DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a gentleman who strives to live a mannerly life. In that regard, when riding public transportation, I offer my seat to ladies who are standing. I also wait for ladies to leave an elevator before me.

Now that I am well beyond retirement age, does that change any expectations and norms? When, if ever, do I keep my seat and allow younger men the privilege of offering their seat to the fairer sex?

GENTLE READER: First, please get off those elevators when you are in front, instead of creating confusion by trying to stand back in favor of any ladies who are behind you. “Ladies first” never applied there.

For your habit of yielding seats, Miss Manners commends you, and hopes that ladies always treat the gesture graciously, whether or not they accept.

But it is not only your age that has changed; our system of precedence is in flux. Gender is becoming less of a factor, as it can do damage in the workplace, where deferring to colleagues as ladies undermines their professional identities. There, precedence should be determined by the job's hierarchy.

And in society at large, age is becoming more of a factor. Should a young lady offer you a seat, Miss Manners hopes you will also respond graciously.

This is not to say that the gentlemanliness you practice should be abandoned -- much less condemned, as is done by some. Tradition has its place, and these gestures add grace to society.

So the short answer is: Keep offering seats to ladies if you don’t mind standing; if you do mind, then stay seated.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I attended a concert at our church, which has an excellent endowed music program. The concert was an organ and poetry recital, about 40 minutes in duration.

About 15 minutes in, I became aware of a skritching sound that didn’t stop. I looked in the pew behind me and a woman was sitting there filing her nails with an emery board.

I tried to get her attention but she would not look at me. I reached back and tapped her knee, which startled her and made her angry. I asked her to please stop filing her nails, which she did.

At the end of the concert, she asked my name and informed me that if I ever touched her again, she would call the police and press charges on me for assault. I said "please do." She had already ruined the event for me. She made a commotion as she left, which was noticed by others.

Should I have done something different?

GENTLE READER: Tapped her on the shoulder, not the knee.

No, wait. You should not be touching strangers at all, unless you are rescuing them from imminent danger. Besides, it would be difficult to reach a shoulder in the pew behind you.

And it is difficult, Miss Manners admits, to reach a determined scofflaw. If no church authority was available during the incident, it might still be worth reporting in the hope that efforts will be made to restore proper behavior.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in a place where many cultures and nationalities abound. When I was at a restaurant with friends the other day, we were served by a comely waitress.

My friend commented on the beauty of the "Asian waitress," but I thought she was Latina.

Is there a tactful and proper way to ask? Or are we better off not asking such a question at all? None of us wishes to offend anyone.

GENTLE READER: Then please just order your food. Miss Manners reminds you that the waitress is not a menu item of whom you may inquire the ingredients. She has work to do and may not want to explain her background to you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My fiance and I sent out wedding invitations. Our wedding is still 12 weeks away, but will-be attendees have already begun sending gifts to our house.

What is the proper etiquette for the timing of thank-you notes? Should we wait until the wedding takes place, or should we start sending thank-you notes now to acknowledge receipt of these gifts?

GENTLE READER: NOW!

Sorry; Miss Manners did not mean to shout at you. But she knows what happens when brides postpone thanking people who give them presents.

Right now, you are busy getting ready for the wedding. Then, you will be on your wedding trip. After that, you will be catching up at work after having been away. At that point, you won't be able to bear to look at the list of who gave what -- which will be on your desk, giving you dirty looks.

Then you will decide that it is too late.

The time to thank someone for giving you a present is when you receive that present.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I inherited a 1920s-era diamond ring and earrings. I remember my grandmother saying that with the exception of an engagement ring, it’s inappropriate to wear this type of flashy jewelry during the day.

I am going to a reunion luncheon for my all-girls school, to be held at a lovely "Old South"-style tearoom. Frankly, I would love to wear these pieces to the event. The ring could pass for an engagement ring, but the sizable solitaire earrings are definitely just "bling."

Does this rule still hold? Would sticking to pearls be more appropriate?

GENTLE READER: Hold with whom?

Even if Miss Manners had inherited the crown jewels, she, like your grandmother, would never wear them during the day. But she has noticed that people who actually have inherited crown jewels are among those who are either ignorant or contemptuous of the rule.

However, the rule was well known and observed in what you are calling the Old South. As your classmates have chosen this venue, perhaps they would consider your wearing the earrings to be a vulgar case of showing off. Or not.

You do know that your grandmother would not approve. Gratitude and respect should stop you from going against her sense of decorum -- especially if she is the relative from whom you inherited the jewelry.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am wondering if it would be crass or in poor taste to give a new widow a thoughtful sympathy card with money in it, rather than sending flowers.

A dear friend just became widowed in her late 40s after her husband’s somewhat lengthy and most unexpected illness.

My friend has been a stay-at-home mom throughout her marriage, and has no post-high school education. I’m sure she will get life insurance benefits, as her husband had a union job, and of course she can get Social Security benefits. But I imagine a good-paying job will be a challenge to find.

I find it impractical to spend a couple hundred dollars on a floral arrangement that will soon be dead, and would prefer to give her some money and a nice handwritten note. Is this acceptable?

GENTLE READER: Let us think about this for a second. A newly widowed young-ish woman receives a thoughtful letter from her close friend about her dearly departed husband -- and cash falls out of it.

This is not a teenager’s birthday card from a well-meaning but emotionally unavailable grandpa. This is an adult woman who, higher education notwithstanding, wants to maintain her dignity after her husband’s death.

If his illness was lengthy (but also unexpected?), surely there was talk and arrangements made over how she would get on without him. And if not, some extra cash is not going to be worth the embarrassment of her thinking that her friends believe she cannot handle life on her own.

More meaningful than a hundred dollars, or the equivalent in flowers, would be that condolence letter -- plus an invitation to dinner or companionship when she is ready. Having never navigated the world on her own, she may need assurance that she still has a supportive social circle.

Of course, if your friend immediately starts her own public fundraising platform, which she will undoubtedly do, Miss Manners will give up her self-righteous defense and humbly take it all back.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My family enjoys hosting casual open house-type parties. Whoever wants to stop by can do so at their leisure throughout the day, and we usually get time to visit one-on-one with our guests.

We always have plenty of food, but well-meaning friends who don’t want to show up empty-handed always ask, “What can I bring?” My answer is always that there’s no obligation to bring anything, but they’re welcome to bring a bottle of wine or a treat to share if they’d like.

However, people tend to bring food and leave it behind, leaving us with leftovers our family couldn’t possibly consume before they spoil. I don’t want to offend anyone by implying their treats aren’t good enough for us, but I also don’t want food to go to waste. What is the appropriate etiquette for party leftovers brought by a guest?

GENTLE READER: If freezing them or a neighborly giveaway is not an option, gently insist that guests take their food with them, saying, “These were delicious, but we couldn’t possibly consume them all. Can I give you back at least half?”

Of course, Miss Manners’ real advice is to avoid the problem entirely by being more insistent when they ask in the first place.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)