DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have two friends I see frequently, but they rarely see each other. When we all get together, inevitably one will start telling the other a story I have heard many times. Then the other will tell HER a story with which I am very familiar.

I’ve tried staring vacantly off into space, but it doesn’t seem to be noticed. How can I suggest we simply talk about current events?

GENTLE READER: Listening to the same story more than once is the price of friendship. For that matter, it is also the price of romance -- and the price of compassion, in cases of dementia.

If you have never faked enjoying a familiar anecdote or joke, Miss Manners worries that you are unwilling to make the smallest sacrifice for those you supposedly cherish. She knows happy couples who even prompt each other to tell a relevant story to fresh listeners.

In this case, we are merely talking about one friend finding a new audience. Surely you can indulge this, in the hope that your friend will not gag when you seize a chance to tell your favorite story to a newcomer.

As for getting back to real conversation, you have the advantage of knowing where the story is going. That gives you the chance to cap it with a question such as, "Would that sort of thing happen today?" Or, “Did you see what the Supreme Court did yesterday?”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do you set the table when the salad is served at the same time as the rest of the meal?

I went to a friend's house and she put the salad fork to the left of the regular fork. We used two forks during the meal: one for salad and one for the rest of the food.

Was this correct, or is a regular fork used for both the salad and the main course if served at the same time?

GENTLE READER: Please do not encourage the libel that etiquette is a conspiracy to humiliate innocent people by providing confusing forks. One fork to a course, Miss Manners assures you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do you gently decline Christmas invitations from a friend when the people they invite are all couples and the women don’t really like you? We are all seniors.

GENTLE READER: Why don’t they like you?

Never mind; that is none of Miss Manners’ business. Nor need it be mentioned when you simply express gratitude for the invitation and regret that you cannot accept.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Sometimes when I receive an invitation to an event, the sender writes “By Hand” in the lower right-hand corner of the envelope. Obviously, this means that they delivered the invitation to my house themselves, without using the postal service.

Is this a true form of etiquette? I cannot find a single reference to it in any etiquette book. It seems a bit pretentious to me, and I have always wondered if, in fact, it is really correct to use the term.

GENTLE READER: Pretentious? Miss Manners would think the opposite, as it tells you that the sender made an extra effort. And also perhaps that the sender does not trust the postal service.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Just after Thanksgiving each year, my young nieces send out a letter to the extended family that contains their "Letter to Santa," outlining the things they would like as gifts.

Sometimes the letters are very cute. My husband and his siblings grew up with these letters as a tradition, and I don’t mind receiving them.

What I don’t want is for my kids to write similar letters. I don’t like them getting used to the idea that they can just make lists of things other people should get for them. Quietly I believe this leads to overuse of gift registries later in life.

But my in-laws have requested lists from my children. How do I explain that this isn’t something we’re going to do, without making it seem like negative commentary on other people's parenting?

I’ve tried suggesting the relatives talk with my kids and see what they are into lately, but that hasn’t gone very far.

GENTLE READER: Then why not tell them yourself? “Well, Noah is into dinosaurs right now, and Ruby is into cars, although she also wants to be a scientist. So I’m sure any sort of book or toy on those subjects would be perfect.” And then Miss Manners suggests you keep nattering on until your in-laws wish they had not asked.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Now that I’m widowed, I am eating breakfast out with friends more frequently. Eggs often need a little salt, but not always, and restaurant saltshakers often deposit too much at once.

What I prefer is to taste the food first, and then if salt is needed, I sprinkle some into one hand. I then pinch some with my other hand, distributing as needed. A “high sprinkle” gives the widest distribution. If there is extra salt left in my hand, I dump it in a little mound away from the food.

At least one companion has seemed strangely fascinated by my salt habits.

I have tried to start with a mound of salt and dip each bite into that, but of course this is usually too much salt, too localized. Am I within civilized bounds to use my clean, dry hands?

GENTLE READER: While this practice is practical and as sanitary as any other method, Miss Manners still finds it less than ... savory. A quick sprinkle on your hand to test the acceleration of the salt is fine if you can hide it. But Miss Manners supposes that if you can get away with that, you can probably also get away with depositing it from your hand onto the food.

It is what you do with the rest of it that is giving Miss Manners pause. Mounds of salt on the plate or remnants scattered on the floor are both unappetizing and potentially dangerous.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The invitation states "black tie" for a 4:30 p.m. wedding. The bridesmaids are wearing long black gowns. Is it acceptable for women guests to wear long black dresses?

GENTLE READER: No. And not just because etiquette and Miss Manners condemn it (black looks funereal at a wedding, and black tie and long dresses for guests should only be worn after 6 p.m.). But at this wedding, you will also be confused for a bridesmaid.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received an invitation for a work-sponsored event. The invitation states: “To help us minimize our environmental footprint and make cleanup easier, we kindly ask that you bring your own silverware, plate and beverage container.”

So, when I arrive, I will be toting a plate, some silverware (not sure if I will need a knife or a spoon) and a cup or water bottle. Then when I leave, I will be taking home these same items, now dirty. This feels quite awkward to me -- and messy!

My daughter also received an invitation to an event that asked that she bring her own beverage container. Is this a new trend? What do you think of these requests?

GENTLE READER: Your workplace is playing fast and loose with the words “sponsored” and “event.” If the guests are providing basic supplies, it is neither.

Besides the obvious rudeness and inconvenience, Miss Manners does not even understand how it helps the environment. Does it not take the exact same amount of dirty dishes and cleanup effort -- just distributed amongst the invited guests instead of the hired cleanup crew (who surely must be present for food service anyway)?

It is enough to make one never want to leave the house. In fact, you may want to bolt down the furniture. Requests for supplying your own table and chair might be next.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am the "last hostess standing" in my family and an associated circle of older friends. Everyone else has a reason why folks cannot gather at their house.

I welcome their offers to “bring something” because I cannot manage holiday meals and birthday celebrations without help. I’ve gotten quite good at suggesting what to bring.

I have one relative who insists on doing preparation in my kitchen immediately before the meal instead of bringing a completed dish. I swear, if I asked her to bring salt, she would need 3 feet of counter space and 30 minutes to assemble an heirloom salt grinder first. She'd also need two people to assist, and she’d complain I don’t have salt spoons.

Is it OK to ask her to do the dishes instead?

GENTLE READER: Not really. But how about drinks? Preferably ones in closed containers that do not require mixing, shaking or decanting.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Every time I go out to eat with a particular friend, and there’s another friend with us, she does the rudest thing. When we are finished eating and are just sitting around the table talking, she will suddenly jump up without warning and say she has to go. It’s always so sudden and so jarring.

She never does it when it’s just the two of us, and I’d gently let her know of my displeasure if she did.

Any suggestions on how I might deal with this discourteous behavior? Or is this just something I must silently and sullenly abide?

GENTLE READER: Jump up just as suddenly and say, “Wait, what?! You’re going?! Is everything OK? Do you need a ride somewhere? HOW CAN WE HELP?”

That oughta put an end to Particular Friend’s sudden departures. Or at least, Miss Manners would think, slow her down.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)