Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work in an office with around 30 people. There are several bathrooms available to the staff, and I have used all of them at one time or another.

When I am occupying any of them, I’ve noticed people never knock before trying to open the door. They will grab the handle and pull several times before they walk away. It is easy to see from the outside when the bathroom is occupied because of the type of door lock.

Is it not common courtesy to knock before attempting to open a single-occupancy bathroom? I do this even at home, and definitely when entering a public restroom.

GENTLE READER: Uh, you do realize that they are in a hurry, don’t you?

Not that Miss Manners would excuse bad manners on that account. But for your colleagues to assume that the stall is empty and that they can therefore go ahead and open the door does not strike her as callous. Merely expedient.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a book club meeting at our local library, the conversation got slightly off topic for a short period of time. One of the participants said, loudly, “For (expletive's) sake, will this ever end?”

Everyone in the group ignored her, pretending to not hear, and the conversation quickly returned to the book we had read.

My daughter (who is also in the group) and I wished we had said something to her. How could we have told her that her remark was unkind without humiliating her?

GENTLE READER: What would you have said? “If you talk like that, we’re going to wash out your mouth with soap”?

Wait -- Miss Manners just realized that that is what you could have said. Club members can make rules with consequences for violations, but they cannot randomly scold one another.

So your best response is either to ignore the remark, which is a reproof in itself, or to make a joke of it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I placed a rush order (two hours' notice) for four items for my local grocery store’s curbside service. I parked in the appropriate spot, informed them I was there, then proceeded to wait almost 30 minutes for my items. (Someone from the store did assure me, about 10 minutes in, that my order was coming.)

When my order arrived, the young man apologized for my long wait with what seemed like great sincerity. I told him "thank you" and asked him to place my items in the trunk. He then apologized again, wearing a look that seemed to indicate he was waiting for a different response.

I thanked him again, both after the second apology and after my groceries were safely in my trunk. Was there something else I should have said?

GENTLE READER: Of course you know that he was hoping for a tip. And while Miss Manners sympathizes with tip fatigue, you should have given him one. He may or may not be paid a pittance, but he depends on tips. And it wasn’t his fault that the order was delayed.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: You’ve always advised against mixing social life with work, although I’m not sure why. And now I read that the generation entering the workforce agrees with you, and is not particularly interested in having work friends.

Hey, I miss my office friends now that we're working from home! Work was also where I met women. I met my ex-wife at a previous job. (Sure, we all know you’re not supposed to date at the office, but we all do.)

I like my job, but the higher-ups are OK with people coming in just once or twice a week. So when people do come in, they need to spend the time looking like they’re really working, if you know what I mean, and not being friendly like we used to.

Frankly, I’m lonely a lot of time, and I bet I’m not the only one. I tried going to coffee shops where people work during the day, but they’re all pounding away on their laptops or yapping on the phone. I can’t just break in and get acquainted.

What do you suggest? I’m tired of having only virtual “friends,” who are probably not even who they say they are.

GENTLE READER: What about those work friends whom you miss? Don’t you see them after work hours?

And if not, were they really friends? Or just agreeable co-workers?

Yes, real friendships are sometimes made at work. Miss Manners’ caution was to apply a test: If you were fired, would they still be your friends? Or, in your case: If they don’t see you as a matter of course, will they make an effort to see you?

Even without the pandemic, we would have been due for a reaction against the all-work-and-no-play pattern that was prevalent. Or rather, all-work-and-work-related-play. Work, including after-hours gatherings and retreats, was expected to trump personal commitments and obligations. People felt defined by, and defined one another by, their jobs, with family- or child-related work the least rewarded.

At the same time, society’s social structures fell into disuse. Wives whose husbands had supported the family entered the workforce themselves and no longer had time to run the social, civic and religious activities that threw people together.

Businesses tried to turn this to their advantage, setting up after-hours drinks and retreats to promote pseudo-socializing among employees. But the pandemic made many people realize that they might prefer to spend time with those they had chosen themselves -- such as their families -- rather than with whomever their employer had happened to hire.

But you enjoyed such associations and found them a source of friendships. Now that this has been withdrawn, you are on your own.

The comfort Miss Manners can offer you is that such work patterns were so common that there must be others in your position. Starting with those work friends, take the initiative in organizing informal get-togethers, and encourage them to bring others.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in the city, with driveways that are close together. I was playing cards on my front porch, and the neighbor’s car was sitting right next to us in their driveway, with the windows open. It started to rain.

Do I call the neighbor to tell them? Or would that be intrusive?

GENTLE READER: Telling neighbors that their teenager left the car windows open would be intrusive. Saving them from wet upholstery is neighborly.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Why do people insist on judging other people without knowing them?

I have health problems and cannot drive. Sometimes when I arrive at a store, public transit has taken an unexpectedly long time to get me there -- a bus breakdown, missed transfer, etc. When this happens, I often need to eat something immediately. I have been known to grab a quick cold drink, a doughnut, a banana -- something to get in my system quickly.

I always take the empty bag, partial bottle or an equivalent item (if it is fruit, for instance) up to the cashier to make certain that the store is not losing money on the product I consumed in such a hurry.

Most of the workers at my usual stores know me and understand my situation. It’s the other customers who get under my skin -- looking down their noses at me just because they saw me eating something before paying for it.

If you see anyone grabbing some fruit or a cold drink on a hot day, you might want to watch out for them -- not just to make sure they pay, but to make sure they are not having a medical issue and requiring aid.

I get as frustrated as the next person when I see actual theft. I once saw a young man grab some candy, eat it, then stuff the wrapper back onto the shelf. I took the wrapper to the manager and asked him to have that young man pay for it.

Don’t assume someone is stealing unless you see them hiding the evidence or walking out without paying.

GENTLE READER: Sure. But asking onlookers to keep a watch on you from entrance to exit as you eat a banana, hold onto the peel and pay for it at checkout is a commitment most cannot muster.

And you yourself were quick to call out someone you perceived to be stealing. What if that young man was only parking the wrapper until he could retrieve it later?

Miss Manners humbly suggests that a simpler solution might be to start bringing snacks with you so that you can avoid the scrutiny. She recommends you consume them before or after doing your grocery shopping.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I've only been out with this guy once, but I really like him. I’m unsure if he likes me. Is it OK to send him a poem after we’ve only been out once?

GENTLE READER: Probably best to keep it light after only one date. But if you must, Miss Manners suggests something along the lines of:

Roses are red.

Violets are blue.

We had a fun date.

Why not make it two?

She advises you to avoid anything that might make him think the last line should be, “... And now I’m stalking you.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)