Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Should I warn particularly conservative guests that an annual party they attended last year has grown in size and will include a more eclectic group of people?

My husband and I hosted a last-minute holiday open house last year. Many of the attendees were generally conservative, reflecting the nature of my immediate neighborhood. This year, we planned the party well in advance, and it has doubled in size. It will include many new friends -- including gay couples, ardent liberals and a trans woman.

Several of last year’s attendees are very conservative, and a couple of them can be loudmouthed bullies. They are not our close friends. Should I advise them prior to attendance that the makeup of the party will be different this year, and that they may be offended by some of the other guests?

It feels “icky,” and my instinct is just to let it go and trust people to be kind and tolerant. But I worry about friction.

GENTLE READER: Rather than testing everyone’s kindness and tolerance too much -- including your own tolerance for your neighbors -- Miss Manners would like to focus on a different virtue: responsibility.

A good host seeks to make her guests reasonably comfortable and welcome. Your warning will accomplish that for no one, and therefore needs to be rethought.

At the very least, Miss Manners wonders at your inviting people you believe will yell at your other guests.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was taken out to dinner in a town where I was giving a talk. My hostess parked her car using her late husband’s disability parking tag, which was due to expire in a few months, and then put a service vest on her dog so she could bring him into the restaurant.

I commented that I didn’t know her dog was a service animal, and she said he wasn’t, but that the restaurant is not allowed to ask for proof and that he was very well-behaved. (He was, indeed, and mostly slept under the table as we ate.)

But I had a family member with a severe physical disability and know how hard the struggle was for these accommodations. For instance, someone who REALLY needed a spot closer to the restaurant missed the chance to park there. And no, a person with a service animal should not have to prove it constantly, but the practice should be trustworthy.

I wanted to say something expressing my disapproval, but I was a guest. I did mention my family member, but I don’t think anything registered.

GENTLE READER: You did register your disapproval -- both by your question and your demeanor -- and you know to avoid this person in future. And you did all this without being rude yourself.

Miss Manners rates that as a greater success than putting your host in a choke hold and forcing her to move the car, given that the dog disturbed no one and the parking tag was about to expire. This may not be as satisfying as you had hoped, but when we, as a society, demand that every injustice be met with Total War, the net result is worse, not better.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Having been raised in a strongly evangelical home, and having painfully walked away from those beliefs, religion is an emotionally distressing subject for me, one that I am only able to discuss with those very close to me.

A few months ago, I was hospitalized for a couple of weeks. For most of that time, I shared the room with a very friendly, talkative woman who had been in the hospital for a long time. While still needing medical care, she was clearly on the mend; she was bored, a little lonely from her long stay, and pleased to have a new roommate to talk to.

It immediately became obvious she was a committed evangelical Christian and all she wanted to talk about was religion. I started by making short, noncommittal responses and trying to change the subject, but my lack of enthusiastic response made her decide I needed to be “saved.” For the remainder of our time sharing the room, I was bombarded by “give your heart to Jesus” appeals, which I found upsetting.

Being confrontation-averse, and already on the border of emotional overload, I resorted to pretending to be sleeping to avoid conversation. I was exhausted and sleeping more than usual, but not 23 hours a day!

Eventually she was discharged and the problem went away, but I’m wondering if there was a way I could have shut this down short of sitting up and yelling, “Would you shut up about religion?” (Which, believe me, was tempting.)

I know how to politely stop this type of thing at work, and I can be more blunt with family and friends, telling them we need to drop the subject or stop spending time together. However, I was at a loss in this situation. I could not simply leave.

GENTLE READER: Although she resists making every etiquette problem into a medical question, Miss Manners is willing to make exceptions in a hospital setting -- where many things you are used to doing for yourself will, for the time being, require assistance.

If a friend cannot speak with your roommate, ask a nurse or doctor to tell her that you are easily fatigued -- and that, because of your own history, the subject of religion is particularly taxing for you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When is it acceptable to specify the ending time of an event?

Generally, if I am inviting guests for dinner, I ask them to please arrive at a certain time, with no ending time given. But for a child’s birthday party, one would invite guests from, say, 2 p.m. to 4 p.m., so parents know when to pick up their children.

If I am hosting a cocktail party, is it acceptable to invite guests from, say, 4 p.m. to 6 p.m., so that it is clear that this is not a dinner party? How about a reception where the venue is only rented for a certain number of hours? What is the rule?

GENTLE READER: Specifying a time for the party on the invitation is fine -- so long as you do not intend to enforce it.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How long should someone wait for a call to be returned?

My friend and I talk frequently on the phone. Lately when I call, I get a text that says, “I’ll call you back.” I thought the returned call would come in a short time, but it is taking longer and longer.

It was taking as long as a week, but now it doesn't come at all and I must call again.

GENTLE READER: Years ago, when Miss Manners pointed out that the telephone was an inherently rude instrument -- demanding that others drop whatever they were doing and attend to it immediately -- nobody listened to her.

And when they all got cellphones, the problem of giving calls preference over those actually present got worse.

But telephone usage is evolving, creating the hope -- or illusion -- that we will arrive at some reasonable understanding. One encouraging sign is that many people consider it wrong to telephone without first texting to set a convenient time to talk. There are also those who prefer to avoid using the telephone for speaking, now that there is a less intrusive way of sending instant messages.

So let’s not jump to condemning your friends by setting rules and deadlines for returning calls. Yours are evidently not quick requests for information, much less emergencies, but rather, friendly chats. It may be that they are too frequent or too long for your friend, or just inconveniently timed.

A more practical rule, then, is to ask people what methods of communication they prefer, and to work out a compromise that respects your own preferences. Perhaps you and your friend could set a regular time to talk, or shift to meeting in person, if that is feasible. Or you could start an old-fashioned written correspondence instead -- although presumably electronically.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Fifty years ago, when my father was stationed in Vietnam, he sent the military exchange catalog to my mother back home. From it, she ordered a complete bone china set for 12 people, with every possible dinnerware piece.

There are dinner plates, salad plates, bread and butter plates, soup bowls, fruit saucers, cups and saucers, and serving pieces. It is a beautiful set in a simple ivory pattern rimmed in gold.

My mother passed away almost 30 years ago, and since then, I have used the china for many years when hosting holiday dinners. Now I have downsized and am living in an apartment, and the china is in several boxes in a storage unit.

What should I do with it?

GENTLE READER: Use it. Do so even if you can only keep on hand the plates that are relevant to your menus, and even if only to feed yourself and your prospective heirs.

Miss Manners cannot promise that they will develop the same aesthetic and sentimental attachment to the set that you seem to have. The use of fine china is rare now, especially when it should not be subjected to a dishwasher -- as yours, with its gold trim, should not.

Yet your loved ones may acquire a fondness for the set through its association with you, somewhat like yours with your mother. And in any case, you will have had the pleasure of using it.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)