DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a polite way to deal with those relatives who constantly tease you, make fun of you and remind you of the stupid, mean things you did when you were young?

Naturally enough, I avoid these relatives whenever possible. But there are inevitably two or three occasions every year when I am in their presence.

I have tried to laugh good-naturedly at these "jokes," but as the years go by, their barbs seem less and less humorous and more mean-spirited. I did once confront one of them privately, just to be told I was “too sensitive.” Although you could say I love these people, I don’t really like them anymore, and already I am dreading the next family function.

Since I have been dealing with this for decades now, I suppose I can continue to laugh and pretend it doesn’t bother me, but I am wondering if there is a polite, Miss Manners-approved way to respond.

GENTLE READER: Didn’t being sensitive used to be a virtue, not a fault? And insensitivity, such as haranguing others with the same tiresome criticisms, a fault?

No wonder you do not like these people whom you love.

Miss Manners begs you to stop laughing. Sure, they ought to be able to see that your laughter is strained, but they are insensitive, remember?

Instead of laughing, say, “Please give all that a rest. I don’t find it amusing.” This will, of course, bring on that charge of your being “too sensitive,” to which Miss Manners suggests that you reply, “Yes, I am sensitive. So please stop.”

And perhaps, if there are repeats, “You know you’re stepping on my sensitivity, right?”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am currently in the market for an evening tailcoat. Of the several I have found, some have a notched lapel, while others have a peaked lapel.

Which is more proper for a white-tie function? Which is historically correct -- or are they both acceptable?

GENTLE READER: Peaked lapels.

Miss Manners congratulates you on having been invited to a splendid New Year’s Eve party -- or perhaps on your new job as the conductor of a symphony orchestra. Or as a headwaiter.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter is still good friends with her ex-boyfriend. We never met the ex’s parents. For Christmas, they gifted us with lots of expensive candies and chocolates.

We do not want a relationship with them, and receiving the gifts was awkward. I wrote them a short and sweet thank-you note.

Is this enough? I don’t want to be rude, but if I give them something in return, that might open the door to a relationship that we are not looking for.

GENTLE READER: Are you quite sure that nobody else involved is hoping for a relationship? Not just the parents -- which seems likely, from their approach -- but their son? And perhaps even your daughter?

Miss Manners is not suggesting that you need to enter into a mutual exchange of presents. Thanking them is, indeed, enough. However, you might inject a tiny bit of warmth into that note, just in case.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a long train journey to work each day, and I always gravitate towards the “quiet carriage.” But invariably, there are some passengers who believe the rules have no application to them.

They believe that they, for no blindingly obvious reason, sit above and outside the rules. They carry on loud, pointless conversations as though no one can hear them. There are others who eat loudly, and still others who have yet to be introduced to the humble tissue or handkerchief.

And don’t even get me started on all those filthy coughers, who clearly learned nothing from the pandemic.

What can I say to these utterly shameless rule-breakers? I want to enforce the rules and basic standards.

And before you suggest it: Yes, I have noise-canceling headphones. They help, but don’t fully remove the endless sniffing, hacking and talking.

GENTLE READER: A polite, whispered, “Excuse me, but I believe this is the quiet car” or a point to the sign -- or even asking the ticket taker to help, if one happens to walk by -- are acceptable ways to address loud talking.

But for those who sniff or cough, Miss Manners can only suggest you offer them a tissue -- and some sympathy for the fact that they are probably not doing this solely to annoy you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have always been the person to plan fun events for my friends. In retirement, my husband and I have moved to a golf community in a new state, and I’ve continued to organize outings -- from just a few friends going to lunch, to large holiday outings for ladies only. (My husband is not well and does not care to socialize, so I don’t plan couples events.)

Some women are always happy to attend, but never reciprocate. I’m thinking of no longer inviting those women, and wonder what I should say if they ask why they were not invited.

Years ago, a friend remarked that I hadn’t called her to do anything that winter, and I replied, “The phone works both ways.” Apparently, that was too harsh. Any more subtle replies?

GENTLE READER: For that years-ago comment: “I assumed since I hadn’t heard from you that you were busy this season.”

As for your current situation, omitting those women from future outings seems reasonable to Miss Manners.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have an old and very dear friend. We have known each other for over 40 years, and although we live thousands of miles apart, we get together a couple of times a year.

My friend is extremely wealthy, while I am middle-class. She has sent me a huge check to help me out with some of my family’s difficulties. How do I respectfully return this?

GENTLE READER: “You are such a dear to offer to help out, but I cannot accept your money. I will, however, continue to depend upon you for emotional support, if I may. In fact, let us plan our next get-together. It would cheer me immensely.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am the mother of a trans man who transitioned in his 30s. When people I haven’t seen for a while ask about my daughter, I of course tell them that he is now a man.

I’ve been asked what surgeries he has had, and several people have even asked me if he has a penis! I was so surprised the first time this happened that I was speechless, and then I said, “I don’t actually know.”

I am not sure how to respond the next time.

GENTLE READER: “I do not talk about my child’s private parts.”

You could add, “Nor would you, I hope,” but Miss Manners fears that someone who is brazen enough to ask might be all too ready to share.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Like so many others, I have a mother-in-law whom I can only tolerate for short periods of time. For context, my significant other and I live together and are basically married, except for the piece of paper. And this woman is his stepmom, not his biological mom.

She kisses my boyfriend on the lips when saying hello or goodbye. I am not comfortable with that at all. I’ve told my boyfriend that it bothers me, but he tends to forget.

She also asks my 2-year-old grandbaby to kiss her on the lips -- again, something I don’t think is appropriate. He’s at the age where we are trying to teach him that he doesn’t have to kiss and hug people if he doesn't want to. Especially the kissing. That is for his immediate family, which she is not.

She once brought him into the bathroom with her while she used it -- totally unacceptable! I don’t even let him come in with me, and I’m his grandma. How do you suggest handling this?

GENTLE READER: There are two issues here, it seems to Miss Manners, and she is only prepared to back you up on one of them.

Lip-kissing those who do not want it is unacceptable. Certainly, you do not need to partake, but if your boyfriend is OK with it, that is his choice. You can only continue to express your discomfort and hope that he will eventually remember.

As for your grandson, teaching him to create his own boundaries will enable him to soon make the decision for himself. That is likely all that you can do.

But you seem to have another agenda, which weakens your case -- namely, making this more about the fact that the woman is not biologically related to your boyfriend or your grandson. You do not mention the longevity of the relationship, but the stepmother and your boyfriend may well consider her an established member of the family.

For that matter, she may believe that, as a de facto grandparent, she is within her rights to help with potty training. That you find this kind of intimacy unsavory is valid, but you must make it egalitarian. There are plenty of cases where blood relatives are equally out of bounds. The real issue is consent, not family hierarchy.

In other words, unwanted kissing is a strong enough issue on its own. Do not weaken it by suggesting that there is, ahem, a pecking order to its suitability.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)