose attempts at thoughtfulness you deride and reject? “Just shut up and do my shopping” is a sentiment unlikely to inspire further generosity.

But, hey -- thank you for the charity donations and for teaching your children to write letters of thanks.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in a large condo complex where all the parking spots have been auctioned off. Guests are expected to park on the street (where there are plenty of spots but issues with break-ins).

My neighbor in the spot to my right has one parking spot, three cars and always has guests over. I can expect a text once a month from her asking or telling me she is in my parking spot. The holidays are the worst.

If I am in my spot or say no, she tells her guests to park in the fire lane behind me. Years ago, I hit a car parked there. I have asked her not to park there.

But she is on the HOA and bends the rules at her convenience. She even screamed in my face when I asked her guest to move his car so I could pull out.

I don't want to alienate my neighbor. But I no longer want to be faced with giving up my parking spot or getting parked in. Is there a polite way to tell her no to any more requests to park in my spot?

GENTLE READER: The part that makes this difficult -- and unfair -- is that this neighbor is on the HOA. Miss Manners suggests that you use it against her:

“Since you’re on the board, perhaps you can figure out a way to free up more parking spots. In the meantime, it’s just not possible for me to give up mine. I’m sure you understand how frustrating it is when you can’t access yours.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it proper to eat fruit that is mixed into a beverage? Often when we are out, my partner will order a drink that has fruit muddled into the bottom of the glass. He will finish the drink and then use his fingers, a fork or spoon to sift through the ice and scoop out the fruit to eat.

Personally, I find it off-putting, but I know that I am more sensitive to embarrassment than most. Where does Miss Manners lie on the fruity drink issue?

GENTLE READER: As long as it can be done gracefully, Miss Manners sees nothing wrong with consuming the entire contents of one’s drink, even the garnishes. But being off-putting to one’s partner (especially with the use of fingers) does not sound graceful.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have relatively new next-door neighbors who we see in passing each day. Today we found a lovely gift on our front steps with a card addressed to my husband (correct name) and me (wrong name).

How do I point out the mistake without overly embarrassing these thoughtful neighbors? Shall I write a thank-you note and sign it with our (correct) names or speak to them in a manner that will laugh off the error?

GENTLE READER: The thank-you letter is the easiest route, but if your neighbor persists in the error, you can blame yourself. “It’s actually Alison, not Angelina. I suppose my handwriting might be hard to read.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)