DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are frequently invited to another couple’s parties. We are all gay, male seniors.

One member of this couple seems to be going through some cognitive issues. He tells everyone assembled the same lengthy jokes and goes on and on about his religious and political views, always offending some present.

We have run out of excuses to skip these parties, and sometimes just attend for an hour or two, mostly out of compassion for his husband. He presents a lovely buffet and must be struggling with his husband’s challenges. We bring a gift on the few times we attend.

We don’t want to tell the husband why we would rather not attend future parties for fear of being cruel. My husband and I are disabled and not able to entertain. Even if we could, having them over would end up driving us to distraction, divorce or worse.

Do you have any ideas on a better way to handle all of this? Are we boors for not reciprocating?

GENTLE READER: Someone evidently told you it would be a virtue to be honest with your hosts about why you dread their parties, but it was not Miss Manners. She is relieved that you have not done so.

It would not only be cruel, it would be rude and self-serving -- assuming it was meant to justify your feeling good about staying home. Spelling out the issue would also be pointless, as the unimpaired spouse is only too aware of the impact his partner’s behavior is having on their social life.

The virtue is in what you are doing: namely, putting up with as much of the behavior as you can, because you feel for one spouse and believe the behavior of the other is beyond his control.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My fiance and I moved to a new neighborhood, and our neighbors have been really friendly, dropping by to introduce themselves.

One of our neighbors really likes to talk and comes over a little more frequently. One night, he rang the doorbell at 9 p.m. just as we were sitting down to a late dinner (we had been painting all day). He was bringing us some oranges from his tree. He chatted with us for about 10 minutes and then left.

After he was gone, I started wondering: Are we supposed to always invite our neighbors inside when they come over? We’re still unpacking, our house is far from tidy and sometimes when they stop by, it’s at an inconvenient time. At the same time, I don’t want to be considered rude.

GENTLE READER: You cannot reasonably be expected to receive uninvited guests -- particularly after a recent move -- so there is nothing wrong with accepting the oranges and saying, “We look forward to being able to have you over when we are unpacked and ready for guests.”

Miss Manners is only relieved that your neighbor also had the good manners -- and situational awareness -- to leave after 10 minutes. She was afraid, when you mentioned the time, that your question was going to be how to perform a polite eviction.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a lifelong nonsmoker and naturally do not permit anyone to light up in my home or in my car. No exceptions. But when I’m a passenger in a vehicle driven by a friend who smokes, they will inevitably light up without asking if it’s OK.

They'll crack their window and blow the smoke out through the crack. Even so, the wisp of smoke from the still-burning cigarette quickly begins to fill the entire vehicle. It causes me to cough and rub my burning eyes. The friend will usually notice, sometimes offering a “sorry” and will perhaps extinguish their cigarette a minute sooner.

What is my best option, other than not getting in the car at all with a driver who smokes? Would it be rude for me to politely ask them to refrain from smoking until we reach our destination?

Yes, it’s their vehicle, their rules. But the health of my lungs should also matter.

GENTLE READER: In a more general form, yours is one of the principal etiquette questions of our day. But that question is often, to Miss Manners’ thinking, misstated.

Anyone with a serious medical condition understandably asks, "Whose need is greater?" And, in extreme situations, basic decency demands aiding those in need.

For more everyday situations, the proper question is, "How much can a guest reasonably impose upon a host?" The answer will depend on the closeness of the friendship and the extent, and frequency, of the imposition.

Used wisely, with a friend (not a mere acquaintance), there is an alternative to always declining a ride: You can decline with the explanation that even a little smoke bothers you and you do not want to impose. The driver can then decide whether to issue a second invitation, knowing that doing so is agreeing to more stringent conditions.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My neighbor, with whom I have friendly chats, sent a group text to several women, including me, inviting us all to meet for dinner at a local restaurant, followed by a yoga class. I responded that I would love to come to dinner.

When I showed up at the restaurant, she looked at me and said, “What are you doing here?” I was shocked and didn’t know how to respond and blurted out that she had invited me.

I still feel awkward and don’t know how I should have responded in that moment. Now I just feel uncomfortable around her. What should I have done?

GENTLE READER: Your neighbor’s statement is too hurtful to be excused, so you are going to have to reinvent it out of existence.

Miss Manners is not suggesting you pretend your hearing aid malfunctioned -- that might actually elicit a repetition. Instead, treat it as a joke.

Before you object that this is disingenuous, consider how grateful everyone present will be to be given this graceful way out -- including your neighbor, though her gratitude may require time. If that process is going to be measured in units larger than minutes or hours, then you might wish to space out your future interactions with her accordingly.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am currently staying with a family friend and her husband for a few days while visiting my hometown. The husband clearly isn’t happy with me staying here, so I have not interacted with him much.

On my second day here, the husband asked for a divorce. Now I can hear them fighting, and the tension is insane.

How do I interact with him further? Is it rude if I just avoid him? Currently, our conversations are barely existent.

GENTLE READER: Currently? Your hosts are fighting to the point of divorce, and you are sticking around, listening? And your only question is how to deal with an ungracious host?

A guest must also be gracious, even under extraordinary circumstances. The rule that applies here is the one about happening upon accidents: If you can help, jump in and do so. If not, don’t gawk -- move on.

Miss Manners wonders why you did not leave for your own sake when you noticed that the host was unhappy with your being there, for whatever reason. Surely the awkwardness and inconvenience you would have experienced would have been better than being an unwelcome guest.

What you could have said to him and his wife on your way out was, “I wish you both well.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in a five-story condominium building that has a lot of retired people in it. I have been at the same job for 20-plus years, so I have a lot of vacation days. I don’t often take a week or two off at a time -- more often just a day off here and there.

My neighbors can’t get their heads around this. I have been repeatedly asked, “Oh, do you work every day? Do you have Fridays off? Why aren’t you at work?” It really burns me, as they’re implying I’m doing something wrong and that my schedule is their business.

Most of the old-timers have left since I moved here, but there are still a few older busybodies around. They seem to suffer from “groupthink” and a tendency to interfere with others.

Also, they are so oblivious. It goes right over their heads that they might be bothering people with questions like this. Goodness, if I did have a sickness or some kind of personal reason for being home, I wouldn’t necessarily want them to know that!

Sometimes I even go down the stairwell and take different routes to avoid running into these people.

GENTLE READER: Have these people not heard about remote work?

Not that Miss Manners believes that hearing that explanation -- or any other -- would discourage a determined busybody. Sadly, they are just after a bit of conversation.

Which does not mean that you need provide it. Ignore the questions, call out a cheery greeting -- “Hi, Mrs. Erskine!” “Nice day, Mr. Lumpkin!” -- and keep moving.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)