DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was wondering if you can suggest the proper way to deal with “present snoopers.”

I caught my wife red-handed holding a Christmas gift I had purchased for her. I had specifically told her where it was hidden so she would not happen by it accidentally, but apparently I misplaced my trust in her.

I did not think I was out of line when I told her I’d be returning the gift, but she became enraged. She got very personal and vulgar, to say the least. I don’t need to repeat any of it because I have no question regarding how inappropriate her reaction was.

My question is: Is it wrong to return a gift after it’s been (intentionally) discovered? What is the proper "snoop apprehension" etiquette?

GENTLE READER: Whew. Miss Manners is relieved not to be asked what to do about that vulgarity. As you are apparently not considering returning your wife to wherever you found her, she will focus only on what to do with the gift.

A milder, and perhaps more acceptable, solution would be to allow her to keep the present once she has found it, and therefore have nothing to open on Christmas.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have received, from my financial adviser, an insulated coffee mug bearing his company logo, along with a holiday greeting card. I have had a close and friendly business relationship with this gentleman for many years.

I did not intend to reciprocate the card exchange, nor send thanks for the gift. But then I wondered if he is due a note of thanks both for the gift and for the years of excellent service.

Thankfully, he does not send birthday greetings, as do my dentist and insurance agent.

GENTLE READER: Loath as she is to discourage reciprocity and thankfulness, Miss Manners agrees that what you received is advertising, not an endearingly thought-out present worthy of a burst of gratitude.

However, she does believe in thanking people for providing excellent service. If you are afraid of attracting more logo-covered items, you can do this at the year’s end without mentioning Christmas.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother raised me to send a thank-you note when I received a gift. I am a new business owner and I have sent out holiday gifts to my 65 clients.

Since then, my inbox has been filling up with thank-you emails from the recipients. This would have horrified my mother, who insists on handwritten notes, but I actually was delighted and touched that my clients appreciated my gift.

Do I respond to the thank-you emails? If they were handwritten notes, I don’t think I would be expected to write back. However, as a client-focused business owner, it feels strange to leave the emails read without a response. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: OK, Miss Manners just said that thanks for business gifts were voluntary. She is glad you enjoyed receiving them, but please do not quibble about the informal method used. And you would only confuse them by thanking them for their thanks.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was brought up to always be polite to others, but as I reach 50, it seems that society cares less about this.

Sometimes even ordering a coffee is fraught with potential misunderstanding. Common decency is misinterpreted as “hitting on” someone, when all I’m doing is trying to be nice. Sometimes I feel like just being abrupt, as my politeness gets rejected so frequently. I believe other men experience this, too.

GENTLE READER: Before Miss Manners admonishes the rest of the impolite world and rushes to your aid, she wants to check on a few key things:

Does your “trying to be nice” include calling servers “honey” or “sweetie”? Looking anywhere other than their eyes when ordering? Making comments on their physical appearance in any way?

Did you answer “no,” “no” and “definitely not!”? Great.

The world can indeed be rude, but you must soldier on being polite anyway. That is the only way to make it better.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was devastated to learn yesterday that my neighbors' young adult son passed away.

I do not know these neighbors well. Our kids are the same ages, but attended different schools and rarely played together. I watched this young man grow up, but mostly through my window.

I happened to be up late last night and saw the parents returning from the hospital. I thought about approaching them and asking if they would like to come to my house for some space before going home to their younger kids, but I decided that would most likely be intrusive.

Other than sending a sympathy card, what should I do that would be a kindness to them, rather than drawing attention to myself?

GENTLE READER: Gently ask if they need help with the children. Assure them that they, and the whole family, are welcome at your house any time.

Miss Manners is not certain that they will accept, but it is a kind gesture, and something they may well appreciate and find useful in the future.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am seeking a polite way to rein in a friend who is overly generous.

I am in a community of friends that gathers frequently in the summers for potluck dinners by a local lake. For years, the text chain has looked like: “Great, I’ll bring a salad!” “Will be there. I have some burgers I can bring.” “OK! I’ll bring brownies.” It’s low-key and fun.

Several times, one friend has announced that she just made, say, 10 extra short ribs or two extra pots of chili -- and a big salad, and a side dish. And she’ll just bring it all.

While this is certainly fantastic once or twice, as a repeated practice, I feel it changes the communal approach we’ve had by design. What do you advise?

GENTLE READER: “Your feasts are more than generous, but I think that others would like to contribute. If you don’t mind just bringing one dish, instead of so many, there will be less burden on any one of us. Plus, we get to try one another's cooking.”

Which, now that Miss Manners thinks about it, may be the reason why this friend took over the meals in the first place.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: One of my in-laws will wait for a person to finish speaking, then say something on a completely different subject. No “hmmm,” “interesting” or any other noncommittal word to acknowledge what the other person was talking about.

If someone mentions an upcoming job interview, for example, he will talk about an unrelated story in the local news. If they tell everyone about a great new restaurant, he will start talking about a movie series.

According to his wife, his reason for doing this is “not knowing what to say about it.” If one of us wants to go back to the previous subject, before he changed it, would we be rude for doing so?

GENTLE READER: It depends on how you finesse it. Miss Manners would not want it to look as if you were doing the same thing to him.

She suggests modeling the correct way to segue in a conversation, saying, “I would love to hear more about that movie series, Jackson, but going back to that restaurant Caroline mentioned -- I’ve been meaning to try it. You say they have good hummus?”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a family member who eats so slowly that everyone gets antsy waiting for her, especially the kids. She only starts seriously eating when everyone else is finished. She takes tiny bites, chewing very slowly, while everyone watches her.

It feels controlling and attention-seeking. How can I politely start serving dessert before she is finished?

GENTLE READER: In a loud voice, meant to be addressed to the antsy kids (whether or not they actually asked), Miss Manners suggests announcing, “Normally we wait until everyone is finished eating, but I don’t want to rush Cousin Sophie. With your permission, Sophie, we will start to clear the dishes. But please let us know when you are ready for dessert.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When we go out to eat, my husband sits there across the table from me and flirts with other women, whether they're customers or restaurant workers. What should I say to him?

GENTLE READER: "Stop it."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When visiting our daughter, who is a graduate student, my husband and I went out to dinner with her, her boyfriend, her friend and the friend’s mother. The mother is a single parent, and we have met her a few times.

My husband and I paid for the meal, which we thought was the polite thing to do. But thinking about it afterwards, we realized that if the friend’s mother had a husband, we presumably would have split the check.

Also, the friend’s mother is quite wealthy -- in fact, wealthier than we are. If we find ourselves going out again, how should we approach the check?

GENTLE READER: Who is doing the inviting? This is the person who should pay, in most cases, regardless of wealth or marital status.

It would be gracious for this woman to reciprocate, but if you find that she is consistently not doing so, Miss Manners suggests you weigh the prospect of paying her portion (and resenting it) against the resentment of your daughter’s friend for having her mom excluded.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)