DEAR MISS MANNERS: We went to breakfast this morning with four people total, and I informed the waitress beforehand that we'd like separate, individual checks. One of the participants piped up when I said that, saying that he'd like one single bill instead.

I assumed he meant that he would take care of the entire bill for all four of us. I sincerely believe that was his intention.

When the bill came, everybody save one took out their wallets and offered, out of politeness, to pay cash toward the entire bill. It is my understanding that, in such a situation, the one who offered to pay the entire bill should politely decline, and instead pick up the bill in full.

He didn't. Instead, he accepted the cash from others as offered. This was disruptive to at least one person, who had anticipated paying their separate check via a card, and who didn't therefore bring cash.

I am very confused. Miss Manners, how ought things to go in such a situation?

GENTLE READER: Well, not that way. Even if the hapless host now assures the cashless participant that he will pay, that person has already been embarrassed.

And now the two whose cash he just accepted will also feel ill-used.

Miss Manners does not understand why people are so eager to speak about money at all the wrong times, but are suddenly shy when it is perfectly proper. When asking for a single check, the host should have said, "Please let me get this." You and the fourth guest were fine to protest when the bill came, but he should have turned you down. And if the other guest had then apologized for not having cash, he could have used that as a gracious excuse to win the argument.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: About trying to get a head count for a party, would it be rude to say: "The party is on Feb. 15. Please let us know by the 7th if you will be coming. If we don't hear from you by then, we will assume you will not be attending. If you cannot know your plans by the 7th, please let me know that, too, and maybe we can work something out."

That should get the invitees to respond in a timely fashion one way or another. To me, the above doesn't seem too much to expect of an invitee, and the party-giver has a better chance of not ending up with too many or too few around her table. The host/hostess has set it up in such a way that the response, or lack of it, tells him/her what is needed for setting up for a party.

GENTLE READER: This sounds like a theoretical exercise for you, so while Miss Manners agrees that it should not be too much trouble for people to respond to invitations, she suggests you check back when you have experiential data.

Asking people to respond by a given date is neither rude nor new, but suggesting they would be inconsiderate enough not to respond is both -- and is also inconsistent with your otherwise charmingly optimistic appraisal of humanity.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does one handle being offered alcohol when you choose not to drink?

I got a DUI 2 years ago, and I will NEVER drink and drive ever again. I've been in numerous situations where I've declined a kind offer of a drink, but have been pestered as to why.

Out for a happy hour with co-workers, I will just drink water, but I often get asked, "So, why aren't you drinking?" Initially I just shrugged it off, but after a while, I had to make up an excuse, so I lied that it would interfere with my medication. Oops -- now I'm asked what kind of meds I'm on!

With extended family, I get the same inquiry. I just make up some excuse: I don't feel like it, I have a hangover, I'm going out tomorrow, whatever.

I won't even have one drink -- and have found it quite rude of people to question why. There are so many potential reasons why people choose not to drink! I feel like I have to explain myself, and I am sick of it. How do I properly address this issue?

GENTLE READER: Not by explaining yourself -- nor by making up excuses. The question is not only intrusive but silly, as it presumes that alcohol is such a staple of life that a special exemption is needed.

But as you keep socializing with people who believe otherwise, Miss Manners suggests that you treat this as the opening of a two-sided conversation. It is always tactful to show an interest in the other person. So you could say, with a pleasant show of interest, "What about you? Tell me -- why do you drink?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would like to know if it's proper for one person to hand another person a birthday card/Christmas card personally -- not one attached to a gift. It seems to me that a card should be sent in the mail.

I'm a hairdresser, and it surprises me how often a client will hand me a birthday or Christmas card. These cards do not include money, but are just "good wishes."

It makes me feel uncomfortable and almost seems that I'm not worth a stamp. Could you please tell me if this is proper and in good taste? Has it always been?

GENTLE READER: Always? How far back do you want to go? It was once considered better to have mail delivered by hand, from your footman, than to use the postal service.

But Miss Manners would not exactly call it more proper or in better taste, because it used the same crass standard that you do: How much did the sender spend to get it to you? And maintaining a footman cost considerably more than a stamp.

Isn't that a mean way to judge good wishes? But even if you do, surely a personal delivery is worth more than a stamp -- or a footman.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What do you think about employers who let their children come around the workplace to sell goodies to their employees? And worse yet, what about when the boss himself escorts his child around the building to sell stuff?

Yeah, I know, it's always for a good cause, but isn't that putting people on the spot, and not in very good taste? Nobody really wants to buy these things, but you always feel obligated, especially when the boss is standing right there!

GENTLE READER: And a nice lesson that is for the children -- not in salesmanship, but in the use of power to intimidate.

Miss Manners understands that you don't want to antagonize the boss, and hopes that you also want to avoid embarrassing the children. But that does not mean that you are obliged to buy anything you don't want.

Group action is the safest, of course. Perhaps you can get your colleagues to protest this, making an official complaint if necessary. But you can also handle it on your own by treating the children as the salespeople they are alleged to be. In a pleasant tone, ask about the merchandise -- its use, its sturdiness, whatever.

If the child is able to answer these questions, you may still say regretfully that the item does not meet your needs (although Miss Manners would probably be touched enough to buy). But if, as she suspects, the child is unprepared, you need only say regretfully that you can't commit to buying something you know so little about.

Let us hope that a responsible parent would understand and appreciate the value of this lesson to the child.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have received cards from a number of couples who are 30 to 40 years younger than we are. The return addresses and printed signatures are first-name only. Should we respond in kind, since my husband and I have different last names?

GENTLE READER: So that they will experience the frustration of some of their recipients, who are asking themselves, "Who are these people? Do we know any Jenna and Noah?" or "Which Emma and Everett could this be this from?"

Miss Manners asks you to resist that temptation and submit your full names.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm a dog walker and pet care provider. I'm retired, 73 years old, and I have a lot of work around the holidays. My clients give me Christmas gifts. Should I just say "thank you" when I get something I don't need, or say I'd like to regift it?

This week, a client gave me a dog-walking tool that I already have. It's not too expensive -- maybe $30 -- and the gift bag also included treats for my dog. I already said thank you, but should I say anything else?

GENTLE READER: What would you say? Something along the lines of, "I have no use for this, so I'm going to get rid of it"?

Countering generosity by mentioning what a failure it was does not make anyone's Christmas merrier. Not even yours, next Christmas, when this client will have been discouraged by the effort to please you and will give up trying.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)