Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have celiac disease, and being invited to someone's home always brings me a plethora of dilemmas. I am invited to a Thanksgiving dinner for 25 people, yet I can't eat most of the food served. I don't want to burden the hostess with my restrictions. Is it improper to bring my own meal? Would this breach etiquette? I would gladly eat anything she made if it were gluten-free. -- No Gluten, Seattle

DEAR NO GLUTEN: I'm sorry that I am answering your letter after Thanksgiving, but I hope my advice will help you for any other gatherings you are invited to attend.

Hosts are accustomed to hearing about their guests' food sensitivities these days. What is most important is to let the host know in advance. You can call your host to thank her or him for the invitation. Explain that you are calling to let them know of your food sensitivities due to your medical condition, which precludes you from eating certain foods. Offer to bring your own food that can be discreetly available for your consumption. You can also ask if the host can and will provide a few gluten-free options. You may have to describe specifically what gluten-free food is in order for the latter to be a viable option. Listen and evolve the conversation accordingly.

DEAR HARRIETTE: As the holiday season is coming up, I am dreading seeing my stepfather's mother. She asks inappropriate and personal questions. She has no problem passing judgment on others, and she sees herself as the matriarch of the family.

The marriage between my mother and stepfather came after I was an adult, so I've never taken much of a liking to her. I try to avoid her, but "Grams" has no shame in calling my name across the table to ask about a recent breakup or weight gain. Is there any way to survive the holidays other than avoidance? -- No Boundaries, Madison, Wisconsin

DEAR NO BOUNDARIES: Do your best to change your attitude about Grams. As hard as it may seem, if you can look at her with compassion, you may be able to shift the energy so that she feels less combative. Your welcoming stance could trigger positive overtures from her.

If and when she begins to exhibit bad behavior, you can use an approach that many men employ: Just don't respond. If Grams asks you something that you feel is inappropriate, look her in the eye and say nothing. Do not react or respond. It will likely be a shock to her that you show no reaction at all. If she insults you, you can also respond by asking her to try to be kind to you. Explain that it's hard to want to spend family time together when she constantly attacks you.

Most important is for you to stay friendly but firm. Just because she says something rude does not mean that you have to react. Keep your love life off limits. Do not respond to her comments about your body. Just stay centered, and try to forgive her for her bad manners.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My friend opened a spa business in our town. I was one of her first customers. I had an excellent massage and pedicure; however, my triple-digit bill was not what I expected. I haven't gone back.

My friend phoned me recently saying she has barely any customers. Honestly, her prices are too high for the small town we live in. Do I give her honest criticism or hope that this failure will help her future business endeavors? -- No Bang for Your Buck, Outside Memphis, Tennessee

DEAR NO BANG FOR YOUR BUCK: Your friend called to share her worries about her new shop. Consider this an opening for you to share your thoughts with her, keeping in mind that she is extremely sensitive right now. Be kind as you tell her your perspective. Start by asking her if you can freely offer your opinion. With her blessing, tell her you feel these services are too expensive for where you live, and then tell her what people there expect to pay.

Point out that the services were excellent and that you would certainly return for more if the price were lowered. Suggest that she advertise a spa special featuring particular services at discounted rates. Encourage her to revamp her price list for your town, and then try again to get folks to come.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am going on a ski trip in January. While I originally invited 10 people, the numbers have dropped, and seven plan on being in attendance. An odd number of people on the trip means we have to pay to split an eight-person cabin, as opposed to a six-person one. Also, there are tensions within the group that remain from past drama. I want to have a fun and affordable trip. Do I try to convince someone to drop the trip or pony up the money? -- Hitting the Slopes, Boston

DEAR HITTING THE SLOPES: As the host, you should be prepared to have the single room at the extra cost -- unless someone else is ready to pay the extra amount. You should also decide whether you want input from your friends about the choices that have to be made, or if it's best to simply decide and tell them. They need to know the cost of the trip and who is expected to come.

You must also give them a deadline by which they fully commit. That means they give you the full fare so that even if one of them later decides to drop out, you have the money. Make it clear that after a certain date, it is nonrefundable. Otherwise, you could get caught paying for more absentee guests.

To lower drama, pair your guests in rooms based on their behavior. If they play musical chairs afterward, that's fine, but at least you will have done your part.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am 23 years old and learning how to "adult." Recently, my friend's father passed away. The death wasn't unexpected, but it is still tragic. Knowing this information, my friends and I wanted to send over flowers. Do you send flowers to the residence or to the funeral home? I am not sure which is more formal, or if there is a certain size accepted for funerals. -- Somber, Raleigh, North Carolina

DEAR SOMBER: One of the cold realities of adulthood is dealing with death. There is no one rule to follow. As it relates to flowers, you can send flowers to the home. A floral arrangement that is self-contained, meaning in a pot or vase, is preferable, as you do not want to make any extra work for the grieving family. Be sure to include a personalized message to your friend. Include your address. Family members usually like to send thank-you notes, so it is best for you to make it easy for them to be in touch with you.

If you would like to send flowers to the church or funeral site, find out where and when it is. You should send the flowers the day of event with a delivery early enough for the flowers to be placed before the ceremony. It's best to contact the funeral site to get particulars about where and when flowers can be received. In this case, order flowers for display at the funeral. Often, these flowers are white, typically gladiolas or carnations, although other flowers are also used. Again, you should enclose a card of condolence that states who is offering the flowers. There is a standard size and scale for these flowers. The florist can help you sort that out.

More, be in touch with your friend. Reach out and offer your love and blessings during this difficult time. Ask what, if anything, you can do to support your friend.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My mother is hosting Thanksgiving and Christmas this year, and she is trying to enforce a black-tie dress code. This would be great if it were adults-only, but there will be kids there. I can't dress up my little cousins in formal attire without screaming and crying. They are toddlers who just want to run around. Do children get leniency when there are dress codes enforced? -- Let Them Be Comfortable, Dallas

DEAR LET THEM BE COMFORTABLE: Before you presume what young children will do, make a plan that includes them. It can be fun to dress up, even for little children, for a formal affair. Your attitude and enthusiasm will make all the difference.

Express excitement over the chance for everyone to get fancy for the holiday meals. Pick clothing for the children that is easy to clean, and bring a change of clothes for them as well. Teach them that they should stay clean and tidy through the meal. Afterward, they can change.

When I was growing up, everyone dressed up for holiday meals as well as all special occasions. This taught the children the appropriate attire and behavior for special events. We also learned to dress ourselves. Your cousins can, too! You must lead the way -- with a smile on your face!

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)