DEAR MISS MANNERS: Last summer, I attended a barbecue with my husband’s co-workers and their families. I was introduced to a co-worker’s wife, who was wearing a T-shirt commemorating her close relative’s untimely death a year prior. My husband had told me what happened at the time, and how devastating it was to her and the rest of the family.

I am always careful to express condolences, but this time I was at a loss and ended up saying nothing. There were a number of reasons for this: I had never met the woman before, for one (I barely even know her husband), and the event was a casual and happy one, during which she and I only spoke briefly. And while I don't feel that my husband crossed any lines in telling me what she'd gone through, I think it would have been odd for a stranger to comment on her personal tragedy out of the blue.

But she was wearing a shirt with his name and his birth and death dates on it! Did I do the right thing? Or should I have briefly mentioned her relative and how sorry I was for her loss?

She and her husband are such lovely people; I hope I didn’t drop the ball.

GENTLE READER: T-shirt messages do not always convey immediate, mandatory instructions. Miss Manners has noticed that declarations such as “Kiss me, I’m Irish” (or "Italian" or whatever) have largely disappeared, perhaps because the wearers found they did not actually want strangers to comply.

A year after the tragedy, this woman might have just grabbed the shirt because it was handy. Commenting on it, or not, was up to your discretion.

However, Miss Manners will take this opportunity to once again remind her readers why condolence letters are so important. Having formally expressed sympathies at the time the tragedy occurred, one can avoid the awkwardness of bringing it up later in a more cheerful setting. But as you are careful about expressing condolences, Miss Manners assumes that your husband already sent such a letter.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At casual restaurants and upscale establishments alike, I am frequently served a large piece of meat perched atop a too-full bowl -- say, a large piece of grilled chicken on an overflowing salad bowl, or tennis-ball-sized meatballs perilously balanced on a full bowl of pasta.

What is a graceful way to cut the featured protein? Do I place it on a bread plate, exposing the cutting process to my dinner companions? Or do I eat around the meat until the bottom of the dish becomes visible?

GENTLE READER: Apply gentle pressure with your knife and fork to separate the meat into smaller pieces on top of the rest of the meal -- without, obviously, causing the rest of the bowl to overflow in the process.

This method has the advantage of ensuring that each bite of protein is accompanied by some salad or pasta, which is usually the point of the addition in the first place. But if the task proves impossible, Miss Manners suggests you ask the server for another plate (the bread plate is usually too small), or proactively inquire as to whether the meat is pre-cut before ordering.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My spouse and I are friends with a couple, one of whom is in a band. This band put on a show at a local restaurant, and we went to show support.

We arrived prior to the start of the show, around 7:30, and enjoyed the music, applauding loudly and singing along to the songs we knew. However, as it got later and later, around 11:30, we became fatigued and really wanted to make our exit.

Since we had no idea how much longer the show would go, I told my husband we should head out when the current song ended.

At the end of the song, we stood up, said goodbye to our friend’s wife and waved to our friend on stage. The band then announced that this would be their last song, but we were exhausted and felt we had already committed to our exit, so we went ahead and left.

In the light of the next day, I felt guilty and wondered if we had made a social blunder by not sticking it out for the last song. Our friends have not mentioned this; I honestly don’t know if we are close enough that they would say something if they were upset.

Was this objectively rude? Should I reach out to our friends and ask them if they were hurt or offended?

GENTLE READER: Why are you looking for trouble? There was no way you could have known that the band was nearing their last song -- and reasonable friends would realize that. After four hours, you put in your time. 11:30 p.m. is quite late enough.

However, if you are dead set on chastising yourself, Miss Manners will allow you to send a short note saying that you enjoyed the concert and were sorry to have to leave before its end. You may add that you look forward to hearing the last song next time. But “... provided that it happens before midnight” should only be implied.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a polite way to avoid shaking hands with strangers? I was in a car dealership, and every employee I encountered extended a hand to me, expecting me to shake it.

I know that they were just trying to appear friendly and open. But I also know that this is a good way to transmit diseases and pathogenic microorganisms. Many people do not have good hand-washing practices, especially after using the restroom, and it grosses me out to have to touch their hands.

An infectious disease specialist has even stated that the practice of shaking hands should be abandoned.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners generally agrees with you, but worries that the social disease of being unwilling to participate in formalities is also dangerous. If you can gracefully finesse another gesture -- waving, or, in less formal situations, a fist bump -- Miss Manners will allow it.

Adding “I’m healthy, but don’t want you to risk it” will perhaps take away some of the sting. If all else fails, carrying hand sanitizer with you and discreetly applying it after handshakes may be a short-term solution.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: This time of year, it often rains in the afternoon, and so I carry an umbrella with me. However, many people do not.

On occasion, it will start raining when I am in a crowd -- at the ballpark, for example, or waiting for the light to change on a crowded sidewalk. If I open my umbrella, then the rain that hits it falls onto the people next to me, most of whom do not have umbrellas. Several have commented that it is rude or selfish of me to add to their rain burden.

While I understand their unhappiness, it was their choice to leave the house without an umbrella. Is it rude of me to use mine in these situations?

GENTLE READER: Are you hoping that Miss Manners will say it is fine that your umbrella is channeling additional water onto the person in the seat next to you because you are only adding to the soaking that umbrella-less people deserve? Or that poking someone in the eye when you open it is reasonable collateral damage?

Those hopes would be in vain.

If you have -- or want -- a relationship with someone next to you, you can offer to share. If not, you are going to have to find a way to create some distance from those who are less prepared.

If absolutely stuck next to them, you could open your umbrella just enough to make a small tent over your head, in which case it will drip only onto your own shoulders. But you would be excused for grumbling that it rains on the just and the unjust.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am lucky enough to have gardens all around my house, including along a city sidewalk. My problem is how to respond in a cordial, or at least a civil, way to friends and neighbors who ask me complicated questions about my garden while I am working in it.

These are not people who know how to garden, which is part of why answering them is complicated. I hate to be rude, but I also want to complete my task.

My responses have included pretending I don’t hear the person, or saying, "If you really want to know about this, we can find a time to talk when I’m not gardening." But my rudeness doesn’t stop them!

I don’t want to resort to running and hiding, since then I leave the task undone. My plants need me more than my questioners!

GENTLE READER: While she agrees that neither pretending not to hear nor running and hiding are good solutions, Miss Manners believes that offering a later time will work if you persist politely.

The key may be to keep working while you make the offer. If the questioner tries to keep the conversation going (“Yes, but I was wondering ...”), the answer is, “That’s exactly the sort of thing we should find another time to discuss" -- as you continue to dig and water.

You can then say “excuse me” and find a task that requires you to face a different direction.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)