DEAR MISS MANNERS: My partner and I went on a short vacation to a city where an old friend of mine lives. I called her months ago, asking to stay with her and her partner for one night, but she said she didn’t have room.

I have known this woman for 45 years and have stayed with her at least 20 times in the past. Still, not a problem -- we booked a lovely place to stay and had a great time.

Originally, she asked us to come and spend the day at their place, then go out on their boat and stay for dinner. Then, last minute, she said that wouldn’t work, either.

So I asked if they wanted to come into town (an 11-mile drive for them). She said yes. They came to the hotel, where we all had a beverage (that we provided) out by the pool, and then took a five-minute walk to a restaurant where I had made a reservation.

At dinner, my friend’s partner (whom I had never met, as my friend is a recent widow) continued to show us his super-expensive watch and fancy gold chain. Then the bill came, and they both just sat there. So my partner took and paid the bill, which was over $300.

In hindsight, I felt I should have asked them to at least handle the tip. Your thoughts?

GENTLE READER: That for whatever reason, your friend no longer wants to host. And that reason may well have been to avoid the expense of it all.

With your persistence, however, she found a clever way to see you and have you pay. It was not gracious, but asking her and her partner to pay the tip would have been rude (flashy gold accessories notwithstanding).

Miss Manners suggests that next time you are in town, you casually mention it to her, but do not ask to make plans.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have fairly nice neighbors on either side of our fence. Each house has outdoor seating approximately 20 meters away from our own outdoor seating area. We live near a forest and get to hear lovely birdsong, owls at night, etc.

One neighbor likes to spend most of the day outdoors and has made comments about how she longs for "a quiet life." In light of this, is it OK to speak at a normal volume when I’m in my garden? Or should I be hushing my tone a little?

When I’m drinking coffee outdoors with my husband and children, surely it is not bad etiquette to have a normal conversation at an ordinary volume. I don’t want to upset my neighbor, but nor do I want to have to whisper in my own garden.

GENTLE READER: You and your family may, Miss Manners assures you, speak at normal volume on your own property -- with the caveat, perhaps, that if any of you gets excited and the sound level goes high, you keep it in check.

Except perhaps to say loudly, “Shhh, let’s be respectful of the neighbors!” just so you get points for effort.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have been invited to the wedding of a very good friend’s son. When I went online to RSVP, it said, "Attire: evening cocktail -- slacks, cocktail dresses, jackets, etc."

We never wear that kind of clothing, even to funerals. We always look nice, though! We don’t want to spend money on clothing that we will never wear again, or that is just not us. EVER. How do I decline the invite without offending/hurting my friend or her son?

GENTLE READER: “I am sorry, but unfortunately, we will not be able to attend.”

Miss Manners would suggest this be written in a letter and not a text or social media posting, but she does not wish to be chastised for an effort that is just not you. EVER.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I ran into a friend, "Chloe," who asked if I happened to know her friend "Nicole." I said that I did know Nicole. Chloe then stated, “Nicole is the best, isn’t she?”

I smiled wanly and nodded. I know Nicole to be a gossip and a liar who will skewer someone the moment their back is turned.

Chloe sensed my lack of enthusiasm and went on, at length, about how wonderful Nicole is. Again, I smiled politely and simply said, “That’s great.” Chloe looked puzzled, but dropped the subject.

Is there a better way I could have handled the situation? I have no desire to gossip about Nicole, but I also didn’t want to pretend to adore someone who I’ve personally witnessed being cruel for sport.

GENTLE READER: If you had said anything more than that, you might have run the risk of it getting back to Nicole. Miss Manners assures you that you should consider yourself lucky that Chloe showed discretion and stopped pushing.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In conversation with an acquaintance, I mentioned the early arrival times required at airports, and said that I enjoy using that time to relax and people-watch. Her response was a horrible, derogatory comment about watching “ugly fat people.” She added that “all they have to do is eat less.”

I was shocked, not knowing how to respond. After several seconds, I simply said “Ouch!” and changed the subject.

But I realized I don’t know how to respond to prejudicial comments. I believe silence suggests you agree, and I don’t want to suggest I agree with hateful, ignorant statements.

GENTLE READER: In this case, you might have said, “Oh! Surely you don’t think I’m that mean-spirited!” and changed the subject.

The equivalent: “I do not share your sentiment” is a handy all-purpose disclaimer for offensive or prejudiced statements. But Miss Manners further suggests that you find a better quality of acquaintances.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I sent a compliment to the corporate office of a local restaurant about a specific employee. This employee thanked me and said to ask for her next time I came in, so she could give me a free meal.

I do not want her to think I paid her a compliment to get something for free, but should I take the offer anyway?

GENTLE READER: If it makes you feel better, you may tell her what you told Miss Manners. But accept the free meal graciously -- and appreciate the rare exchange of two well-meaning humans being kind to each other. Just do not ruin the good feelings by forgetting to tip.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: About 25 years ago, I was in a “moms of preschoolers” group. I knew some women better than others, but I considered all of them part of my larger friend group.

As our kids grew up, we stayed somewhat in touch, forming smaller groups, but those broke up during the pandemic. I haven’t seen most of these women since 2020.

One of the women passed away. She was not a close friend, so I was unaware she’d been sick for two years, but I remembered her fondly and was saddened by her death. I planned to go to the funeral. I also replied to a group email from one of her close friends, asking the sender about bringing food.

In response, I got a lecture about how this woman’s husband (always a thorny guy) had said that only two people from this moms’ group visited his wife when she was sick, so obviously no one cared.

I would have cared, had I known she was sick. After hearing this, I felt awkward and didn’t go to the funeral.

Did I do the right thing? When people send out group emails, I assume it’s because they want a big outpouring from a large group of people, not all of whom are going to be the deceased’s closest friends. Is it ghoulish to attend the funeral of someone who was only a peripheral sort of friend?

GENTLE READER: Ghouls are beings who like graveyards; neither your intent in going, nor your behavior, had you done so, would have supported such an accusation.

So why did you not? If it was because you feared that the husband’s statement -- and his past behavior -- meant he would make a scene if you did, then it was reasonable not to go.

But this would be extreme behavior on his part. His statement sounds instead, to Miss Manners, like the bitter, unthinking comment of a new widower -- made in grief and best overlooked.

It would have been better to go, and show him he was wrong. But you can still write a condolence letter.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I visited a family for their child's birthday party. It was my first time at their home, and I wanted to remain polite.

I drive an electric car and to my delight, their home had two charging ports prominently visible and unoccupied. Would I have offended if I had plugged my vehicle in? Asking permission from an already-busy hostess seemed intrusive.

I know that in a reverse situation, I would have been more than happy to have someone charge at my home. A four-hour charge, even at high electricity prices, would work out to around $10 -- a cost I would be happy to roll into the usual party expenses. May I help myself?

GENTLE READER: That the charging station was prominently visible makes it a convenience for the homeowner and a temptation for you -- not an invitation. The cost is beside the point.

The polite thing to do when visiting another’s home -- for the first time, or the 50th -- is to ask permission. Miss Manners is confident you can find a quiet moment to do so, if a top-off is necessary.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)