DEAR MISS MANNERS: For the past four years, my wife and I have hosted a New Year's Eve family party at our home. Adults occupy the upstairs, and children (roughly ages 8-13) enjoy themselves in the basement, with frequent parental supervision.

The party now attracts nearly 100 adults and children. Everyone tells us they have a great time and they appreciate not having to sit at home.

Starting last year, though, many of the parents of our older daughter’s friends (she is 12) decided to drop their kids off and go out for the evening, rather than joining the party themselves, as they had done each year prior. So, we have ended up providing free babysitting for about 20 tweens, which can be quite a challenge.

We feel we’re being taken advantage of, but we don’t want our kids to miss out on the fun with their friends, and we truly enjoy the time we spent with their parents.

How can we politely inform people that we expect they will stay at the party with their children, rather than using us to save $100 or more on babysitting fees for the evening?

GENTLE READER: Who has been doing the parental supervision of this basement full of children? You? Miss Manners will offer you some help, although -- sorry! -- she does not plan to be in your basement on New Year’s Eve.

Before the party, make and distribute a schedule for parents to take turns checking in on the children. Those who have left early in the past -- or even dropped off their kids and fled -- should be assigned slots near midnight.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Over Thanksgiving, a relative brought a recovering alcoholic (several years sober) as a guest. He brought a bottle of grape juice as his beverage for the evening, in lieu of wine.

As we were serving drinks, my spouse and I debated how to serve the juice: in a wine glass, or in a stemless drinking vessel? I felt the wine glass was more appropriate to help the guest fit in with those who were drinking wine, but my spouse worried that the alcohol-related stemware might be a trigger of sorts.

My research since then has turned up no counsel. Since I expect we’ll see this guest again around Christmastime, we could use some advice!

GENTLE READER: Your spouse has remarkably little faith in this guest if they think several years of sobriety will be undone by the wrong choice of glass for their grape juice.

Not drinking alcohol -- for whatever reason -- tends to trigger rudeness in people who do drink. They try to tease or bully the abstainer into drinking, or they ask a lot of nosy questions, as if alcohol were the staff of life. Perhaps some consider it as such.

If you want to spare a nondrinking guest the possibility of such embarrassment, Miss Manners suggests that you not draw attention to who is drinking what by issuing a special glass.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Over the last two years, I have been making incremental changes to lead a more eco-friendly lifestyle. Is it rude to give eco-friendly or reusable products to family and friends?

For example, my sister started a new job and I would like to give her a set of reusable utensils to eat her lunch with, rather than relying on her employer’s disposable plastic utensils. Is that OK? And for acquaintances, would goodie bags of, say, bamboo toothbrushes with powdered tooth soap be considered “too personal”?

I want to give gifts that align with my values without intruding on anyone's freedom to choose whatever products suit their lifestyles. How do I toe that line?

GENTLE READER: That is an excellent distinction to consider. Miss Manners has another: Are you considering presents that you believe the recipients will appreciate and enjoy, or is your motive to prod them into making changes they have no particular desire to make?

Presumably, those close to you know about your interest in achieving a more eco-friendly lifestyle. You seem tactful enough to have shared your beliefs without resorting to the popular -- and generally ineffective -- technique of shaming others. You will have been alert to any interest, ready to offer encouragement and advice.

But to give presents intended to satisfy you, without regard to pleasing them, violates the spirit of giving. Surely you can find items that respect your aims but do not bludgeon others into using -- or wasting -- them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A young couple moved in next door. When they get mail addressed to the former occupant, they don’t contact her, even though she lives in the same small town (and runs a store here).

One recent package contained some marketing materials she had ordered from me, which I mistakenly sent to her old address. When we figured out the problem, I texted my new neighbor, and he then left the package on my porch. But he had had it for three weeks without doing anything about it.

When these neighbors are on their deck and my husband goes into his vegetable garden nearby, they immediately go inside. What’s wrong with these people?

GENTLE READER: Maybe they are on their honeymoon. Maybe they are on the lam. Who knows? But they do not have to socialize with you.

In any case, they do not want to be good neighbors, which is their privilege -- up to a point. Retaining someone else’s mail was beyond that point. Miss Manners hopes that the post office will be more responsive when your former neighbor requests her mail forwarded.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How common is it to address married women as “Mrs. John Doe” in the U.S., in 2024?

GENTLE READER: Not very. But Miss Manners reminds you that wives and widows who prefer to retain that long-traditional style should not be jarred into changing for the sake of consistency.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I dislike being in posed photos, particularly now that everything ends up posted online. Friends won’t let me off the hook. “Oh, come on!” they repeat, every time I say “no thanks.”

Of course I participate during special occasions, such as family photos at my nephew’s wedding. But on casual occasions, how do I excuse myself from the frequent group shots?

GENTLE READER: Short of subtly making yourself invisible in the picture (turning your back, looking down, etc.), Miss Manners suggests physically excusing yourself just before they take the picture -- leaving them to wonder if you are suddenly ill or just annoyed.

When you come back perfectly healthy and even-keeled, you may say, if they ask, “As I mentioned, I don’t like taking pictures. But I hope yours came out well.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a seasoned hairdresser, I have clients who move away after years of servicing them. They tell me their biggest fears are finding a new doctor and a new hairstylist.

I have often recommended that they politely ask women they meet for the name of their stylist, and whether they are taking new clients. I have gotten new clients by that technique myself. Most women really don’t have a problem with being asked.

GENTLE READER: It is the "politely" part that is key. Also important, Miss Manners suggests, is the assurance that you will not poach their hairdresser, pass their name to too many others or render it impossible for them to get an appointment themselves.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When the guest cancels a long-planned Sunday dinner at the host’s residence just a few hours beforehand (due to illness), who should follow up to reschedule? The host or the guest?

GENTLE READER: Genuine illness gets a pass, even if the host silently harbors resentment that the long-planned dinner was ruined at the last minute.

As it would be presumptuous of the guest to reschedule the event, and it is not known when the guest will be well again, Miss Manners suggests that the host says, “I hope you are feeling better. We would love to reschedule for next week if you are up to it; otherwise, please let us know when you are fully recovered and we’ll figure out a time.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My ex-wife (we divorced 40 years ago) recently did something I would never dream of doing: She threw herself an elaborate catered party for her 70th birthday. Our daughter and her husband attended, as did I, along with a dozen of my ex's longtime friends. She gave each of us a copy of her self-published book of poems.

It all left me with very mixed emotions. Is this a thing people do all the time and no one told me? Was it meant to show her appreciation for us on her “journey in life,” or was it an opportunity for her to be the center of attention? Either (or both) would be consistent with what I’ve observed of her personality over the decades.

I don’t know if I should feel happy or embarrassed for her -- or even sad. What are your thoughts?

GENTLE READER: That it no doubt provided bemused fodder for you to gossip about afterwards. For that, Miss Manners would think you would be grateful. Because if your former wife is not sad or embarrassed, why should you be?

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)